Dear June,
I don't think you ever read Divorce In A Time Of Chaos or the post I wrote before that. Maybe you did. Maybe you have found ways to spy upon me and know I am not dead but probably haven't any clue about whether I am single now.
Doubt you know about my liver biopsy and am certain you don't know I am going to have surgery soon.
I have moved beyond being terribly hurt by you to being furious...I think. I am not really sure what I am any more.
Can't decide if you let go because you couldn't handle me or if you lied to me about your feelings. Can't decide why you did anything and didn't have the courtesy to talk to me.
Can't decide why you didn't have the decency to tell me what was going on or when you started fucking the asshole who looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and bounced off of multiple branches on the way down.
Pretty sure it was before my 55th birthday and that you kept me in the dark not because you were worried about hurting me but because I was your just in case guy.
I never claimed to be perfect but I didn't just love you, I fucking loved you with all I had.
A year later I sit here at the keyboard pounding out thoughts, trying to figure out what I really feel or don't.
Therapist asked me what I would do if you knocked upon my door. He asks if I would open it. He asks if I would scream at you or pull you into my arms to try to fuck you silly.
He asks if I think I should write you a letter and what I would do if you ignored it or if you told me to go away.
I say I am not sure and that I could see any or all of it happening. I tell him if you told me there was never a chance for us in the future I wouldn't believe it but I don't have any expectation.
I tell him I don't know that I want it because I don't know if I can trust you. I tell him the great contradiction is I am certain I could put my life in your hands and that you could do the same with me.
I say we're fucking idiots and who knows what the future brings. I say I stopped waiting and moved on and I mean it.
but I say if I am wasn't blind and fucking stupid than everything we had was real and that I am not going to give the universe a chance to punch me in the mouth by proving me wrong.
I say I won't be surprised if we never talk or see each other again and that I won't be surprised if one day I wake up and see you on the other side of the bed.
I say I expect none of that to happen and that only an idiot would let the woman who carved his heart out with a butter knife come back. I also say the universe has proven me wrong many times.
I say I feel like I woke up from a coma and remember who I am. You made a big fucking mistake throwing me away because I protected your heart and your soul. I see the woman you are and the woman you could be.
We made each other crazy sometimes more because of circumstances than anything else. But we also reminded each other what it means to give yourself fully to someone and love them madly.
That kind of passion is rare and while I won't lie and say that I don't hope your senior citizen boyfriend fucks up tying his Velcro shoes before walking down the stairs I do hope you are happy.
I really do, even if I want tell you what a bitch you were about all this. So unnecessary.
I may let this stay up forever or I may delete it. I may handwrite you a note or I may not. I make no plans and have no reason to expect you to read this any time soon...if ever.
The future is unwritten but I am doing my best to direct my ship. Took fucking forever to get here, but I am back on the top of my game mentally, emotionally if not physically but I am getting close there too.
So as I am man of great contradictions I can say I still love you. Am I in love with you? Probably not, but again I don't risk the wrath of the universe by saying anything
And if you take that stick out of your ass, the one that prevented you from having an adult conversation maybe we will talk one day.
Maybe you'll end up in my arms and remember the man who loved you best or maybe we'll be strangers with memories.
Don't know, but now that I have ranted a bit and emptied some of the crap in my head maybe that will ease some things.
If fate wants us to cross paths again we will and if destiny thinks we ought to have more than just a passing moment than we might have that too.
And if none of that comes to be twenty years from now I'll come back and read about a woman who once was my air and heart.
However it plays out I know I have been blessed to know the kind of love we have shared because it is rare and not everyone gets that.
Better to have had my heart ripped out and to know than not at all.
The best part of waking from a coma is recognizing clarity and wisdom have been given to you, even if at great cost.
Take care of yourself and who knows, maybe fate will engage here again. Life is funny sometimes, never say never.
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