Don't Read Unless Making Love

Dear June,

Only have a few moments to write but I am going to say what I want here and it is just a few words about making love to you. If that makes you uncomfortable skip this post, there will be another coming down the pike.

It is day three of the "new digs" and "existence" and I am enjoying the quiet of the moment. It has been a terribly long road to get here. I have walked where I never wanted to tread and seen things I never wanted to see or experience.

You aren't the only one who has changed because I am not who I once was. I can seem pieces and parts of him floating around the ether but that boy/man has gone on to wherever it is we go when life forces us to change.

I kept your star burning bright in the sky I looked at and when things were among their darkest I always found its light shining down upon me. I am forever grateful for that. You might wonder how and why I could see/feel that given all that was then and since happened.

There are no words I can offer other than it just worked for me. Even when I felt dumb, stupid and weak for thinking that way there was always a piece that felt right. I fought that for a long while because I couldn't reconcile feeling that way when it seemed it was only me.

And then I stopped fighting it because it seemed foolish and silly to do so. And the love that had never gone away filled the reservoir and the gaps.And then came the next thing where we made love and found something more than before.

Sometimes I like to close my eyes and picture you lying on your back or your side. I think about those moments and know that it doesn't matter what society would say or how others would see things because we found the magic and shared it.

And no matter what happens or is said I will carry that with me...forever. The girl and the woman I loved and will always love.

I could say and write far more than I have but for now I keep that for me. If the time is ever right I will show it and share it with you. What I know is that I have managed to do some things that had to be done. I had to walk through the darkness and do so without any guidance other than the touch of my heart and feeling of hand/feet.

And I have a checklist of major accomplishments that I can look at and know happened because I made them so. It is a good feeling to have because sometimes life throws you for a loop and you lose some confidence in your abilities.

Sometimes I wondered what it would take for me to feel like this again. I never completely believed I wouldn't, but sometimes it felt like it would be a thousand years before I could stand up and feel like the man I am.

I am not who I want to be yet, but I am getting there. I am confident that I am on the path and that it is going to happen because when you dance in the fire you either burn or figure out how to withstand the flames and I am still standing.