Dear June,
I shouldn't tell you how I took a nap today and woke up thinking about how nice it you be to just roll over and take you. Got me thinking about whether I wanted to have you in a million different positions.
I think my favorite will always be with you on your back, but from behind and or bent over the couch certainly get my attention too. Did I ever mention how when we were standing in the kitchen I...
I don't just think you are sexy, I think you are beautiful and as I have told you before if given the change I would try to wear you out. :) Don't have any more time to write now and I probably shouldn't fill your...head with this nonsense. Off to take care of other stuff that is far less interesting, but pays the bills.
Visibility
Sort of Lost
Dear June,
I think the best part of being this age is waking up and realizing you are not entirely sure who you are, where you are and why. Ok that is a bit of an exaggeration because I know I am and where I am. But the thing is I am not crazy about the what I am right now so I am working on changing it.
It is an interesting position to be in because in many ways I feel cut off from everyone. I am doing it all without feeling like anyone has my back and part of me is just fine with it. I am a big boy and I don't mind being alone.
Except the thing is, I am not able to make all of the decisions I want to make solely on my own and that pisses me off because if no one has my back I should be able to just do as I think is best. Eventually that is going to change.
Hell everything is going to change because this is not a vacuum and nothing stays the same. I am very curious to see what happens when I come out the other side because life is going to be very interesting.
I think the best part of being this age is waking up and realizing you are not entirely sure who you are, where you are and why. Ok that is a bit of an exaggeration because I know I am and where I am. But the thing is I am not crazy about the what I am right now so I am working on changing it.
It is an interesting position to be in because in many ways I feel cut off from everyone. I am doing it all without feeling like anyone has my back and part of me is just fine with it. I am a big boy and I don't mind being alone.
Except the thing is, I am not able to make all of the decisions I want to make solely on my own and that pisses me off because if no one has my back I should be able to just do as I think is best. Eventually that is going to change.
Hell everything is going to change because this is not a vacuum and nothing stays the same. I am very curious to see what happens when I come out the other side because life is going to be very interesting.
Present or Elsewhere
Dear Juneleh,
If I asked you when the last time you engaged in a little horizontal Mambo action you probably wouldn't answer but if you did I suspect you'd say you hoped it ended quickly and that you weren't into it.
Not that I don't want you to enjoy yourself, but if its not me I hope you are bored silly. ;)
I'd tell you that it is a sad state of affairs because that is how I see it. I am not going to lie and say it is anything other than dead on this end because it is not. This isn't supposed to be how life is and as I have said many time it is not how mine will end. It may go on for a bit longer because I am not in a position to change it yet, but it will change.
Change is the rule of the day. My promise to myself to continue to work towards making some significant and fundamental changes so that the future I am building will be better than now and less likely to continue to be such a mess.
The positive side of it all is knowing that because I am taking control I'll get it situated, adjusted and fixed so that I go to bed knowing I did not just my best, but what I had to do. A kinder, gentler and happier Johnny will be good for all.
What To Write
It is far more interesting to think about what we could do on our day than to focus on the reality of the current situation in which I am making so little progress at fixing things it makes me want to scream.
From one perspective I am breathing more easily than before because instead of heading for the cliff at breakneck speed I have managed to slow it down and have reason to believe I can turn it around pretty quickly.
But it doesn't change my concern about what happens if something major comes up before I am prepared to handle it. That is a possibility I can't ignore and if it happens, well it could be very ugly and uncomfortable.
So you can understand why I prefer to think about ways to relieve stress and promote health than to focus on something that makes my head hurt. It is also a significant part of why I have to change things here because I have to find a way to make life easier. Funny how sometimes that effort puts me in touch with people who know you, not an intentional thing at all, just coincidence.
Speaking of coincidences someone I know talked about giving their girl multiples and I thought, "I have done that and could do it again." Could be more explicit but I think you'll enjoy wondering what I am referring to so I'll just let it lie for now. You need a good spanking. :)
And with that, I am on my way.
From one perspective I am breathing more easily than before because instead of heading for the cliff at breakneck speed I have managed to slow it down and have reason to believe I can turn it around pretty quickly.
