Waiting

Dear June,

You know that I go back and forth about whether life is made up of random events or if the universe works in some sort of mysterious way to make certain things happen. At the moment I am agnostic about it.

What I can tell you is that when I look back to the beginning I see a thread that starts back on the board and continues all the way to this very moment. The funny thing about it is that I don't have to do anything to manipulate things at all to come to this place.

It is just obvious to me. It sticks out like a sore thumb and I can't help but shake my head and smile. This thing that I am waiting to hear about is huge and I am bursting at the seams. It is something that I have been working for but I didn't know it until relatively recently.

Blame upon being stubborn, slow or whatever. It doesn't really matter, what matters is that I figured it out and am so damn close to making it happen. That just blows me away. I am fighting hard not to be more excited than I am because I don't want to be disappointed if it doesn't happen.

But I know that I did my best and that I have done all that I can do to make this happen. That is important to me. It makes it easier to sleep knowing that I gave it all that I had and that I have come so far.

The next steps are out of my hands and all I can do is wait. Damn, why aren't you here to help relax me. ;)

You need it, I need it and dammit, we deserve it. 

One day, maybe sooner than later.

Ok, I know you are curious about all this...George but I am not saying anything more than I have. Not yet.

What Comes Next

Hello babeleh,

I didn't bring the laptop with me on the plane this time and didn't feel like posting from the phone. It is a bit of a task and I wanted to just decompress.

Flew a boatload of miles for a meeting that went well, I think. I did my best to answer questions and demonstrate what needed to be demonstrated. Got to turn in something else and wait to hear what comes of this.

Got a pretty good feeling about it all, but you never know. If it comes through it could be very big. Long flight home on a very crowded plane. Tired, but excited.

Waved when the plane passed over your place.

Got to run now curious girl, the echoes of the future demand that I answer and I have learned not to ignore those.

Cuz somewhere down the road there might be weekends in New England, but only you Makem...Tommy. ;)

Odds and Ends

It is almost midnight and I am listening to whatever comes through on the shuffle. The Dixie Chicks are singing Not Ready to Make Nice and part of it really resonates with me:

"I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying"

I paid my price and I will keep paying for no other reason than I can't go back. I made the choices I made and for better or for worse I ended up in this place.

It is not necessarily a bad spot. Fact is that it looks like I am about to make a really big change and do something with my life that I never could have imagined, but am excited about it.
But I won't lie and say that I am not nervous because I am. But you know that I have always said that sometimes you take the big risk for the big reward and this is big. This will change my life but I can't say to what extent.

Can't say because it is too early and too hard to predict. But baby, one day I want to tell you about this because you have been a part of it in so many ways. You have seen and know so much.

Getting on a plane in a few days so that I can go to a meeting. Chomping at the bit because so much is riding on this, but I am confident. I feel good. I know this stuff. I know what I am talking about and I have a vision of what I want to see.

My gut is singing this song that is so sweet but at the same time I have such an ache. Had me pounding on the wall the other day, but dammit I came out the other side because that is what I do.  And in a short time I hope to say that is what I have done.

Baby, if you could see me now. A little bit older, a little bit more weathered and hopefully wiser. Got to run now because I have more prep work to do and I need to get to bed before 4 am.

MLBF and I don't care whether you admit it or not you think about it.

The Future

Dear June,

Read back a few posts and you'll see I mentioned I might be heading out towards the old family homestead. Things have progressed and it has become a very strong possibility that it will happen.

I don't want to put the cart before the horse but there has been a lot of activity surrounding it so it has become a very strong possibility. I don't want to jinx it so I won't say much more than my blood better get thick quickly. Oh my.

If it comes through it will be the start of one giant adventure. It is surreal and exciting. Kind of funny while I was writing this Rhinestone Cowboy just started playing and the opening lyrics caught my attention:

I've been walkin' these streets so long
Singin' the same old song

There is a lot of truth in that. I have been walking these streets for almost forever and singing that same old song. No, not the one I sing to you. Get your mind out of the gutter woman, not like I grabbed your hips. ;)

Anyway, I hope to have some answers soon so that I can start the next part of my journey.

Music just changed and now I am listening to Sir Paul sing Let 'Em In

Someone's knockin' at the door
somebody's ringin' the bell
Someone's knockin' at the door
somebody's ringin' the bell
Do me a favour open the door and let'em in.

Call that coincidence or call it a sign, either way is good for me. Change isn't coming, change is happening now. Lots more to tell you about...someday.

One Kiss

Baby, do you remember our first kiss. Actually I am sure that you do. I am curious to see it through your eyes. Curious to see what it looks like and what it felt like. One kiss changed a million things. Can't believe how much has happened and how different life is.

Changes keep coming and I keep wondering when it is going to slow down...if ever. Surely it has to slow down for a bit. Not particularly worried about it all because I'll figure it out but sometimes it is strange to realize just how different I am now.

And yet I am more who I was than I have ever been. Guess all this has just helped to remind me what is most important to me in a more focused way than ever before.

I see you. Do you see me.