We're Going To Have Our Time

Dear June,

It is heading on three months since you unfriended me and longer still since we had a real conversation. I have probably written something about that here but I didn't go looking for it.

I think the post before this is one where I apologized but I didn't check that either. So I may repeat myself here and if I am correct it doesn't matter because I think we're going to have our time.

Can't tell you how or why based upon logic but I can tell the therapist has heard quite a bit about you and my thoughts.

Can tell I am a mix of sheer confidence and sheer terror because everything makes sense and nothing does.

I think about calling, emailing or writing you daily but I obviously haven't. Haven't because as much I love you I am pretty angry.

You didn't treat me well, you went out of your way to do everything on your terms and to deny me a chance to participate. If you read this you might be infuriated by it. You might call me all sorts of names and I am ok with that.

If we are who I think we are we're strong enough to take it and come out the other side. We haven't ever had the opportunity to be together like normal people and that makes a difference.

You haven't ever faced my wrath head on, heard me let loose with a blast from my lungs. But I don't think you'd fear it and you shouldn't because I would never hurt you.

Scream at you? Yeah I might but we operate outside of time and in our world.

And ultimately I don't worry about us screaming at each other because if we give ourselves the chance we won't feel the same frustration and fear.

We'll be S & J, best friends and lovers. We'll be a boy and a girl sharing the great love story of our time.

I am writing with naked honesty, fearless and forthright knowing you might not ever read this but you very well might.

I know you in ways no one else has and maybe no one ever will. You can say the same thing about me.

I still believe if you walked into my arms and closed your eyes we can turn into two hearts beating as one.

I am as scared of never knowing as I am of knowing. 

But if you haven't figured this part out--I will jump into the fire and burn for you. I will take the beating not because I have no self esteem but because I know what I see.

I know what I feel.

I have never stopped loving you and I don't think you really stopped loving me either.

I think it is still there and I can show you the texts you sent me that help inform me. 

We're going to have our time and I am going to stop aching like this. Will that lead to endless love for the rest of our days or just a moment in time?

Not entirely sure, though I lean towards forever but I can't say unless we try.

Unless we take each other by the hand and see what happens. Let me love you, let me take care of you, let me protect you and lets find out what this is.