But it doesn't change my concern about what happens if something major comes up before I am prepared to handle it. That is a possibility I can't ignore and if it happens, well it could be very ugly and uncomfortable.
So you can understand why I prefer to think about ways to relieve stress and promote health than to focus on something that makes my head hurt. It is also a significant part of why I have to change things here because I have to find a way to make life easier. Funny how sometimes that effort puts me in touch with people who know you, not an intentional thing at all, just coincidence.
Speaking of coincidences someone I know talked about giving their girl multiples and I thought, "I have done that and could do it again." Could be more explicit but I think you'll enjoy wondering what I am referring to so I'll just let it lie for now. You need a good spanking. :)
And with that, I am on my way.
Changing The Template
Might have to change the template. Getting a bit tired of this one and would hate to bore the extra visitors with the same old, same old.
A Symphony Of Life
Dear June,
Someone once told me I was too tragic and it pissed me off. Made me so very angry because it felt unfair, inaccurate and I hated the idea that might be what I was presenting. But it also reminded me that I want to be liked and or loved for who I am.
It would be great if my life were nothing but sunshine and rainbows. It would be wonderful if I farted fairy dust and unicorns grew from my sneezes but that is not how it is. I am intense. I am a thinker and a dreamer.
If I feel something it is usually a deep feeling and that is just how it goes. If I love, I love deeply. When I laugh my body shakes. When I am angry I feel it everywhere. Maybe that is too much for some people. Maybe it is too hard. I have to look at it as their loss or their problem because it is just who I am.
A simple man with simple pleasures who like everyone else in life has had lots of joy and a fair amount of sorrow. I am not exaggerating when I say that the recent past has been among the most challenging and difficult I can remember.
Some of it is because I have a very clear understanding of what I need and I don't have it. I am missing some fundamental pieces that are important and every time I try to get to them I feel like the fruit is pulled just outside of my reach.
It is hard because I feel like I am doing it all on my own and no one seems to recognize the whole fucking house is on fire but me. I may be good at dancing in the fire but it doesn't mean that it doesn't burn the fuck out of me. Doesn't mean that there aren't times where I don't want to just sit down and say fuck it.
Sometimes I get pissed off with myself because I hold myself accountable for much of this. My choices. My decisions.This is where I am.
But then again not all of it is my fault and the reality is I have everything I need to make the changes that have to be made to get to solid ground again. And I know how crazy some of the shit I say is, but I know what my heart tells me and I haven't any doubt in the veracity of its song.
If I were capable I'd write a symphony of life and one element would be this section where the music would be heart rendingly sad, leaving a torrent of tears and then the happy part would come again and the sad part would be just history.
It is kind of a simplistic idea, a section that serves as a river of tears in which all of the hard and tough crap would be touched upon and then washed away.
I have been a part of tragedies as a central character and have witnessed them, but I am not a tragic story. If all I did was wear the crap that monkeys fling at the zookeeper I would be tragic. But I don't, I won't and I am not.
You can't see the stars without darkness and you don't appreciate what you have until you have lost it.
That is not hyperbole, it is fact. And having been through my share of shit I know some of this more intimately than I would like too. It is part of why I know this fucked up moment in time will pass and that I will end up on the other side.
That is my only expectation, that one day I'll have the ship sailing through smoother seas again. It is not a question of if, but when and I bet I am closer than I realize. And if telling you that I want your legs wrapped around me makes me a bad man, well it is ok with me.
I just wish I could show you this look I have seen in your eyes many times now. It is the one where I know we are connected on the deepest level and time stands still. I think we have found it more than once when we weren't physically together but the moments we were stand out because they made it all indisputable.
Anyway, time doesn't stand still for anyone and I have to jump back on the hamster wheel. The only way to get to the other side is to work for it and that I can do. And there you have more depth in a post than I have shared in a while.
Take care of yourself. Sometimes it is good to be selfish, it is how we recharge our batteries to take care of others.
Someone once told me I was too tragic and it pissed me off. Made me so very angry because it felt unfair, inaccurate and I hated the idea that might be what I was presenting. But it also reminded me that I want to be liked and or loved for who I am.
