Dearest Juneleh,
I think you are one hell of a pain in my ass and somewhat crazy but I wouldn't have you any other way. I still love writing for you best, don't ask me to explain why because I won't analyze it for you.
All I will do is tell you I follow that funky feeling and that even though it has sometimes gotten me in trouble it has led me to the best places. Doesn't mean I don't sometimes get irritated or upset with it because I do.
But it is who I am and I am not going to try to change it. Fact is I fear who and what I would be without it. So just know that I know things and I see things and that sometimes I put them on paper because it is what I was born to do.
Besides my calves are scarred forever so even if I wanted to forget things I can't reminder is there every day.
Not to mention I have these pictures, might have to check them against the real thing sometime just to see what aging has done. Hee hee, air sucker.
Visibility
Some Days
Some days you just want and need a hug. Bleah. Tired, cranky and grumpy. Ready to go back to bed. Come join me.
I Think About It Every Day
“The very essence of romance is uncertainty.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest and Other Plays
“When love is not madness it is not love.” ― Pedro Calderón de la Barca
“Every great love starts with a great story...” ― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
“You are my best friend as well as my lover, and I do not know which side of you I enjoy the most. I treasure each side, just as I have treasured our life together.” ― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
“I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.”
― Albert Einstein
“I know nothing in the world that has as much power as a word. Sometimes I write one, and I look at it, until it begins to shine.”
― Emily Dickinson
“It would be possible to describe everything scientifically, but it would make no sense; it would be without meaning, as if you described a Beethoven symphony as a variation of wave pressure.”
― Albert Einstein
“Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.”
― Groucho Marx
“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”
― Jane Austen, Jane Austen's Letters
“The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - which you had thought special and particular to you. And now, here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out, and taken yours”
― Alan Bennett, The History Boys: The Film
“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.”
― Rumi
“No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader.”
― Robert Frost
Dear June,
Every single day I think about going back. Every single day I wonder how long it will be before I truly return. Every single day I wonder what sort of fool I am and every single day I answer that with the one who does something about it.
Never could I have imagined that I would sit here and think about the 1,422 miles that lie between me and home.
Something changed. Where I am used to be home, but now I suspect home is somewhere else. Amazing.
Make of it what you will, at the moment these are just notes on a page.
“When love is not madness it is not love.” ― Pedro Calderón de la Barca
“Every great love starts with a great story...” ― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
“You are my best friend as well as my lover, and I do not know which side of you I enjoy the most. I treasure each side, just as I have treasured our life together.” ― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
“I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.”
― Albert Einstein
“I know nothing in the world that has as much power as a word. Sometimes I write one, and I look at it, until it begins to shine.”
― Emily Dickinson
“It would be possible to describe everything scientifically, but it would make no sense; it would be without meaning, as if you described a Beethoven symphony as a variation of wave pressure.”
― Albert Einstein
“Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.”
― Groucho Marx
“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”
― Jane Austen, Jane Austen's Letters
“The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - which you had thought special and particular to you. And now, here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out, and taken yours”
― Alan Bennett, The History Boys: The Film
“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.”
― Rumi
“No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader.”
― Robert Frost
Dear June,
Every single day I think about going back. Every single day I wonder how long it will be before I truly return. Every single day I wonder what sort of fool I am and every single day I answer that with the one who does something about it.
Never could I have imagined that I would sit here and think about the 1,422 miles that lie between me and home.
Something changed. Where I am used to be home, but now I suspect home is somewhere else. Amazing.
Make of it what you will, at the moment these are just notes on a page.
Don't Read Unless Making Love
Dear June,
Only have a few moments to write but I am going to say what I want here and it is just a few words about making love to you. If that makes you uncomfortable skip this post, there will be another coming down the pike.
It is day three of the "new digs" and "existence" and I am enjoying the quiet of the moment. It has been a terribly long road to get here. I have walked where I never wanted to tread and seen things I never wanted to see or experience.
You aren't the only one who has changed because I am not who I once was. I can seem pieces and parts of him floating around the ether but that boy/man has gone on to wherever it is we go when life forces us to change.
I kept your star burning bright in the sky I looked at and when things were among their darkest I always found its light shining down upon me. I am forever grateful for that. You might wonder how and why I could see/feel that given all that was then and since happened.
There are no words I can offer other than it just worked for me. Even when I felt dumb, stupid and weak for thinking that way there was always a piece that felt right. I fought that for a long while because I couldn't reconcile feeling that way when it seemed it was only me.
