Saturday Night

Hi baby,

How is the girl I want to wrap up in my arms and spirit away. How is the woman I want to make love to. Does she feel empty. Does she wonder if she can let go and love and be loved.

You don't have to answer any of those questions. I am certain that any negative answer is temporary. You have so much inside you, such depth and I know because I have seen it first hand. No doubt in my mind that we can bring the best out of each other.

One thing I have learned over time is that when I just let things happen I am happier. It is not easy for me. It is hard, really hard because part of me always wants to try and help guide things along but we have limited control of life. I am not talking about destiny, free will, karma or any of that woo woo stuff here.

What I am saying is that when you look at life we know from experience the working world isn't filled with the best and brightest. The smartest and most qualified person doesn't always get the best job. Sometimes the jackasses, asshole and mutton heads are the ones who get those and all we can do is try to manage whatever situation we are in.

Genetics hit us in all sorts of different ways so sometimes our ability to control ourselves is more limited than we want it to be. Shit happens and we just have to roll with it.

So I am just doing my best to be the conductor of my life, to try and control what I can and manage what I can't. I try to do my best to make smart decisions and not fall prey to emotions that make me act in a way that provides short term solace and long term pain.

But it is not always easy.There are moments where I am frightened, where I feel like I am completely on my own and that there is no support whatsoever for me.

I hope you understand my love that I am not taking a swipe at you with that. I don't expect you to do more than you have done. I understand your situation and if it ever was so difficult I couldn't figure it out I would let you know.

It hasn't reached that place. It has been exceptionally frustrating and I have been through a lot so sometimes I wonder how long that will continue. Sometimes I wonder if I have ever made an intelligent decision in my life but when I think about it I have a long list of accomplishments.

So I guess what I am really saying is that it would be nice to have the ability to look down the road and feel like I really knew what my plan was. It hasn't been easy to have to include other voices in decision making. I was happier before when I didn't.

Still time has taught me to keep doing what I am doing and to have confidence in my ability to work things out and to deal with whatever consequences come with those choices. I also know from past experience that loving and being loved by you has been amazing.

That experience only makes me wonder how much more it could be if we were unencumbered and able to let go and just love.

For a short time we had our own place, a home that we shared and I can only hope we get to do it again. It would be so much fun to wake up with you each day and kiss you goodnight each evening.

"With you I could bring out
All the love that I have"