It would be great if my life were nothing but sunshine and rainbows. It would be wonderful if I farted fairy dust and unicorns grew from my sneezes but that is not how it is. I am intense. I am a thinker and a dreamer.
If I feel something it is usually a deep feeling and that is just how it goes. If I love, I love deeply. When I laugh my body shakes. When I am angry I feel it everywhere. Maybe that is too much for some people. Maybe it is too hard. I have to look at it as their loss or their problem because it is just who I am.
A simple man with simple pleasures who like everyone else in life has had lots of joy and a fair amount of sorrow. I am not exaggerating when I say that the recent past has been among the most challenging and difficult I can remember.
Some of it is because I have a very clear understanding of what I need and I don't have it. I am missing some fundamental pieces that are important and every time I try to get to them I feel like the fruit is pulled just outside of my reach.
It is hard because I feel like I am doing it all on my own and no one seems to recognize the whole fucking house is on fire but me. I may be good at dancing in the fire but it doesn't mean that it doesn't burn the fuck out of me. Doesn't mean that there aren't times where I don't want to just sit down and say fuck it.
Sometimes I get pissed off with myself because I hold myself accountable for much of this. My choices. My decisions.This is where I am.
But then again not all of it is my fault and the reality is I have everything I need to make the changes that have to be made to get to solid ground again. And I know how crazy some of the shit I say is, but I know what my heart tells me and I haven't any doubt in the veracity of its song.
If I were capable I'd write a symphony of life and one element would be this section where the music would be heart rendingly sad, leaving a torrent of tears and then the happy part would come again and the sad part would be just history.
It is kind of a simplistic idea, a section that serves as a river of tears in which all of the hard and tough crap would be touched upon and then washed away.
I have been a part of tragedies as a central character and have witnessed them, but I am not a tragic story. If all I did was wear the crap that monkeys fling at the zookeeper I would be tragic. But I don't, I won't and I am not.
You can't see the stars without darkness and you don't appreciate what you have until you have lost it.
That is not hyperbole, it is fact. And having been through my share of shit I know some of this more intimately than I would like too. It is part of why I know this fucked up moment in time will pass and that I will end up on the other side.
That is my only expectation, that one day I'll have the ship sailing through smoother seas again. It is not a question of if, but when and I bet I am closer than I realize. And if telling you that I want your legs wrapped around me makes me a bad man, well it is ok with me.
I just wish I could show you this look I have seen in your eyes many times now. It is the one where I know we are connected on the deepest level and time stands still. I think we have found it more than once when we weren't physically together but the moments we were stand out because they made it all indisputable.
Anyway, time doesn't stand still for anyone and I have to jump back on the hamster wheel. The only way to get to the other side is to work for it and that I can do. And there you have more depth in a post than I have shared in a while.
Take care of yourself. Sometimes it is good to be selfish, it is how we recharge our batteries to take care of others.
Expectations
There is a difference between what I want and what expect. I am very conscious of the distinction and as I have said many times I have a clear idea of what I hope will materialize but no way to determine if it will other than the Magic 8 Ball.
I could tell you the Magic 8 Ball said we would sleep together again and that other things would happen. Well, I suppose I ought to tell you I asked quite some time ago and the answers I got were:
You may rely on it
As I see it, yes
Most likely
Outlook good
Since everyone knows that the Magic 8 Ball is never wrong I take that as proof that these things will happen. But than again everyone knows the Magic 8 ball doesn't operate on our time schedule so it could be referring to 30 years from now.
Time will tell one way or another but in the interim the only serious expectation I have is that I will find a way to claw out of this hole and I'll stop living in the darkness. Because I am tired of feeling like I am fucked and having no relationship to sex.
If I am going to be fucked it ought to mean that naked time has commenced but that is neither here nor there. Really what I want most is to feel some stability in the career and wallet, everything else falls into place after that.
I could tell you the Magic 8 Ball said we would sleep together again and that other things would happen. Well, I suppose I ought to tell you I asked quite some time ago and the answers I got were:
You may rely on it
As I see it, yes
Most likely
Outlook good
Since everyone knows that the Magic 8 Ball is never wrong I take that as proof that these things will happen. But than again everyone knows the Magic 8 ball doesn't operate on our time schedule so it could be referring to 30 years from now.