And then I stopped fighting it because it seemed foolish and silly to do so. And the love that had never gone away filled the reservoir and the gaps.And then came the next thing where we made love and found something more than before.
Sometimes I like to close my eyes and picture you lying on your back or your side. I think about those moments and know that it doesn't matter what society would say or how others would see things because we found the magic and shared it.
And no matter what happens or is said I will carry that with me...forever. The girl and the woman I loved and will always love.
I could say and write far more than I have but for now I keep that for me. If the time is ever right I will show it and share it with you. What I know is that I have managed to do some things that had to be done. I had to walk through the darkness and do so without any guidance other than the touch of my heart and feeling of hand/feet.
And I have a checklist of major accomplishments that I can look at and know happened because I made them so. It is a good feeling to have because sometimes life throws you for a loop and you lose some confidence in your abilities.
Sometimes I wondered what it would take for me to feel like this again. I never completely believed I wouldn't, but sometimes it felt like it would be a thousand years before I could stand up and feel like the man I am.
I am not who I want to be yet, but I am getting there. I am confident that I am on the path and that it is going to happen because when you dance in the fire you either burn or figure out how to withstand the flames and I am still standing.
Only have a few moments to write but I am going to say what I want here and it is just a few words about making love to you. If that makes you uncomfortable skip this post, there will be another coming down the pike.
It is day three of the "new digs" and "existence" and I am enjoying the quiet of the moment. It has been a terribly long road to get here. I have walked where I never wanted to tread and seen things I never wanted to see or experience.
You aren't the only one who has changed because I am not who I once was. I can seem pieces and parts of him floating around the ether but that boy/man has gone on to wherever it is we go when life forces us to change.
I kept your star burning bright in the sky I looked at and when things were among their darkest I always found its light shining down upon me. I am forever grateful for that. You might wonder how and why I could see/feel that given all that was then and since happened.
There are no words I can offer other than it just worked for me. Even when I felt dumb, stupid and weak for thinking that way there was always a piece that felt right. I fought that for a long while because I couldn't reconcile feeling that way when it seemed it was only me.
And then I stopped fighting it because it seemed foolish and silly to do so. And the love that had never gone away filled the reservoir and the gaps.And then came the next thing where we made love and found something more than before.
Sometimes I like to close my eyes and picture you lying on your back or your side. I think about those moments and know that it doesn't matter what society would say or how others would see things because we found the magic and shared it.
And no matter what happens or is said I will carry that with me...forever. The girl and the woman I loved and will always love.
I could say and write far more than I have but for now I keep that for me. If the time is ever right I will show it and share it with you. What I know is that I have managed to do some things that had to be done. I had to walk through the darkness and do so without any guidance other than the touch of my heart and feeling of hand/feet.
And I have a checklist of major accomplishments that I can look at and know happened because I made them so. It is a good feeling to have because sometimes life throws you for a loop and you lose some confidence in your abilities.
Sometimes I wondered what it would take for me to feel like this again. I never completely believed I wouldn't, but sometimes it felt like it would be a thousand years before I could stand up and feel like the man I am.
I am not who I want to be yet, but I am getting there. I am confident that I am on the path and that it is going to happen because when you dance in the fire you either burn or figure out how to withstand the flames and I am still standing.
Dear PITA
Today is a day I never thought I'd see or experience. 98% of the stuff is out from that other place but the old landlords have been ridiculous and pushy so I went there and worked on getting stuff out for 90 minutes.
That included deep cleaning and moving around of things to make life easier for them. In the midst of it there was a big blowout and I left and seriously wondered if I would ever go back.
Took more effort than I can properly express not to tell them to never call again. I am beyond angry.
They forget all that happened just before we moved in. The wedding and family vacation that we attended with them all made it that much more of a clusterfuck when we moved in.
Who knew it would have taken so long to get out. And the shit that went on this last six months or so is stuff I will never forget. Never would have imagined that it could be a part of my story.
And so I sit here completely dumb founded, feeling betwixt, between, disappointed and angry, so very angry.
Going to sit in the hot tub soon and try to forget.
That included deep cleaning and moving around of things to make life easier for them. In the midst of it there was a big blowout and I left and seriously wondered if I would ever go back.
Took more effort than I can properly express not to tell them to never call again. I am beyond angry.
They forget all that happened just before we moved in. The wedding and family vacation that we attended with them all made it that much more of a clusterfuck when we moved in.
