http://www.obsessedwithconformity.com/1138/lightning/
Read this the other day. Interesting.
Visibility
Instinct or Intuition
So sweet Juneleh, here we are living our cyberlife together and yet apart.
I am doing what I always do, going off of what my gut says to do, operating off of instinct and intuition. It is a mix of confidence and uncertainty. It is not always easy but there are things that are so much harder. Most of the time that works for me because it is honest, real and true.
Doesn't mean there aren't times when I think about how life is so very unfair but those moments never last because they never take me anywhere that I can use. I never get anything out of feeling sorry other than just anger and what is the upside to that.
The hardest part about this moment in time isn't that I don't have you as a full partner because I won't lean on you that way, not now.
It is this crazy feeling that comes and goes where I worry about what is going to happen next. It is this fear that somehow I will drop all of the balls I am juggling and that my world will explode again. When it comes I try invite it in, bring it up close where I can trap it in a bear hug and crush it.
Or sometimes I say "thank you, you can go now" and then I focus on something else. It sounds goofy but it works.
And like I said I have a long list of accomplishments that I can look at. Many, many good things and the confidence that much more is going to come.
Anyway, you may get another story to read soon or you might not. Depends on what my schedule looks like and if I feel like sharing it with you. I am 100% certain about the connection and that there are moments where I know damn well what you are thinking or feeling, sometimes that makes me want to write more and sometimes it just doesn't.
You have my heart and I haven't any problem saying that because it doesn't change a thing. One day you'll say I have yours and one day you won't. The joy of being a woman, logical, rational and decisive. But I love you for all of you and I am walking the damn road without much worry about what it means for you and I because that is the one area I have the most confidence in.
It will or it won't. If nothing else it provides so much fodder inside my head for stories. I like that. Stay tuned and you'll see or hear a few.
Got stuff to do, try not to smile too big reading this and just submit. You don't have to tell me you love me for me to know that and you can say it without worrying that the world will explode. It won't, not yet. Got a few million years to go, madam scientist.
MLBF crazy girl. ;)
I am doing what I always do, going off of what my gut says to do, operating off of instinct and intuition. It is a mix of confidence and uncertainty. It is not always easy but there are things that are so much harder. Most of the time that works for me because it is honest, real and true.
Doesn't mean there aren't times when I think about how life is so very unfair but those moments never last because they never take me anywhere that I can use. I never get anything out of feeling sorry other than just anger and what is the upside to that.
The hardest part about this moment in time isn't that I don't have you as a full partner because I won't lean on you that way, not now.
It is this crazy feeling that comes and goes where I worry about what is going to happen next. It is this fear that somehow I will drop all of the balls I am juggling and that my world will explode again. When it comes I try invite it in, bring it up close where I can trap it in a bear hug and crush it.
Or sometimes I say "thank you, you can go now" and then I focus on something else. It sounds goofy but it works.
And like I said I have a long list of accomplishments that I can look at. Many, many good things and the confidence that much more is going to come.
Anyway, you may get another story to read soon or you might not. Depends on what my schedule looks like and if I feel like sharing it with you. I am 100% certain about the connection and that there are moments where I know damn well what you are thinking or feeling, sometimes that makes me want to write more and sometimes it just doesn't.
You have my heart and I haven't any problem saying that because it doesn't change a thing. One day you'll say I have yours and one day you won't. The joy of being a woman, logical, rational and decisive. But I love you for all of you and I am walking the damn road without much worry about what it means for you and I because that is the one area I have the most confidence in.
It will or it won't. If nothing else it provides so much fodder inside my head for stories. I like that. Stay tuned and you'll see or hear a few.
Got stuff to do, try not to smile too big reading this and just submit. You don't have to tell me you love me for me to know that and you can say it without worrying that the world will explode. It won't, not yet. Got a few million years to go, madam scientist.
MLBF crazy girl. ;)
Dinner
Well sweet June it occurs to me I need to cook you dinner. If you're real lucky I'll cook breakfast too.
I love you for no other reason than just because.
Saturday Night
Hi baby,
How is the girl I want to wrap up in my arms and spirit away. How is the woman I want to make love to. Does she feel empty. Does she wonder if she can let go and love and be loved.
You don't have to answer any of those questions. I am certain that any negative answer is temporary. You have so much inside you, such depth and I know because I have seen it first hand. No doubt in my mind that we can bring the best out of each other.
One thing I have learned over time is that when I just let things happen I am happier. It is not easy for me. It is hard, really hard because part of me always wants to try and help guide things along but we have limited control of life. I am not talking about destiny, free will, karma or any of that woo woo stuff here.
