A Symphony Of Life

Dear June,

Someone once told me I was too tragic and it pissed me off. Made me so very angry because it felt unfair, inaccurate and I hated the idea that might be what I was presenting. But it also reminded me that I want to be liked and or loved for who I am.

It would be great if my life were nothing but sunshine and rainbows. It would be wonderful if I farted fairy dust and unicorns grew from my sneezes but that is not how it is. I am intense. I am a thinker and a dreamer.

If I feel something it is usually a deep feeling and that is just how it goes. If I love, I love deeply. When I laugh my body shakes. When I am angry I feel it everywhere. Maybe that is too much for some people. Maybe it is too hard. I have to look at it as  their loss or their problem because it is just who I am.

A simple man with simple pleasures who like everyone else in life has had lots of joy and a fair amount of sorrow. I am not exaggerating when I say that the recent past has been among the most challenging and difficult I can remember.

Some of it is because I have a very clear understanding of what I need and I don't have it. I am missing some fundamental pieces that are important and every time I try to get to them I feel like the fruit is pulled just outside of my reach.

It is hard because I feel like I am doing it all on my own and no one seems to recognize the whole fucking house is on fire but me. I may be good at dancing in the fire but it doesn't mean that it doesn't burn the fuck out of me. Doesn't mean that there aren't times where I don't want to just sit down and say fuck it.

Sometimes I get pissed off with myself because I hold myself accountable for much of this. My choices. My decisions.This is where I am.

But then again not all of it is my fault and the reality is I have everything I need to make the changes that have to be made to get to solid ground again. And I know how crazy some of the shit I say is, but I know what my heart tells me and I haven't any doubt in the veracity of its song.

If I were capable I'd write a symphony of life and one element would be this section where the music would be heart rendingly sad, leaving a torrent of tears and then the happy part would come again and the sad part would be just history.

It is kind of a simplistic idea, a section that serves as a river of tears in which all of the hard and tough crap would be touched upon and then washed away.

I have been a part of tragedies as a central character and have witnessed them, but I am not a tragic story. If all I did was wear the crap that monkeys fling at the zookeeper I would be tragic. But I don't, I won't and I am not.

You can't see the stars without darkness and you don't appreciate what you have until you have lost it.

That is not hyperbole, it is fact. And having been through my share of shit I know some of this more intimately than I would like too. It is part of why I know this fucked up moment in time will pass and that I will end up on the other side.

That is my only expectation, that one day I'll have the ship sailing through smoother seas again. It is not a question of if, but when and I bet I am closer than I realize. And if telling you that I want your legs wrapped around me makes me a bad man, well it is ok with me.

I just wish I could show you this look I have seen in your eyes many times now. It is the one where I know we are connected on the deepest level and time stands still. I think we have found it more than once when we weren't physically together but the moments we were stand out because they made it all indisputable.

Anyway, time doesn't stand still for anyone and I have to jump back on the hamster wheel. The only way to get to the other side is to work for it and that I can do. And there you have more depth in a post than I have shared in a while.

Take care of yourself. Sometimes it is good to be selfish, it is how we recharge our batteries to take care of others.