Shtupping

Always liked that word, something about it just makes me smile.

Shtupping you makes me smile too. Of course there probably are some other faces that appear during those moments that are less attractive because they're goofy looking.

But I suppose when you are with the right person it doesn't matter.

Are you wondering what faces you make?

I know, I have seen them and look forward to seeing them again.

Cue evil laughter. :)

Sleep calls. Too bad you aren't here, you could help me relax or maybe I'd help you. :)

The Big Week

Dear June,

Tomorrow is the 'big day' when I return to the salt mines. Have mixed emotions about this, part of me says to just breathe and relax because it is the first step in getting settled again and part of me says don't settle in here.

It is obviously not a life long committment but there is a piece of me that worries about doing it because it is a step in the wrong direction. If I have learned anything about what I want and what I am trying to do with my life it is to push really hard in the direction I am interested in and to avoid the time sucks that keep me from getting elsewhere.

Thought about what day it was and how I should have spent it with you. Would have been a lot more interesting kissing you than thinking about tomorrow. Of course I didn't spend all day thinking about tomorrow and the truth is, I didn't spend all day thinking about kissing you either.

Ok, I did spend some time thinking about different things I want to do with and too you, so there is that. I mean really, I should be buried deep inside of you and feel you grinding your hips against mine. Or at the very least I should be holding onto your hips and having my way. Or maybe holding onto your head.

Sigh.

Anyway, tomorrow morning I'll head off to training. Might come back Wednesday, might be Thursday. Depends on whether I choose to spend one more night in a hotel this week, got Monday and Tuesday for certain.

For now I'll keep  pushing to get to where it is I want to be. Wish I could win the lottery, would be nice to work because I feel like it and not because I have to. Should I say I love you again or let you wonder if I do. Maybe I'll let you wonder. ;)

Hah, like you'd believe I didn't. Time to get back to getting ready.

Saturday Night

Listening to a mix of songs now. You're All I Need To Get By is playing and I am smiling at the thoughts running through my head. It is a nice change from the frustration and anger that has been fueling my fire lately.

Tired of working as hard as I have to get less than I could if I was elsewhere. Been very active in trying to change that and will continue to do so. Can't see doing otherwise, unless I win the lottery or inherit $100 million.

Since neither is likely I'll focus on the areas I can exert real influence. Might not have complete control of my circumstances but I have enough to change where I live. That would be a good start.

I feel like going to the movies tonight. Want to come? Guess I'll have to take a raincheck on that for now.

What a long strange trip it has been. You might not have always physically been next to me but damn if I haven't felt your presence more than once. Layla is playing now, it is on the piano part and I am thinking it would have been cool to have been gifted to play an instrument or two.

I bet if I could play I would be able to play the hell out of whatever I was playing. That is the gift and the curse of artistry. You can't be great if you don't know how to look inside the dark places inside as well as the light.

I do both. Always have.

Going with my gut and telling you again I think there is more depth to love in imperfection than perfection. Good circumstances, bad circumstances, whatever. It is all just life and life is whatever we choose to make of it.

Today may not be my best day but I won't let it be my worst ever. Come hold my hand and I'll tell you a story. Or better yet one day I'll write a complete version that no one but you will understand and appreciate.

Some might say they recognize it. Some might think it is about them and whatever secret worlds they have built but it won't matter because they never ventured through ours. Rainy days and blue skies intermixed with anything and everything you can imagine.

Each day together or apart we continue to paint the walls and create a giant tapestry of light, sound and memories. As always I'll say that I will never regret having fallen in love with you. It is a huge part of how I came to rediscover who I am and who I want to be.

This moment in time is just a moment and though it may feel like it is forever I know I will blink and wonder how it all went so fast. But none of it will compare to the mystery of the time we spent together. It felt like a combination of a blink and forever.

That is a good thing and something only the lucky get to experience. The metamorphasis continues and though I have my suspicions of who we'll be and how it will all turn out I cannot see with any more clarity than the Magic 8 ball provides.

So I'll just keep doing what I need to do to get my career into the shape it needs to be so that I can position myself for a more fulfilling and more interesting future. Sometimes I hate being an adult. ;)

And with that my dear Juneleh I'll tell you again I think you are beautiful.

Placeholders

Something about this position grinds on my nerves in a way that concerns me because I haven't even started yet. Can't say exactly what it is, don't know if anticipation is making it worse in my head than the reality.

What I am certain of is that my body is in knots over this and my stress level is way too high. I try to remind myself  I am not married to this position and that it will be a placeholder, a bridge between now and then.

But it makes me sad to do something that feels like a regression and not a progression. I have worked so very hard to not be in this position and yet here I am.

I shouldn't whine because it could be worse. Shouldn't complain because this is the first step back towards where I want to be. But I am and I will because I am entitled to complain sometimes about the crap that life throws at us.

Can't go back in time and do it all differently but if I could, I would.

Back To The Salt Mines

Come Monday I go back to the salt mines. Not thrilled about it, trying to have a better attitude. It is a temporary stop and it could be worse. Just feels off but almost everything does now.