What I am saying is that when you look at life we know from experience the working world isn't filled with the best and brightest. The smartest and most qualified person doesn't always get the best job. Sometimes the jackasses, asshole and mutton heads are the ones who get those and all we can do is try to manage whatever situation we are in.
Genetics hit us in all sorts of different ways so sometimes our ability to control ourselves is more limited than we want it to be. Shit happens and we just have to roll with it.
So I am just doing my best to be the conductor of my life, to try and control what I can and manage what I can't. I try to do my best to make smart decisions and not fall prey to emotions that make me act in a way that provides short term solace and long term pain.
But it is not always easy.There are moments where I am frightened, where I feel like I am completely on my own and that there is no support whatsoever for me.
I hope you understand my love that I am not taking a swipe at you with that. I don't expect you to do more than you have done. I understand your situation and if it ever was so difficult I couldn't figure it out I would let you know.
It hasn't reached that place. It has been exceptionally frustrating and I have been through a lot so sometimes I wonder how long that will continue. Sometimes I wonder if I have ever made an intelligent decision in my life but when I think about it I have a long list of accomplishments.
So I guess what I am really saying is that it would be nice to have the ability to look down the road and feel like I really knew what my plan was. It hasn't been easy to have to include other voices in decision making. I was happier before when I didn't.
Still time has taught me to keep doing what I am doing and to have confidence in my ability to work things out and to deal with whatever consequences come with those choices. I also know from past experience that loving and being loved by you has been amazing.
That experience only makes me wonder how much more it could be if we were unencumbered and able to let go and just love.
For a short time we had our own place, a home that we shared and I can only hope we get to do it again. It would be so much fun to wake up with you each day and kiss you goodnight each evening.
"With you I could bring out
All the love that I have"
How is the girl I want to wrap up in my arms and spirit away. How is the woman I want to make love to. Does she feel empty. Does she wonder if she can let go and love and be loved.
You don't have to answer any of those questions. I am certain that any negative answer is temporary. You have so much inside you, such depth and I know because I have seen it first hand. No doubt in my mind that we can bring the best out of each other.
One thing I have learned over time is that when I just let things happen I am happier. It is not easy for me. It is hard, really hard because part of me always wants to try and help guide things along but we have limited control of life. I am not talking about destiny, free will, karma or any of that woo woo stuff here.
What I am saying is that when you look at life we know from experience the working world isn't filled with the best and brightest. The smartest and most qualified person doesn't always get the best job. Sometimes the jackasses, asshole and mutton heads are the ones who get those and all we can do is try to manage whatever situation we are in.
Genetics hit us in all sorts of different ways so sometimes our ability to control ourselves is more limited than we want it to be. Shit happens and we just have to roll with it.
So I am just doing my best to be the conductor of my life, to try and control what I can and manage what I can't. I try to do my best to make smart decisions and not fall prey to emotions that make me act in a way that provides short term solace and long term pain.
But it is not always easy.There are moments where I am frightened, where I feel like I am completely on my own and that there is no support whatsoever for me.
I hope you understand my love that I am not taking a swipe at you with that. I don't expect you to do more than you have done. I understand your situation and if it ever was so difficult I couldn't figure it out I would let you know.
It hasn't reached that place. It has been exceptionally frustrating and I have been through a lot so sometimes I wonder how long that will continue. Sometimes I wonder if I have ever made an intelligent decision in my life but when I think about it I have a long list of accomplishments.
So I guess what I am really saying is that it would be nice to have the ability to look down the road and feel like I really knew what my plan was. It hasn't been easy to have to include other voices in decision making. I was happier before when I didn't.
Still time has taught me to keep doing what I am doing and to have confidence in my ability to work things out and to deal with whatever consequences come with those choices. I also know from past experience that loving and being loved by you has been amazing.
That experience only makes me wonder how much more it could be if we were unencumbered and able to let go and just love.
For a short time we had our own place, a home that we shared and I can only hope we get to do it again. It would be so much fun to wake up with you each day and kiss you goodnight each evening.
"With you I could bring out
All the love that I have"
Mother's Day
Sorry I can't celebrate with my favorite mother. Maybe one day...
Add that to my list of plans for you. Got a few gifts in mind.
I guess someone loves you, wonder who that is.
Off The Top Of My Head
Dear Juneleh,
During the weird moments I never quite know what to share with you. Weird moments meaning the times where we are in the place in between friends and more than. It is a funky sort of thing because I never believe romance is dead in you. I just see you as having reached overload and shutting down temporarily.
