One More Letter Unlikely To Be Read

 Dear June,

I don't think you ever read Divorce In A Time Of Chaos or the post I wrote before that. Maybe you did. Maybe you have found ways to spy upon me and know I am not dead but probably haven't any clue about whether I am single now.

Doubt you know about my liver biopsy and am certain you don't know I am going to have surgery soon.

I have moved beyond being terribly hurt by you to being furious...I think. I am not really sure what I am any more.

Can't decide if you let go because you couldn't handle me or if you lied to me about your feelings. Can't decide why you did anything and didn't have the courtesy to talk to me.

Can't decide why you didn't have the decency to tell me what was going on or when you started fucking the asshole who looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and bounced off of multiple branches on the way down.

Pretty sure it was before my 55th birthday and that you kept me in the dark not because you were worried about hurting me but because I was your just in case guy.

I never claimed to be perfect but I didn't just love you, I fucking loved you with all I had. 

A year later I sit here at the keyboard pounding out thoughts, trying to figure out what I really feel or don't.

Therapist asked me what I would do if you knocked upon my door. He asks if I would open it. He asks if I would scream at you or pull you into my arms to try to fuck you silly.

He asks if I think I should write you a letter and what I would do if you ignored it or if you told me to go away.

I say I am not sure and that I could see any or all of it happening. I tell him if you told me there was never a chance for us in the future I wouldn't believe it but I don't have any expectation.

I tell him I don't know that I want it because I don't know if I can trust you. I tell him the great contradiction is I am certain I could put my life in your hands and that you could do the same with me.

I say we're fucking idiots and who knows what the future brings. I say I stopped waiting and moved on and I mean it.

but I say if I am wasn't blind and fucking stupid than everything we had was real and that I am not going to give the universe a chance to punch me in the mouth by proving me wrong.

I say I won't be surprised if we never talk or see each other again and that I won't be surprised if one day I wake up and see you on the other side of the bed.

I say I expect none of that to happen and that only an idiot would let the woman who carved his heart out with a butter knife come back. I also say the universe has proven me wrong many times.

I say I feel like I woke up from a coma and remember who I am. You made a big fucking mistake throwing me away because I protected your heart and your soul. I see the woman you are and the woman you could be.

We made each other  crazy sometimes more because of circumstances than anything else. But we also reminded each other what it means to give yourself fully to someone and love them madly.

That kind of passion is rare and while I won't lie and say that I don't hope your senior citizen boyfriend fucks up tying his Velcro shoes before walking down the stairs I do hope you are happy.

I really do, even if I want tell you what a bitch you were about all this. So unnecessary.

I may let this stay up forever or I may delete it. I may handwrite you a note or I may not. I make no plans and have no reason to expect you to read this any time soon...if ever.

The future is unwritten but I am doing my best to direct my ship. Took fucking forever to get here, but I am back on the top of my game mentally, emotionally if not physically but I am getting close there too.

So as I am man of great contradictions I can say I still love you. Am I in love with you? Probably not, but again I don't risk the wrath of the universe by saying anything

And if you take that stick out of your ass, the one that prevented you from having an adult conversation  maybe we will talk one day.

Maybe you'll end up in my arms and remember the man who loved you best or maybe we'll be strangers with memories.

Don't know, but now that I have ranted a bit and emptied some of the crap in my head maybe that will ease some things.

If fate wants us to cross paths again we will and if destiny thinks we ought to have more than just a passing moment than we might have that too.

And if none of that comes to be twenty years from now I'll come back and read about a woman who once was my air and heart.

However it plays out I know I have been blessed to know the kind of love we have shared because it is rare and not everyone gets that.

Better to have had my heart ripped out and to know than not at all.

The best part of waking from a coma is recognizing clarity and wisdom have been given to you, even if at great cost.

Take care of yourself and who knows, maybe fate will engage here again. Life is funny sometimes, never say never.

