I play around with texting or calling you and asking you out to just talk about life. There are moments when I miss you terribly and I can't help but believe you miss us too.
I don't ever question my ability to reach you via my online words because I know you will always appreciate my writing. I know if nothing else you'll be one of my biggest fans there.
But let's put all that aside and say I understand people change and that things change. I understand I could be off on lots of things and the fucking lunatic. But I also know you called me the love of your life and that you don't just say things.
So I am certain you love me, might not be in love but love me nonetheless. Hell, that won't ever change for me. I'll always love you, is it in love now? Hell if I know. I frankly keep that door mostly closed.
But I also know for me the fire could start pretty quickly and I suspect it could for you too. Maybe we'll find out and maybe we'll never know. You taught me more than a decade ago that I can't predict or control much. All I can do is walk my path and see where it leads.
So as much as I want to get the answer to whether kissing you will provide an immediate electric shock for both of us I will sit still and see how life unfolds.
*****
All that aside I know you understand what it is like to have a sick parent. Given the very bad situation I stare at now I wonder if I offered enough support when you were going through it with your dad. I hope you feel like I did because it is brutal.
So sometimes when I think of calling I think about prefacing it by saying I just want to talk about sick parents and how strange it is to see the strongest men we know deteriorate in ways we never believed possible.
It is probably why I have begun pushing myself harder to reclaim certain aspects of myself. I can't stomach the idea of being incapable of doing some things. I am so much less physically than I once was but that is a guy who had no responsibilities and spent two hours a day working out.
So I can give myself a break and say I don't have to be who I was at 20 but I can be close. I can put myself in a position where age won't take it all away. Or at least I think I can.
I can't say for certain without experiencing it, guess I can do my best and hope it is enough.
That is all we have got.
*****
Can't believe how big our kids have gotten and how close we are to entering the next phase. Funny to think about how that is going to happen regardless of any choices we make. Funny to see these babies become real people who make choices about what and who they want to be.
It has gone so very fast and it is not going to slow down. Been a hell of a ride and who the fuck knows where it is going to lead. I sure don't. Got some ideas but all they are ideas.
Time for me to get back to some things. Life has been really fucking good and really fucking hard. Good thing I am stubborn enough to not just give up and smart enough to understand I know nothing. That combination seems to work.
And now I have been far more open than I ever planned or expected to be in this post. Shit, I was surprised again. Ain't life a hoot.
-Johnny
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