Hi June,
Think I got 3 hours of sleep last night, if that and it wasn't consecutive. To say I feel like hell isn't an understatement. I am sure I look like it too. If you propositioned me today I might even say no.
I don't know if anything would work down there, the headache I have now makes it hard to focus upon anything. But it does occur to me that we are looking at at around 15 or 16 years of 'knowing' each other. That is a trip, hard to believe.
Hoping my head clears up, got to get on a plane. Pancreatic cancer is a bitch and we're not sure what sort of treatment might be possible, if any. Sucks, but what can you do but hope the old man fools the docs again.
He did it before, maybe it will happen again. I am not real hopeful, but hopeful nonetheless. And regardless heading out to spend time with him. I don't want to join this club of people missing a parent or both.
Guess I have no choice, sooner or later...
Hope I can sleep tonight and that this is like a 24 hour bug or something. So irritated and angry.
Visibility
Heart Ache and Heart Break
Dear Juneleh,
Not entirely sure why I called you Juneleh since we don't have much going on these days but it feels right. Hell if I know why it feels right but I try not to question some things.
Does it make a difference what I call you? Maybe yes, maybe no and I am too tired to engage in that sort of mental masturbation.
Got a little heart ache and a little heart break going on right now. Medical issues that are beyond my control and uncertainty that is making me a little crazy. Waiting to get some more details and information so that we can figure out what is going on.
Thing is that there is little reason to believe it is going to be good news in the sense that it is curable. At best it is probably treatable and those options are highly limited. That leads to much uncertainty and not knowing is in many ways harder than knowing, at least for me it is.
Some diseases aren't things we can beat today they are just monsters we can beat back for a while. I am not ready for some of this but I don't think we ever are ready. Maybe there are situations where we say the end is good because it provides relief and or because we don't see quality of life.
We are not there and I don't know if it will get there. I hope not.
But in some ways it doesn't matter.
The men in my family have long said life is terminal for all of us and it is not a question of if but when.
There was a conversation in which I heard an acceptance of possibilities and that was hard to hear but I get it. Doesn't mean that there will be no fight or push to change things, but I knew that tone of voice because I heard my grandfather say it too.
So it goes down the line and I suppose there will be a time when I voice it as well.
Still I know from experience not to bet against my line. We're hardy folks, strong willed and people who have experienced things that prove truth is stranger than fiction.
Time will tell the story and maybe I will too...or not.
As we get older I see and feel more changes. I am less tolerant of some things and more of others. More willing to go for broke on some stuff and less on others.
The great contradiction of life.
In the brief moments we have we have to reach out and try to grab the prizes we see and strive for those we can't.
I do both.
And now it is time to stop rambling and resume my place outside of this joint to wait and see what comes next.
I hate waiting.
