Still Angry, Still Struggling

I got about three hours of sleep last night and that is not helping my mood or making it easy to think as clearly as I want. Might even be part of why I have gotten progressively angrier throughout the day.

Not sure that I buy much of anything about the lawyer and his snooping around where he doesn't belong. Makes the hackles on my neck go up and wonder if he is the source of bad advice or current 'love interest.'

Been struggling with some stuff that has nothing to do with 'us' but I admit to feeling a little heartbroken that someone who had been through so much with me hasn't and isn't there to support me. Disappointing, disturbing and upsetting.

I hate feeling stupid. I hate feeling I am Charlie Brown and Lucy just pulled the ball out from under me again. It is uncomfortable but I learned a long fucking time ago to take a very hard look in the mirror and to accept that when you deal with people it doesn't always matter what you agreed to, things change.

It is why I moved on and focused elsewhere a long time ago. But the stuff I am trying to fight through now doesn't allow for that. There is no ignoring or pretending. It could be a temporary thing but it might not be.

Hell, I can say I love people, but be in love, well that is a different thing altogether. I am not even sure I can mention that here without it being misconstrued. And like I said, all of that is completely secondary to the other thing I am focused on. The one that is probably the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.

Relationships and shit come and go. Some last. Some die. Some come back. Some never recover. All of those are things I am ok with. The stuff from my early twenties is just good life experience. Learned a lot. But this other thing, this is a different sort of real and it is the kind of thing that haunts me. I won't write about it in detail here because it is not for consumption by multiple people, especially those who I don't know personally.

I am angry and I am frustrated because the things that are going on, the complications, well they hurt my heart and not in the way that you do. That one I manage just fine, this one is different. I'll figure it out and manage because it is what I do. Fuck, if I ever knew life would be so complicated and yet so fucking simple.

Damn, the older I get the fewer fucks I give about so many people and so many things. You can read or not read my shit, it is your choice and has always been. I am not out to offend but not going to censor myself either. Just going to write, it is the only way I can get better. And in this area, well I know I can get better. I know there are some books in me and I have to improve. Going to get published one day.

Love hard and live hard because one day it all ends and you might as well try to suck as much out of it as you can. It has been a pretty good run, never know what comes with the next sunset or sunrise. Just taking it day by day and doing the best I can hoping it is enough to make it to the next chapter.