Might be right, might be wrong. I really don't think about that much. I give it the gut test and if it feels like it to me that is how I roll. And like I have said many times when it comes to you and I it is a day by day thing with me.
I don't worry much about it. If it goes as I hope I'll know and if it doesn't I'll know too. If meant to be really exists well then all falls into place and if it doesn't exist well it could still fall into place too. Thing is if all falls into place we won't really be able to attribute it to meant to be or just random luck either. Truth is I care little about the label and more about outcome.
Since I am sharing these thoughts with you I'll give you a few more. Are we best friends? That sounds so silly and childish. My gut response is we are and that because we are in that funny place we do the dancing in the fire bit, you know that thing where you walk across hot coals and try not to get burned.
Have I told you that you are my favorite person to write for and it is not because you're my biggest fan, sexy or beautiful.
Work calls and I have to attend to it. But before I go I'll play the fool and say I love you again because I do. Don't need to hear you say it back to know the answer either. Got a very full plate now and I am plowing through it.
I try not to complain much because it doesn't change having to do what is required. What I know for certain is that even though there is much I would do differently I am proud of what I have accomplished and very confident about my future. I get things done because I don't wait for things to happen, I make them happen.
It is a good feeling, almost as good as having your legs wrapped around me but better than your shoes digging into my calves. ;)
During the weird moments I never quite know what to share with you. Weird moments meaning the times where we are in the place in between friends and more than. It is a funky sort of thing because I never believe romance is dead in you. I just see you as having reached overload and shutting down temporarily.
Might be right, might be wrong. I really don't think about that much. I give it the gut test and if it feels like it to me that is how I roll. And like I have said many times when it comes to you and I it is a day by day thing with me.
I don't worry much about it. If it goes as I hope I'll know and if it doesn't I'll know too. If meant to be really exists well then all falls into place and if it doesn't exist well it could still fall into place too. Thing is if all falls into place we won't really be able to attribute it to meant to be or just random luck either. Truth is I care little about the label and more about outcome.
Since I am sharing these thoughts with you I'll give you a few more. Are we best friends? That sounds so silly and childish. My gut response is we are and that because we are in that funny place we do the dancing in the fire bit, you know that thing where you walk across hot coals and try not to get burned.
Have I told you that you are my favorite person to write for and it is not because you're my biggest fan, sexy or beautiful.
Work calls and I have to attend to it. But before I go I'll play the fool and say I love you again because I do. Don't need to hear you say it back to know the answer either. Got a very full plate now and I am plowing through it.
I try not to complain much because it doesn't change having to do what is required. What I know for certain is that even though there is much I would do differently I am proud of what I have accomplished and very confident about my future. I get things done because I don't wait for things to happen, I make them happen.
It is a good feeling, almost as good as having your legs wrapped around me but better than your shoes digging into my calves. ;)
Post To Come Later
Hi June,
Going to open house. Quick note to myself about year, chance, opportunity, karma, science, fate and dice. Magic 8 ball, Phantom, Manilow, Denver Cash, Charles, Mama, pizzA Keg and mroe
Going to open house. Quick note to myself about year, chance, opportunity, karma, science, fate and dice. Magic 8 ball, Phantom, Manilow, Denver Cash, Charles, Mama, pizzA Keg and mroe
A Calm Life
Dear June,
When you mention you want a calm life I smiled because that is what I want too. I understand what you are saying and the funny thing is when I picture a calm life I always think of life with you. You may think I am nuts or in denial about everything but I feel like I have a very good understanding of it.
I recognize given everything that is going on now our time feels a bit like an illusion. There is the calm of being together and then that feeling that comes after. I get the struggle and the pain of deception and I hate the idea that I have ever added to that.
You know that I love you. Not going to lie or try to hide that. Nor will I say anything other than I am confident you feel the same way about me. Things were too real and we know each other too well not to know this.
Here is what I want you to know. I could have made it back already but I haven't because I didn't want to add to that stress. If I am required to go for other reasons than I obviously will and I'll worry about that if it happens.
My immediate goal is to solidify my professional life. I have no greater stress than that. It takes tremendous effort not to think about it daily which annoys me to no end because I am very good about not stressing out about most things.
A bit farther down the road I have to make new living arrangements. I am finally sold on the idea of living somewhere that is more affordable and that is where my interest lies. Recent experiences have given me more familiarity with some areas than others.
I don't know what the future holds for much of anything but I do know I need to focus on building for retirement and that is where the majority of my focus is. My life will be calmer when I feel more secure about that.
When you mention you want a calm life I smiled because that is what I want too. I understand what you are saying and the funny thing is when I picture a calm life I always think of life with you. You may think I am nuts or in denial about everything but I feel like I have a very good understanding of it.