I know what I think and what I feel. These don't add up right, but I'll do it because it buys me time. What feels hard here isn't what I want to be hard and what is easy isn't quite right. Sort of surprised by how angry I am about it all.

Could be far worse, just have to let go and roll with it.Still have other irons in the fire, guess we shall see what we see.

You'll never guess what I would ask for if you were around either. ;)

One Of My Mottos

Dear Juneleh,

This is part of how I live my life.

Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before.
Jacob Riis

We'll always face good times and bad ones.

Some days we'll find ourselves standing at the top of the mountain and some at the bottom and it won't matter how much or how little cash we have.

The only thing that truly matters is our willingness to keep pushing forward and to pick ourselves up when we fall down.

Granted I am damn tired of falling and irritated with those who try to push me down, but I promise you dear lady I won't stay down for long.

Might catch my breath, might take a moment to see what the sky looks like from my back, but I won't stay down.

Speaking of views from our backs, how would you like to see what the stars look like while on your back. ;)

A Story

Dear Juneleh,

If we had this moment to spend I might ask you to come straddle me and then we could try to figure out who would last the long enough in asking the other to take off their clothes. I'd kiss your mouth and your neck and use a couple of tricks I learned during our time together.

If you ask me what I want I will tell you I really don't know whether I desire to be inside of you, to have your mouth or to just hold your hand. My guess is I would tell you that I expect you to come to bed half naked so that I can have you any time I want.

But if you were straddling me I'd tell you a story and talk to you about anything and everything. I'd whisper in your ear that I love you and if you said I was only saying that because I want you I would laugh because it is not true.

You will always be beautiful and sexy to me and when we are 100 I will still have my way with you just because.

Hell, I can't think of anything I don't like doing with you.

Sometimes I like sucking on you just because it cracks me up when you say it is ticklish.

The other day I thought about you going down on me and how you told me where you wanted my hands.

And then I thought some more about why and how you just do it for me. You are my best friend and I love you.

It is that simple.

Everything else maybe a bit more complicated, but the root is love and friendship. What could be stronger than that.

10,000 Love Letters

Dear Juneleh,

I heard someone make a comment about 10,000 love letters but I can't tell you much about the context because I only caught part of the conversation. At least I think I caught part of it, truth is I might not have heard anything about 10,000 love letters.

It could have been something else entirely so I am left in the position of saying I don't really know what was actually said or alternatively saying I chose to fill in the blanks myself. Might be more fun to fill in the blanks myself because I don't have to worry about whether it was accurate or not.

So maybe what I could or should say is I am not sure if I have written you 10,000 love letters yet but if I haven't it wasn't because of lack of effort. If anything it was a lack of intent to reach a specific number.

You might wonder if I could do it not based upon capability because we both know that is not a good tool for measuring. Of course I could do it but would I, should I and could I come up with material.

I don't have to think twice about it because to me the answer is yes. I could write 10,000 love letters and have them be different. Of course there would be similarities and some of them might include some crossover material.

But the question isn't about could I or should I, is it. It is not really about trying to quantify love or any sort of feeling because that takes something away from the magic we share. Maybe one day I'll see things differently but for now I still see it as I have since the very beginning.

There is a fire that burns and has never gone out. At times it may have shrunk to a mild simmer but it doesn't take much for it to come roaring back and to grow exceptionally big. A fire requires air and there is a reason why we have referred to each other as our air.

One day in the darkest moment of the night I am going to roll over and take you. And somewhere in the moment when neither one of us can figure out where we start or begin we'll smile because we have hit that spot when two become one.

A never ending kiss that lasts a life time.

Just A Dream

Woke up this morning and reached for you because I was certain you were in bed with me. Took me a moment to realize I had been dreaming about going to Hawaii with you. Don't remember much in the way of specifics about it but I know it made me smile.

You can never smile enough or too much. There is no such thing as too much happiness but it is possible to be too sad, too angry and too frustrated. Would be nice to start and finish the day by kissing you.

Of course there is always the possibility that might lead to something more but I don't think there would be any reasons to complain about that either. One day I am going to find out what it is like to wake up and have you there.

Second Post Of The Day

Dear Juneleh,

Here is your second post of the day. It is a happier post than the first primarily because I feel better about a bunch of things. No specific news yet.

Anyway, given the chance I'd throw your legs over my shoulders and go to town. That is not to say I wouldn't make love to you as well because I would but sometimes you just need to do the traditional role thing.

I guess what you are sort of seeing here is the roller coaster ride I seem to be riding on. There are these up and down moments each day sort of based upon how much activity I have.  When I have multiple interviews it is easy to feel more optimistic and when there is not much going on, well then it starts to feel very tough.

There is more to do and more to say but no time to do it now so I'll end this here with a comment that I still think you are beautiful and sexy.

Crumbling

Woke up this morning and had to fight to get myself out of bed. Just one of those moments where I felt like I was crumbling and wondered how the hell I was going to get myself out of this. I don't experience these moments often but when I do, oh boy.

Won't go to the doc until I have my work situation resolved. This may be nothing more than stress related but I can't take anything more on. I am officially at capacity.