Time will tell one way or another but in the interim the only serious expectation I have is that I will find a way to claw out of this hole and I'll stop living in the darkness. Because I am tired of feeling like I am fucked and having no relationship to sex.
If I am going to be fucked it ought to mean that naked time has commenced but that is neither here nor there. Really what I want most is to feel some stability in the career and wallet, everything else falls into place after that.
Travel
Got stuck in traffic and thought about getting stuck somewhere with you. Would be nice to have some real time alone with you, not bits and pieces but time.
I have a list of things to do with you, both inside and outside of the bedroom. And based upon past experience I have no doubt we would have a ridiculous amount of fun together. Got all sorts of ideas for how to make you squirm in the most positive sense of the word.
I'd tell you about singing Sexual Healing to you but my Marvin Gaye impression would either make you laugh hysterically or turn you off so I'll save that for a different time. Besides, if I am going to make you laugh I'd rather it happen when that is my intent.
Got to tell you sweet Juneleh, I feel like kissing you.
I have a list of things to do with you, both inside and outside of the bedroom. And based upon past experience I have no doubt we would have a ridiculous amount of fun together. Got all sorts of ideas for how to make you squirm in the most positive sense of the word.
I'd tell you about singing Sexual Healing to you but my Marvin Gaye impression would either make you laugh hysterically or turn you off so I'll save that for a different time. Besides, if I am going to make you laugh I'd rather it happen when that is my intent.
Got to tell you sweet Juneleh, I feel like kissing you.
Waiting
Man, oh man I am so tired of waiting for answers. Got a couple that might come through. Good possibilities, at least they seem to be. Wish they would say yes or no because I'll need some time to pack up the kit and kaboodle.
Not to mention fight a few battles, but I am not going to get into that now. But if you really want to know what or who I want to get into...
Not to mention fight a few battles, but I am not going to get into that now. But if you really want to know what or who I want to get into...
Tired Of Complaining
I am tired of complaining about this new gig but it is just not doing it for me. Is it better than making nothing? Sure, of course and yeah.
But I am not exactly enjoying it and I feel physically ill most days so the 'joy' that comes from having cash is mitigated by the discomfort and irritation that comes with this. This is not the life I want to lead nor will I continue.
Hopefully one of the irons in the fire will come through sooner than later and I can go on to the next thing. Doesn't mean they will be perfect or that there won't be any issues with anything else because I know better.
But one can hope that it leads to a big improvement in finances, and quality of life. If you enjoy what you do it makes a difference. And if you don't enjoy it, well if you are lucky you earn enough to make it tolerable.
Anyhoo, I refuse to be this whiny and cranky man any longer than I have to.
But I am not exactly enjoying it and I feel physically ill most days so the 'joy' that comes from having cash is mitigated by the discomfort and irritation that comes with this. This is not the life I want to lead nor will I continue.
Hopefully one of the irons in the fire will come through sooner than later and I can go on to the next thing. Doesn't mean they will be perfect or that there won't be any issues with anything else because I know better.
But one can hope that it leads to a big improvement in finances, and quality of life. If you enjoy what you do it makes a difference. And if you don't enjoy it, well if you are lucky you earn enough to make it tolerable.
Anyhoo, I refuse to be this whiny and cranky man any longer than I have to.
Certainty
Ask me about certainty and I'll tell you about that which I think and that which I know. Doesn't necessarily have to include a response about people, relationships or anything like that, although it could.
Instead I'll say today I am certain I need to keep pushing to move back and to be doing something other than what I am doing.
Thus far I wake up with limited interest in doing it and work hard to not spend the day irritated and cranky because I don't particularly enjoy it. Maybe that will change once this training period goes away but the training isn't very good and I get irritated because I feel like I know more about most of this than they do.
I try to have a good attitude because that is important. Was pleased to get a check when nothing had been coming but it is less than half of what I was making and that made it very painful. Going to keep working on getting something else, still haven't heard yes or no from two so maybe one or both will come through.
