Old Messages

My Dearest June.

Got Just When I Needed You Most playing in part because I just read one of the messages you wrote me when I was getting ready to leave in 2013 and my heart aches more than it has in a long time.

Been struggling with all sorts of questions about you for a while and have written about many here and elsewhere but didn't think to go back and read what we exchanged back then until the other day.

And now I feel like I have a much clearer picture of it all or at least I hope so.

When I look back on that time I can see the love we built between us move from a flicker to a bonfire again.

I can see us struggling to figure out how to make it work and I can feel the pain of it all like it just happened again.

But I can feel the joy, I can feel the depth of something special, an adult love that came upon us unexpectedly.

And I can see us fight to do the right thing in a situation that is/was socially unconventional.

I can see us start fights with each other because of fear and not because of real issues. I don't think we have ever broken up because we got tired of each other or found major character flaws.

It was always due to circumstances, always due to our fear of what would happen if we left our families. 

When you told me you were getting divorced I hoped we would get a chance to spend time together and to date, so that we could see what life was like.

We are not who we once were and though I think there was enough love and enough substance for us to go the distance I always thought it prudent to check it out. 

But you never gave me the chance and I never figure out whether it was worth trying to wear you down or just give you time.

Until now, because  now you are obviously dating and I haven't a clue whether it is serious or not.

*****

I have reached a point in my life where I need to figure some things out about what sort of future I want. 

So I have begun seeing a therapist because I wanted an unbiased and outsider to help walk me through the structure of what I want and who I want to live my life with.

I am not upset or embarrassed by it. I am very comfortable with it.

I have a pretty solid idea of what I intend to do and how but working with a professional who does this for a living should help me move through things faster or so I hope.

*****

I have never stopped loving you and I don't want you ever to think all I wanted you was for sex because that was never it.

You have always been sexy and always beautiful but what drove it was I have seen your heart.

And reading those old texts remind me that I hurt you even though I never wished to. Reading those old texts I saw you hurt me back too.

So two people who loved each other  enough to consider building a family together screamed at the heavens in their own way.

I promised to be your hero and your confidante. I think I failed in some areas and whether that is mitigated by successes or not at all only time can tell.

*****

I will tell the therapist our story. I will tell it all as best I can from start to finish. I will tell the therapist about the hell I went through trying to take care of my family and the pain of losing my best friend, my father, my home and so many other things.

And when it is all done I will come out the other side and maybe I'll have a very different perspective. Maybe I'll be starting the process to become a single man or maybe a million other things.

I almost didn't share any of this because I don't want you to think I am doing this because of you. 

This is all for me because I have kept too many things buried inside me and it is a poison I choose not to drink any more.

I'll be healthier and happier for it.

I have my thoughts and ideas about where things may go in the next six to 12 months but beyond that who knows.

Got no idea if you will ever read this or if you'll surprise me and read it tonight, though I very much doubt so.

*****

Though I still believe you could walk into my arms and automatically  feel at home I have no idea if that will ever happen either.

But if I want you to take two things from this I want them to be these:

My love for you was always pure, I have always accepted you for who you are even if sometimes it might not have seemed like it.

And I am very sorry for whatever pain I have ever caused you. I have always said and still say I would kiss the tears away.

MLBF,

Johnny

The Matrix of Questions

Dear June,

Writing another post I have no idea if you will read knowing that even if you read it you may not respond.

You have ignored so much that I have written I have reason to doubt many things. I won't lie and say I haven't been hurt for weeks now.

It started around your birthday when you replied to your friend that you would skip the concert because you were going out with D.

That felt like a gut punch and I reacted a bit when I posted about it elsewhere. 

I made a point to let you know that I was going to be at the movie so that it wouldn't be a surprise to you. But I won't lie and say I wasn't surprised to see you and him.

Nor will I lie and say it didn't hurt, of course it did.

Just before you called to say you were getting divorced I was preparing myself to let go and say it was forever done between us. I figured it was the best way to go and that if things changed down the road I would be surprised.

But then we started talking more frequently and I felt the connection growing. I felt like maybe we might get a chance to explore whether the magic was dead or still alive.

It really felt like something was sort of growing but then you would pull away. I tried to respect that and figured you needed your time.

I had thought we'd at least have a conversation and that you would tell me where your head was at.

You may think it is clear but I don't.

I don't know what you would do if I was single and you knew I was dating other people. Maybe you wouldn't care.

I don't know if you are still trying to figure out who you are, it is only 2 years and I wouldn't be surprised if that is the case.

I understand that.

I have lots of ideas that are based upon your actions and my gut feelings.

We have more than 20 years of history and we might see that very differently. 

My love hasn't ever died, changed and evolved, but never died. So this hurts.

I am working on finding my own closure not knowing if you will ever give me anything to work with. I know I will get there, I always do.

Truth is I never could have predicted you would be in my life or that 2013 would bring us back together  romantically.

I still think our love is special and based upon history can't say that I believe it will never manifest itself again physically or that it will.

Won't make any predictions today, but reserve the right to do so at a different time. Can't say I won't shut this down and make it all memories either.

I can only tell you my heart hurts and that I wish we had some time to really talk. Maybe it will happen, maybe it will never happen.

You may come around when I have already moved on or maybe not.

It is a long way from the board and those early days. I am just writing to ease the pain not worrying about whether you will or will not see this.

If there is such a thing as destiny and we really are inextricably linked as you once said we'll find each other again.

And if not, well this will be one more thing I have written.

Please know even I say things in anger it comes from love and that I really do want the best for you.

I have seen you as naked and as intimate as any one and I know your inner heart. I have always accepted it and tried to accept all of you.

Perhaps one day I will kiss your tears away and hold you in the dark and the light or perhaps not.

Life is one hell of a ride, you never know what it will bring.