The hardest thing about this moment is it feels endless and there is this whisper inside my head that asks me why I think it will ever get better because the recent past shows it doesn't matter how hard I try.

All I can do is revisit mental list of successes and there are many to strangle that sucker and push him back down to where I don't have to listen. That is the joy of being your own worst critic. I am ready for that train ride we talked about taking or some other vacation.

My birthday wish is very simple this year. Give me a decent job and let me be able to live without worry again and that will be enough. And now this bald man is going back to the salt mines, this shit won't pass unless I make it happen and I will make it happen.

Fed Up

I am fed up and tired.

Not easy to be positive when wading through crap. Got a few things going on that might make a difference, but then again I have been saying that repeatedly for quite some time now.

Who knows if this time it will work or if it will be one more bust.

I need to win the lottery. Beyond that I need several other things but I won't mention those now, too grumpy. Maybe I'll make like a bear and try hibernating and see what happens.

Things To Do With And To You

Dear Juneleh,

I have a long list of things I want to do with you and a short list of what I want to do to you. Probably worth mentioning I see them all as being fun and think you will to. In spite of all of the craziness we have dealt with fun is one of the primary words I use to describe us.

When you have too much time on your hands as I do you find yourself thinking about anything and everything. What I find most frustrating about it all is I find myself wondering why I haven't managed to accomplish more than I have during it all because it feels like I could have done more.

I feel like I could have or should have exercised more but then again I have been tied to the phone, computer and electronics in general because resolving the biggest issue of all requires extensive time there.

Sent out around 2,000 applications and had a fair amount of feedback but haven't closed anything yet. Been trying to analyze the reason for failure and haven't been able to do it with the sort of accuracy I want because I don't have access to honest responses.

Heard from a few that things are on hold and that no decisions have been made. That almost makes me crazier because it is not a no, it is just a not now. I am real familiar with 'not now.' I know that intimately.

I am battered and bruised and impatient. Some things are setting me off when they never would bother me and I am fighting to hold it all together. There is a part of me that wants to say 'fuck it' and start burning and blowing up bridges like Sherman burning down Atlanta.

Like that guy out your way who told me I sounded like the perfect candidate and asked me three times how soon I could be there. The dude said he would call and just disappeared. WTF is up with that.

If you don't like me or think I am the right fit it is fine to say so. I am a grown up, be straight but so many people don't. They don't bother to respond, they just disappear. Pisses me off because if they decide they need me they'll expect me to drop everything.

But though I may be in the hole I will not lie down and make it home. Going to climb out, one way or another.

And my beautiful girl, that reminds me I have been thinking about your arm. I have some ideas for how to fix that. Mainly the same stuff I mentioned before. I am curious about it because like I said I felt that knot in your shoulder blades before.

All I need is to get my hands on you to see if I can help relieve some of that pain. Hell if I get my hands on you I can do a lot more than that. Would love to kiss that mouth of yours and look in your eyes.

One of these days we'll get a shot again and maybe that will include a chance to travel. There is so much to see and do. There are stories that might end up on paper but I'd rather experience them with you first.

Holidaze

Got punched in the mouth today (not literally) by a couple of things. Under normal circumstances they would be irritating and nothing more, but today they feel soul crushing.

The kind of stuff where I look up at the ceiling and ask why I can't catch a break. This crap is slowly killing me, just death by a thousand paper cuts.

I hate feeling like this. I am not a negative person but this crap makes me feel like it is turning me into one. It can't keep going. I can't live like this anymore.

If I didn't have the imagination I do and the ridiculous gut feelings that keep me going I would be in serious trouble. Life is unfair, but you know that. All we get to do is choose how to act or react to what happens.

Wish I was with my pepper pike. ;) Hope your holiday is great.

P.S. You know how FB suggests people you know as potential friends? Well it just suggested I send a request to your cousin, one who shares a friend in common with me. They are still in contact with you. Think business card.

Might Post Twice Today

Babeleh, I might post twice here today, depends on how things go but I think I had a dream about peppering your pike.

It made me think of this:

Wasn't going to send you anything, but went with
the gut 'cuz that's what this board is about.

 When you think of me, I think of you.

Be well Juneleh and I'll see you on the other side.

We have been through quite a bit woman, haven't we. It might not have gone exactly as we wanted, planned or would have liked but through it all we always seem to find each other again.

That means something to me and I suppose it is tied into why I love you now and have for so many years.

We may make each other crazy sometimes but the good outweighs the bad by an overwhelming amount.

It is not even close.

Damn, if I don't want to hug and kiss you now.

More than A Decade

I know a woman who has received more than a decade of love letters. Methinks she might get a few more....maybe and not just because I know where her legs are going to be either.

But for no other reason than just because.

There is an image in my mind now, a very specific image of a time yet to come. You may think you know what that picture is of, but I am not certain you do.

Do you remember when you first realized we had fallen in love? Did you mark it down in a journal or give it a place inside your head all its own.

Incidentally that is not tied into the image in my head, that is something else.

Got lots of thoughts floating around and one day I might share, but not here, at least not today or not now.

Might not be fair for me to leave you wondering if it is a sexual thought or something as simple as saying I love you, but life isn't always fair, now is it. :)