What Am I Doing

Dear June,

It is 91 days since you unfriended me on Facebook and longer since we had a real conversation. I haven't any idea if or when you'll read this or anything else here.

Maybe you'll be indifferent to my words or maybe you'll be sad you hurt me. Maybe you'll be angry or maybe you'll be all of those things.

I have tried to avoid writing here and elsewhere about you. It feels like you have worked hard to push me out of your life. It feels like you have worked hard to bring other men into it but I really don't know how true that is or isn't.

I don't know if you think of me often or with a smile. I don't know if you blame me for things or if you feel otherwise. I don't know so many things.

It is hard because I still love you and I still feel your presence. 

It is hard because I am furious with you. You have treated me so poorly. You didn't have the courtesy to tell me how you feel or don't feel about me. You got divorced and left me hanging.

Maybe you were afraid to really hurt me or maybe you were afraid of what could happen with us. Maybe you still love me too and didn't want to risk everything.

Maybe it is everything and maybe it is nothing.

It is no secret that even though I love you I wonder if I love the woman you were. It is no secret that I wonder if maybe you fear you love the man I was.

My gut says if our love is everything we thought it was, if we are soul mates whose lives are forever connected than we can get through all of this. My gut says if I am right that putting this all down as stream of consciousness is ok because we'll get a chance to talk and any misunderstandings that exist can be cleared up.

www.instagram.com/reel/DC3fnaixR5H/

Making Changes In My Life

I don't think you have read anything here in two years or so. Don't think you have any idea that I am in the process of making changes in my life. They aren't based upon you. What I am doing is based solely on myself and my needs with the expectation you are gone forever.

That way I know the choices I have made have been done so for the right reasons.

I started seeing a therapist not long after your most recent birthday. It broke my heart seeing you with another man and I decided I needed to do something about it.

Because I knew that even though I love you I can live without you. I knew that I could walk away and leave us as a memory and that feeling I felt was a sign I had spent too long treading water.

I go every week to my guy. I told him that I would do it five days a week because I was that committed. He didn't agree to it and I am ok with that.

I also told him that if he ever thinks I am trying to bullshit him to call me out. I am dedicated to investing in myself and to working hard to build a new future.

I cannot live the way I was living any longer.  I cannot be a fragment of the man I can be.

And like I said, I am not doing any of this for anyone but me. I am growing and evolving. Can't say exactly who I'll be when I am done but I have an image of that man in my head and I like him.

I stopped liking the other guy a while ago but hadn't really accepted or thought about it. But life woke me up and I realized I was finally in a place where I could take time for me.

Life Never Stops

Life never stops but I feel like I did. I know how and why. I understand it though I sometimes want to kick myself for it.

But most of the time I just let it be. Can't change the past but I can change the future.

You show up in my feed sometimes and I see memories or news about new cars and I smile. I hope that life is good for you. I hope you are happy and that angels watch over you.

As I wrote in the post before it still feels like we're going to get our time together. I still expect one day we'll tell each other that no one can take better care of the other than us..

I still expect it to be hard at times and that it will require some work but every relationship requires that. if you give me your hand and your heart I'll protect them and we'll walk through the fires together.

And if you don't, well therapy is working on letting go with a smile and accepting that some things have a life span.

Even we were magically married by December of 2025 there will come a day when our bodies give up on us and we'll say goodbye. I figure that if somehow we do get married we might discover there is an after life and our love will be eternal.

And if that is not true it won't matter because we'll be dead and we will have died knowing we had an incredible love story.

And if we don't ever find our way back than none of this matters anyway and it is just an exercise in releasing some strong feelings upon the page.

Bet you didn't run naked through the snow and bet you didn't expect me to finish this post with

Don’t look so sad
It’s not so bad you know
It’s just another night
That’s all it is.
It’s not the first
It’s not the worst you know
We’ve come through all the rest
We’ll get through this…