Heartbreakingly Beautiful

I don't recall if I ever shared this song with you or if I have listened to it by myself. Came through on my iTunes right after this one

Call me delusional, stupid, loser..whatever. My shoulders are broad enough to take a lot. I prove that to myself every day- not that it matters.

I miss my best friend. I miss the girl who laughed at my jokes and the woman who supported me. I miss knowing that there never has been a better pairing or tighter team than you and I.

My heart has been torn from chest and pulled through my rib cage. I am not who I was and not quite sure who I am now. Some days I feel like an empty shell and I wonder if you miss me. Wonder if you shed any tears over all of this or just walked away without a second thought.

Most of the time I am quite confident that your visits here are proof positive that you once loved a boy who looked an awful lot like me. Most of the time I think that you cut off contact because it got to be too hard and you can't deal with it.

I understand that. There are moments where I think that I will never show my face here again and that this will finally dissolve into dust and memories of the king and queen who wandered through the forest.

But I never quite get to that point. Never quite get there because something draws me back and I can't quite figure that out. I have told you a million times before that no one has ever captured my heart like you did.

Maybe it is because I never saw you coming. Maybe it is because of a million other reasons- I don't know if it matters.

Sometimes I dream about you. Sometimes I dream about holding you in my arms again and what it would feel like to kiss you. Sometimes I dream about making love to you again and wonder if you aren't afraid of the pressure that I have created.

Sometimes I think that you are afraid that I have made you into something you're not and that you stay away because you fear the consequences.

All I can say about that is I see/saw you differently- perfect in your imperfections.

maybe I am feeling more sentimental because of all of the changes- not really sure nor do I care. At the moment I am just going with it.

Perhaps we'll never talk again. Perhaps we have used up all the magic that was given to us- but my heart says no. And I think that part of me is afraid that I will always love you and part of me loves that.

So my dearest June, I love you and hope that you are well. Take care of yourself and remember that your body is still my playground but what I love the most is your mind.

-Johnny

Lots of Changes

My grandfather died two weeks ago. It feels so very strange not to have grandparents any more. I have memories, boy do I have memories but the people who lived them with me are gone.

This is the sort of conversation that I sometimes miss having with you. These philosophical discussions about life. Even though you are short, illogical and unreasonable they were fun to have.

The soundtrack to Slumdog Millionaire is playing in the background. Sometimes I think of you and that movie. There is much more to say but I seem to be lacking the energy to say it. Curiosity my ass.

My Ears

June,

My ears were burning, don't know if that is because you were speaking/thinking/wondering about me or if that is because of a sunburn.

But I wanted to remind you that I am here. One of these days the president of The Earl Warren Fan Club may slip further away and you'll need someone to lean on.

I can do that. I can help. All you need to do is let me...help.

The Gates Of Hell

Well woman I am back here again and so are you. I can't decide who the bigger fool is...me or you. But then again maybe it doesn't matter.

Truthfully I don't really have time to worry about it. I have so much going on and so many things flying at me I am surprised that I remember my name.

Physically I am breaking down- I think that the stress is beginning to kick my ass. My body aches constantly. My hair is getting a bit thin and I do believe that a couple of gray hairs have found their way to my head.

Back and knees hurt- but I refuse to give in. I refuse to go quietly into the night.

Maybe it is because I feel like I like alone and apart. Maybe it is because I still feel you out there and I remember that my best fucking friend has chosen to walk away. Maybe it is because I don't believe silly female answers like "curiosity" as being the reason you show up here.

I know, I keep repeating myself. I yell at you and you come back anyway. Maybe it is because you don't believe me. Maybe you think I am pussy whipped or maybe you feel what I feel and don't know what to do about it.

Beats the fuck out of me. So for better or worse I keep spouting off here. But I knew that you would come today. Knew it the same way that I knew when you would call me. So what difference does it make.

If my heart is right then none of this makes a difference. And if my head is right then none of this makes a difference.

Don't ask me to explain because I won't. Maybe if you are ever lucky enough to be with me again I'll tell you- but I am too tired for that now.

You'll be back again and so will I. Got to go pack now and try to figure out where I am going to live.