Instead I'll say today I am certain I need to keep pushing to move back and to be doing something other than what I am doing.
Thus far I wake up with limited interest in doing it and work hard to not spend the day irritated and cranky because I don't particularly enjoy it. Maybe that will change once this training period goes away but the training isn't very good and I get irritated because I feel like I know more about most of this than they do.
I try to have a good attitude because that is important. Was pleased to get a check when nothing had been coming but it is less than half of what I was making and that made it very painful. Going to keep working on getting something else, still haven't heard yes or no from two so maybe one or both will come through.
Tired
Dearest Juneleh,
I am very tired but I can't say I am surprised by it. Every time you start something new there is a certain amount of fatigue that comes from/with all of it. Today was a decent day, far better than yesterday but not enough to make me feel like I want to do this.
I am doing my best to maintain a positive attitude because at the moment this is what I have and I can't afford to just walk away. It may not be like that for long, or so I hope. Tomorrow I have a follow up with a place that had fallen off of the radar for a while.
It seems like it has potential but we'll wait and see what else I learn and if it really is in the realm of possibility. Might be the thing that leads to a big move and then again it might not. If you were here I'd make you straddle me and tell you about it.
But you are not so I won't.
More to say, more to share but no time to do so now, maybe later.
I am very tired but I can't say I am surprised by it. Every time you start something new there is a certain amount of fatigue that comes from/with all of it. Today was a decent day, far better than yesterday but not enough to make me feel like I want to do this.
I am doing my best to maintain a positive attitude because at the moment this is what I have and I can't afford to just walk away. It may not be like that for long, or so I hope. Tomorrow I have a follow up with a place that had fallen off of the radar for a while.
It seems like it has potential but we'll wait and see what else I learn and if it really is in the realm of possibility. Might be the thing that leads to a big move and then again it might not. If you were here I'd make you straddle me and tell you about it.
But you are not so I won't.
More to say, more to share but no time to do so now, maybe later.
Monday
Very tired and jammed for time but not so busy that I can't tell you I'd like to take you for a ride. I have something for you that can only be seen/experienced properly in person. Sadly I don't have enough time to elaborate upon it more now, but perhaps I'll come by later tonight.
Might be tomorrow though.
Might be tomorrow though.
The Cabin
Had a dream we went to a cabin, don't know where, don't know when. Might have been beach or mountains, could have been now or later. Details don't matter for this story, in spite of what you may say girly.
What I know is that whole astrological thing about healing each other took place. When we made love we were both fully engaged. No one was thinking about the chores that had to be done or appointments to be made.
I looked in your eyes and knew that we were in our own private space and that was what really made it even more magical. We communicate so very well and we are good at just giving each other things that other people can't,
If someone asked about our sex life I'd smile because I could tell them it is awesome. I could say if I want a quickie or whatever it happens. I could say I can take you whenever and know I am not exaggerating. But again, this moment in the cabin was different because in a quickie you are engaged in a different way. You are doing your best to make the other person happy but part of you is already moving to the next task,
This wasn't that. This was that moment in time, two people painting a love picture. How goofy does that sound and that makes all the difference.There is this smile you have that is different, a look that I have seen multiple times but it doesn't always come out.
That one makes me very happy because of how I think you feel. I love you baby, think I always have, even when I didn't know it.
What I know is that whole astrological thing about healing each other took place. When we made love we were both fully engaged. No one was thinking about the chores that had to be done or appointments to be made.
I looked in your eyes and knew that we were in our own private space and that was what really made it even more magical. We communicate so very well and we are good at just giving each other things that other people can't,
If someone asked about our sex life I'd smile because I could tell them it is awesome. I could say if I want a quickie or whatever it happens. I could say I can take you whenever and know I am not exaggerating. But again, this moment in the cabin was different because in a quickie you are engaged in a different way. You are doing your best to make the other person happy but part of you is already moving to the next task,
This wasn't that. This was that moment in time, two people painting a love picture. How goofy does that sound and that makes all the difference.There is this smile you have that is different, a look that I have seen multiple times but it doesn't always come out.
That one makes me very happy because of how I think you feel. I love you baby, think I always have, even when I didn't know it.