I recognize given everything that is going on now our time feels a bit like an illusion. There is the calm of being together and then that feeling that comes after. I get the struggle and the pain of deception and I hate the idea that I have ever added to that.
You know that I love you. Not going to lie or try to hide that. Nor will I say anything other than I am confident you feel the same way about me. Things were too real and we know each other too well not to know this.
Here is what I want you to know. I could have made it back already but I haven't because I didn't want to add to that stress. If I am required to go for other reasons than I obviously will and I'll worry about that if it happens.
My immediate goal is to solidify my professional life. I have no greater stress than that. It takes tremendous effort not to think about it daily which annoys me to no end because I am very good about not stressing out about most things.
A bit farther down the road I have to make new living arrangements. I am finally sold on the idea of living somewhere that is more affordable and that is where my interest lies. Recent experiences have given me more familiarity with some areas than others.
I don't know what the future holds for much of anything but I do know I need to focus on building for retirement and that is where the majority of my focus is. My life will be calmer when I feel more secure about that.
Plans
Dear June,
I have plans for you. One day when there is time I am going to write something with you by my side.
One day I'm going to show you a thing or two about how I write. One day we'll let our guard down all the way and enjoy each others company.
I miss your arms and I miss your lips. That is more raw than you know but I'm good. I take it all one day at a time but I can't help but see things.
Couldn't write stories if I didn't.
A Love Letter
Dear Juneleh,
I was thinking about whether to write you a love letter or a story and then I decided I would let the universe tell me what to do so I yelled "Hey universe, give me a sign."
Well nothing happened, no lightning, no thunder no voices from a burning bush and so I went about my business. Worked for a while and then I took a break. Went to the television and turned on HBO to see if there are any movies worth taping and this was playing.
Flipped on Amazon to see if there was a book for my Kindle and this showed up. Did I mention my email contained listings like Advanced Placement Team • TX-Arlington.
Well I don't see that as anything but coincidence so who knows. Anyhoo, anyway and anywhere was my response. So I told the universe that I need something more direct and then I felt my body get warm because you were thinking about me.
You and those wandering hands. Well I don't know much but what I do know I am keeping to myself for the moment. But I will confess my dearest that if I had you in our bed I would have lots to talk to you about. Still don't know if I am going to write the story or not, got some of it written down on paper. The question is whether I will move my notes over or not. Kiss me crazy girl and submit or don't.
I was thinking about whether to write you a love letter or a story and then I decided I would let the universe tell me what to do so I yelled "Hey universe, give me a sign."
Well nothing happened, no lightning, no thunder no voices from a burning bush and so I went about my business. Worked for a while and then I took a break. Went to the television and turned on HBO to see if there are any movies worth taping and this was playing.
Flipped on Amazon to see if there was a book for my Kindle and this showed up. Did I mention my email contained listings like Advanced Placement Team • TX-Arlington.
Well I don't see that as anything but coincidence so who knows. Anyhoo, anyway and anywhere was my response. So I told the universe that I need something more direct and then I felt my body get warm because you were thinking about me.
You and those wandering hands. Well I don't know much but what I do know I am keeping to myself for the moment. But I will confess my dearest that if I had you in our bed I would have lots to talk to you about. Still don't know if I am going to write the story or not, got some of it written down on paper. The question is whether I will move my notes over or not. Kiss me crazy girl and submit or don't.
Who I Am or Who Am I
Well past midnight, not nearly as tired as I should be but I am a night owl and I have a lot on my mind.
If you ask me what I see when I close my eyes I know for certain what that is and where I am. It is different from who I am now and where I am.
Used to wonder if I had the guts to make the changes and then life happened and I learned I could and I can. Not really a question of can now, but when. Could say more, could be explicit but I think given what I know, what I feel and what I think for now I'll just let that one be.
Funny sort of place to be in, this moment. It is a mix of supreme confidence and real uncertainty. A question of do I trust what I see or what I know. Trust is hard to come by these days, but even when things are at their hardest I always know if I keep moving forward I'll get to where I am going.
If you ask me what I see when I close my eyes I know for certain what that is and where I am. It is different from who I am now and where I am.
Used to wonder if I had the guts to make the changes and then life happened and I learned I could and I can. Not really a question of can now, but when. Could say more, could be explicit but I think given what I know, what I feel and what I think for now I'll just let that one be.
Funny sort of place to be in, this moment. It is a mix of supreme confidence and real uncertainty. A question of do I trust what I see or what I know. Trust is hard to come by these days, but even when things are at their hardest I always know if I keep moving forward I'll get to where I am going.