Who knew it would have taken so long to get out. And the shit that went on this last six months or so is stuff I will never forget. Never would have imagined that it could be a part of my story.
And so I sit here completely dumb founded, feeling betwixt, between, disappointed and angry, so very angry.
Going to sit in the hot tub soon and try to forget.
I Won't Scream At You...Today
Dear June,
Been through all sorts of crazy so I thought I'd bring you up to speed.
Officially moved and am in the midst of unpacking hell. Not excited about having to do it all again because this is going to be home for about a year, but that is long enough to not go crazy about the idea.
Only slept here one night so far but it is a world better than where I was and I am pleased about that.
Next Friday my mother is going in for surgery. They found a polyp somewhere around her stomach during an endoscopy. Gave her a second one to see if they could pull it out but couldn't do it so they scheduled the surgery.
Apparently it is going to require a 5 day stay. I am glad that she doesn't have to wait long because the anticipation is in some ways the hardest part. I am talking about her and not me.
Hope life at arm's length is treating you well. The V-day boy looks like a dork but don't tell mini-me I said that 'cuz I think it is good for you to be the creepy one and not me. But I'd still punch him in the nose if needed.
On my way to Home Depot to buy stuff, got a few things to build/repair. Feels good to work with my hands, would feel better to work you.
Been through all sorts of crazy so I thought I'd bring you up to speed.
Officially moved and am in the midst of unpacking hell. Not excited about having to do it all again because this is going to be home for about a year, but that is long enough to not go crazy about the idea.
Only slept here one night so far but it is a world better than where I was and I am pleased about that.
Next Friday my mother is going in for surgery. They found a polyp somewhere around her stomach during an endoscopy. Gave her a second one to see if they could pull it out but couldn't do it so they scheduled the surgery.
Apparently it is going to require a 5 day stay. I am glad that she doesn't have to wait long because the anticipation is in some ways the hardest part. I am talking about her and not me.
Hope life at arm's length is treating you well. The V-day boy looks like a dork but don't tell mini-me I said that 'cuz I think it is good for you to be the creepy one and not me. But I'd still punch him in the nose if needed.
On my way to Home Depot to buy stuff, got a few things to build/repair. Feels good to work with my hands, would feel better to work you.
This and That
Played around with writing you a love letter. Played around with writing you a steamy letter. Played around with not writing you any letter.
Shoes
Saw a woman wearing the same pair of shoes you wore one day. Why did I remember? Because they were the same ones that you dug into my calves.
Weird thing is I rarely notice shoes. I might have to blog about that.
Weird thing is I rarely notice shoes. I might have to blog about that.
I know What You Need
I know what you need but I am not going to tell you what it is or how to get it. Nor will I answer questions about it.
Can't wait to get beyond the next couple of weeks, what a clusterfuck. Got a spa at the new place that I can't wait to soak in. I want to just collapse for a while.
Or get on a train and just go somewhere.
Can't wait to get beyond the next couple of weeks, what a clusterfuck. Got a spa at the new place that I can't wait to soak in. I want to just collapse for a while.
Or get on a train and just go somewhere.
One Year Later
One year later and nothing has changed but yet everything has. One year later and I have answered some of the biggest questions I lived with and yet there are still some that remain.
I suppose that in time I'll get those answers too, so very strange.
Sometimes I think about it all and wonder about choices but most of the time I just go and do my thing because I can't do anything about what has happened, can only move ahead.
I remember being a kid and thinking I couldn't wait to be an adult. I never expected it to be like this.
I suppose that in time I'll get those answers too, so very strange.
Sometimes I think about it all and wonder about choices but most of the time I just go and do my thing because I can't do anything about what has happened, can only move ahead.
I remember being a kid and thinking I couldn't wait to be an adult. I never expected it to be like this.
The No Romance Zone
"I feel like everything in my life has led me to you. My choices, my heartbreaks, my regrets. Everything. And when we're together, my past seems worth it. Because if I had done one thing differently, I might have never met you."
Don't know who said that but it doesn't matter because in the no romance zone there is no romance.
Not any sex either so don't come here looking at me with lust in your eyes or you will find that parts in your nether regions will be clogged and your doctor will suggest various forms of treatment that you don't find attractive.
And don't ask about love because that is not here either. All we have down here is like, sometimes a severe case of it. ;)
Don't ask about the secret either, because I know things and I would hate to be asked to tell you what I know.
