A New Year

Dear June,

Well baby another year has come and gone and I am back at the computer...again.

Got one hour left on the first day of this new year and I feel...funny. Not sure exactly how to describe that but I suppose if I was willing to try to tell anyone you would be the person I would bare my soul to.

It is not because one day I am going to find your legs wrapped around me and our eyes locked upon each other either because I can always feel you wrapped around me. You know my sex drive and I know if I told you there wasn't any sex wrapped up in that you'd call me on it so I''ll say of course there is.

Sex has always been a part of us but I see the root of that elsewhere. It is that spot that lies behind our eyes and our willingness to invite each other in there. I have told you a million times before that it is more than just sex to me, always had been and I am sure it always will be.

When you gave me the link to the pictures I looked at you and felt that old familiar urge down below and smiled. You just do it for me.

Anyway, I am sitting here by myself thinking about all that led to this point, not just the more than a decade now but the entire life I have known and how very different it is in so many ways. Today I am not focused upon how I am not the man I expected to be or how surprising so many things are to me because I have done that enough to know what I'll find when I go there.

Doesn't mean I won't do it again because the root of some of my writing is tied up in my ability to go back and look through the closets, ashes and dark corners but for now I don't feel any reason to do it.

Maybe it is because I have accepted that I stepped off of the cliff long ago and I have been doing my best to find my wings on the way down. Sometimes I think the reason I have been through so many storms is because I spent too much time fighting who I was supposed to be and not enough on who I want to be.

Doesn't really matter how or why I came to this place where I am now because I am here and now I am just trying to figure out what the next steps should be. Got a pretty good idea and am working on making those things come together.

That Skylar Grey song is one I have listened to a million times but I always think of it as being emblematic of me having heard this call inside my head in which I leave my old life behind and work towards moving towards the new one. "I am coming home" is how I think of it, it is where I am supposed to be.

There is a certain amount of fear in it because of all the career crap I have been through. A certain amount of my wondering what my role has been in how some of these things have gone down. Hard not to not wonder if it is has been dumb luck and bad timing that has shafted me at these companies. Hard not to wonder if maybe I could have taken a different path and had less of a roller coaster.

But it doesn't serve me at all to beat myself up about most, if not all of it. I didn't like 2014 much. It started out poorly and got worse but I got through it and now it is gone. I am busting my ass and doing all I can do to make 2015 better.

Tired of the anchors that keep dragging me down, doing my best to shake those suckers loose.

And there you have it, a longer post.