The Matrix of Questions

Dear June,

Writing another post I have no idea if you will read knowing that even if you read it you may not respond.

You have ignored so much that I have written I have reason to doubt many things. I won't lie and say I haven't been hurt for weeks now.

It started around your birthday when you replied to your friend that you would skip the concert because you were going out with D.

That felt like a gut punch and I reacted a bit when I posted about it elsewhere. 

I made a point to let you know that I was going to be at the movie so that it wouldn't be a surprise to you. But I won't lie and say I wasn't surprised to see you and him.

Nor will I lie and say it didn't hurt, of course it did.

Just before you called to say you were getting divorced I was preparing myself to let go and say it was forever done between us. I figured it was the best way to go and that if things changed down the road I would be surprised.

But then we started talking more frequently and I felt the connection growing. I felt like maybe we might get a chance to explore whether the magic was dead or still alive.

It really felt like something was sort of growing but then you would pull away. I tried to respect that and figured you needed your time.

I had thought we'd at least have a conversation and that you would tell me where your head was at.

You may think it is clear but I don't.

I don't know what you would do if I was single and you knew I was dating other people. Maybe you wouldn't care.

I don't know if you are still trying to figure out who you are, it is only 2 years and I wouldn't be surprised if that is the case.

I understand that.

I have lots of ideas that are based upon your actions and my gut feelings.

We have more than 20 years of history and we might see that very differently. 

My love hasn't ever died, changed and evolved, but never died. So this hurts.

I am working on finding my own closure not knowing if you will ever give me anything to work with. I know I will get there, I always do.

Truth is I never could have predicted you would be in my life or that 2013 would bring us back together  romantically.

I still think our love is special and based upon history can't say that I believe it will never manifest itself again physically or that it will.

Won't make any predictions today, but reserve the right to do so at a different time. Can't say I won't shut this down and make it all memories either.

I can only tell you my heart hurts and that I wish we had some time to really talk. Maybe it will happen, maybe it will never happen.

You may come around when I have already moved on or maybe not.

It is a long way from the board and those early days. I am just writing to ease the pain not worrying about whether you will or will not see this.

If there is such a thing as destiny and we really are inextricably linked as you once said we'll find each other again.

And if not, well this will be one more thing I have written.

Please know even I say things in anger it comes from love and that I really do want the best for you.

I have seen you as naked and as intimate as any one and I know your inner heart. I have always accepted it and tried to accept all of you.

Perhaps one day I will kiss your tears away and hold you in the dark and the light or perhaps not.

Life is one hell of a ride, you never know what it will bring.