Divorce In a Time Of Chaos

They say there is no good time for a divorce but I have to tell you that doing it in the middle of a Constitutional Crisis is probably crazier than during so called normal times.

What Am I Doing

Dear June,

It is 91 days since you unfriended me on Facebook and longer since we had a real conversation. I haven't any idea if or when you'll read this or anything else here.

Maybe you'll be indifferent to my words or maybe you'll be sad you hurt me. Maybe you'll be angry or maybe you'll be all of those things.

I have tried to avoid writing here and elsewhere about you. It feels like you have worked hard to push me out of your life. It feels like you have worked hard to bring other men into it but I really don't know how true that is or isn't.

I don't know if you think of me often or with a smile. I don't know if you blame me for things or if you feel otherwise. I don't know so many things.

It is hard because I still love you and I still feel your presence. 

It is hard because I am furious with you. You have treated me so poorly. You didn't have the courtesy to tell me how you feel or don't feel about me. You got divorced and left me hanging.

Maybe you were afraid to really hurt me or maybe you were afraid of what could happen with us. Maybe you still love me too and didn't want to risk everything.

Maybe it is everything and maybe it is nothing.

It is no secret that even though I love you I wonder if I love the woman you were. It is no secret that I wonder if maybe you fear you love the man I was.

My gut says if our love is everything we thought it was, if we are soul mates whose lives are forever connected than we can get through all of this. My gut says if I am right that putting this all down as stream of consciousness is ok because we'll get a chance to talk and any misunderstandings that exist can be cleared up.

www.instagram.com/reel/DC3fnaixR5H/

Making Changes In My Life

I don't think you have read anything here in two years or so. Don't think you have any idea that I am in the process of making changes in my life. They aren't based upon you. What I am doing is based solely on myself and my needs with the expectation you are gone forever.

That way I know the choices I have made have been done so for the right reasons.

I started seeing a therapist not long after your most recent birthday. It broke my heart seeing you with another man and I decided I needed to do something about it.

Because I knew that even though I love you I can live without you. I knew that I could walk away and leave us as a memory and that feeling I felt was a sign I had spent too long treading water.

I go every week to my guy. I told him that I would do it five days a week because I was that committed. He didn't agree to it and I am ok with that.

I also told him that if he ever thinks I am trying to bullshit him to call me out. I am dedicated to investing in myself and to working hard to build a new future.

I cannot live the way I was living any longer.  I cannot be a fragment of the man I can be.

And like I said, I am not doing any of this for anyone but me. I am growing and evolving. Can't say exactly who I'll be when I am done but I have an image of that man in my head and I like him.

I stopped liking the other guy a while ago but hadn't really accepted or thought about it. But life woke me up and I realized I was finally in a place where I could take time for me.

Life Never Stops

Life never stops but I feel like I did. I know how and why. I understand it though I sometimes want to kick myself for it.

But most of the time I just let it be. Can't change the past but I can change the future.

You show up in my feed sometimes and I see memories or news about new cars and I smile. I hope that life is good for you. I hope you are happy and that angels watch over you.

As I wrote in the post before it still feels like we're going to get our time together. I still expect one day we'll tell each other that no one can take better care of the other than us..

I still expect it to be hard at times and that it will require some work but every relationship requires that. if you give me your hand and your heart I'll protect them and we'll walk through the fires together.

And if you don't, well therapy is working on letting go with a smile and accepting that some things have a life span.

Even we were magically married by December of 2025 there will come a day when our bodies give up on us and we'll say goodbye. I figure that if somehow we do get married we might discover there is an after life and our love will be eternal.

And if that is not true it won't matter because we'll be dead and we will have died knowing we had an incredible love story.

And if we don't ever find our way back than none of this matters anyway and it is just an exercise in releasing some strong feelings upon the page.

Bet you didn't run naked through the snow and bet you didn't expect me to finish this post with

Don’t look so sad
It’s not so bad you know
It’s just another night
That’s all it is.
It’s not the first
It’s not the worst you know
We’ve come through all the rest
We’ll get through this…