It is not that long ago that you attacked me, called me a freak and said that we had been done for years. Not that long ago that you came at me with what felt like fists beating on my chest and told me to go away.
Not that long ago that you stomped on my heart and took advantage of my allowing myself to be open and vulnerable and squeezed and twisted what should only be handled with care.
In response I accused you of lying to me and to yourself. I threw your words in your face and said that you would be back and here you are....again.
If I trust my heart and the voice that speaks to me in silence I know exactly why you did and do this. If the voice are right then you haven't ever forgotten about the boy who asked a girl to love him and let him love her.
If the voice is right than two people who openly adored each other still do- even if they are lost in a place that doesn't let them express it openly.
But I don't completely trust the voice. I wonder if I am being played the fool and the anger comes. Just as you use anger to force yourself to push me away I use it too.
I think about all the hurt and it is easier to walk away from you. Easier to ignore that in the silence of the night I miss the woman I thought I would marry. I miss the woman who filled my heart with the sort of joy whose loss cannot just be ignored.
I am in hell now for a million different reasons. I am covered in gasoline and walking through flames because that is where I am. I won't always be in this place. I am too fucking stubborn to roll over and die. I see the lights of the shore and I keep heading towards it because I know that it will get better.
As I walk I wonder what I will find on the other side. I look at the chunks of hair that have fallen out and lines on my face and see evidence of the battles. I stare in the mirror and wonder if I will one day find myself in a place where I let my heart open itself for someone.
I wonder if anyone will see the tears that I refuse to let fall. I wonder about a million things and unbidden your face comes to me. I see and feel you and grit my teeth. And because I am a fool I tell you here that sometimes it feels to me like we are supposed to save each other.
Here in the last refuge of our secret world I wonder if maybe this is how it begins. That we use this place to help and heal. That we use the love that once overflowed here to begin to build a bridge back.
And then the fear of being made a fool comes and I say things to aggravate you. I still tell you more than you tell me, but actions speak the loudest and here you come.
So once more I will repeat that your coming here just makes me believe that you love me still and that you wish to climb onto my lap and lay your head on my shoulder. I am not alone dancing in the fire because you dance in it too.
Won't be long before we'll be in the same place again. Only question is whether we'll do anything about it or just pretend that nothing ever happened.
Will you be my Juneleh. Will I write about my Rosie in a secret diary. Or will this place be a secret garden in cyberspace that is attended and maintained solely by me.
I wonder.
