Heartbreakingly Beautiful

I don't recall if I ever shared this song with you or if I have listened to it by myself. Came through on my iTunes right after this one

Call me delusional, stupid, loser..whatever. My shoulders are broad enough to take a lot. I prove that to myself every day- not that it matters.

I miss my best friend. I miss the girl who laughed at my jokes and the woman who supported me. I miss knowing that there never has been a better pairing or tighter team than you and I.

My heart has been torn from chest and pulled through my rib cage. I am not who I was and not quite sure who I am now. Some days I feel like an empty shell and I wonder if you miss me. Wonder if you shed any tears over all of this or just walked away without a second thought.

Most of the time I am quite confident that your visits here are proof positive that you once loved a boy who looked an awful lot like me. Most of the time I think that you cut off contact because it got to be too hard and you can't deal with it.

I understand that. There are moments where I think that I will never show my face here again and that this will finally dissolve into dust and memories of the king and queen who wandered through the forest.

But I never quite get to that point. Never quite get there because something draws me back and I can't quite figure that out. I have told you a million times before that no one has ever captured my heart like you did.

Maybe it is because I never saw you coming. Maybe it is because of a million other reasons- I don't know if it matters.

Sometimes I dream about you. Sometimes I dream about holding you in my arms again and what it would feel like to kiss you. Sometimes I dream about making love to you again and wonder if you aren't afraid of the pressure that I have created.

Sometimes I think that you are afraid that I have made you into something you're not and that you stay away because you fear the consequences.

All I can say about that is I see/saw you differently- perfect in your imperfections.

maybe I am feeling more sentimental because of all of the changes- not really sure nor do I care. At the moment I am just going with it.

Perhaps we'll never talk again. Perhaps we have used up all the magic that was given to us- but my heart says no. And I think that part of me is afraid that I will always love you and part of me loves that.

So my dearest June, I love you and hope that you are well. Take care of yourself and remember that your body is still my playground but what I love the most is your mind.

-Johnny

Lots of Changes

My grandfather died two weeks ago. It feels so very strange not to have grandparents any more. I have memories, boy do I have memories but the people who lived them with me are gone.

This is the sort of conversation that I sometimes miss having with you. These philosophical discussions about life. Even though you are short, illogical and unreasonable they were fun to have.

The soundtrack to Slumdog Millionaire is playing in the background. Sometimes I think of you and that movie. There is much more to say but I seem to be lacking the energy to say it. Curiosity my ass.

My Ears

June,

My ears were burning, don't know if that is because you were speaking/thinking/wondering about me or if that is because of a sunburn.

But I wanted to remind you that I am here. One of these days the president of The Earl Warren Fan Club may slip further away and you'll need someone to lean on.

I can do that. I can help. All you need to do is let me...help.

The Gates Of Hell

Well woman I am back here again and so are you. I can't decide who the bigger fool is...me or you. But then again maybe it doesn't matter.

Truthfully I don't really have time to worry about it. I have so much going on and so many things flying at me I am surprised that I remember my name.

Physically I am breaking down- I think that the stress is beginning to kick my ass. My body aches constantly. My hair is getting a bit thin and I do believe that a couple of gray hairs have found their way to my head.

Back and knees hurt- but I refuse to give in. I refuse to go quietly into the night.

Maybe it is because I feel like I like alone and apart. Maybe it is because I still feel you out there and I remember that my best fucking friend has chosen to walk away. Maybe it is because I don't believe silly female answers like "curiosity" as being the reason you show up here.

I know, I keep repeating myself. I yell at you and you come back anyway. Maybe it is because you don't believe me. Maybe you think I am pussy whipped or maybe you feel what I feel and don't know what to do about it.

Beats the fuck out of me. So for better or worse I keep spouting off here. But I knew that you would come today. Knew it the same way that I knew when you would call me. So what difference does it make.

If my heart is right then none of this makes a difference. And if my head is right then none of this makes a difference.

Don't ask me to explain because I won't. Maybe if you are ever lucky enough to be with me again I'll tell you- but I am too tired for that now.

You'll be back again and so will I. Got to go pack now and try to figure out where I am going to live.

The Garden

I keep looking for you in the secret garden of promises made and promises kept. I wander among verdant fields of green into a forest filled with the orange and yellow colors of the autumn that is yet to come.

Under the moonlit sky I stare up and remember what it was like to kiss you and hold you in my arms. I close my eyes and see you lying beneath me, soft eyes and an electric smile that only I got to see.

And I wonder what became of that smile and think about how I might find it again. I wander through life separated from the woman who taught me how to love again and I think about how unfair it is for two people to have met as we did.

I haven't any answers or explanations. Sometimes I retreat and move back into my cave to nurse my wounds. I disconnect from everything that goes on around me and try to focus my attention upon that which is immediately before me.

Inside the secret garden of promises made and promises kept I hear your voice and smell you. I talk about a boy who asks a girl to let him love her and in return be loved. Inside the secret garden of promises made and promises kept I see a beautiful woman who has so much to give and is more amazing than she gives herself credit for.

Inside the secret garden of promises made and promises kept I write these words and hope that when you read them you will do so with an open heart and the belief that maybe somehow we can find our way back to each other.

It sounds crazy, but inside the secret garden of promises made and promises kept it all feels possible. Here in the garden I have this feeling that when we reach ten years it will all come together.

And I wonder if we were alone if you would try to stop me from kissing you again or if you would let me drink deeply from your lips.

I never promised to do things the easy way but I did promise to keep trying, so my dearest Juneleh- I am looking for a way.

All I Ask of You

Dear June,

It is not that long ago that you attacked me, called me a freak and said that we had been done for years. Not that long ago that you came at me with what felt like fists beating on my chest and told me to go away.

Not that long ago that you stomped on my heart and took advantage of my allowing myself to be open and vulnerable and squeezed and twisted what should only be handled with care.

In response I accused you of lying to me and to yourself. I threw your words in your face and said that you would be back and here you are....again.

If I trust my heart and the voice that speaks to me in silence I know exactly why you did and do this. If the voice are right then you haven't ever forgotten about the boy who asked a girl to love him and let him love her.

If the voice is right than two people who openly adored each other still do- even if they are lost in a place that doesn't let them express it openly.

But I don't completely trust the voice. I wonder if I am being played the fool and the anger comes. Just as you use anger to force yourself to push me away I use it too.

I think about all the hurt and it is easier to walk away from you. Easier to ignore that in the silence of the night I miss the woman I thought I would marry. I miss the woman who filled my heart with the sort of joy whose loss cannot just be ignored.

I am in hell now for a million different reasons. I am covered in gasoline and walking through flames because that is where I am. I won't always be in this place. I am too fucking stubborn to roll over and die. I see the lights of the shore and I keep heading towards it because I know that it will get better.

As I walk I wonder what I will find on the other side. I look at the chunks of hair that have fallen out and lines on my face and see evidence of the battles. I stare in the mirror and wonder if I will one day find myself in a place where I let my heart open itself for someone.

I wonder if anyone will see the tears that I refuse to let fall. I wonder about a million things and unbidden your face comes to me. I see and feel you and grit my teeth. And because I am a fool I tell you here that sometimes it feels to me like we are supposed to save each other.

Here in the last refuge of our secret world I wonder if maybe this is how it begins. That we use this place to help and heal. That we use the love that once overflowed here to begin to build a bridge back.

And then the fear of being made a fool comes and I say things to aggravate you. I still tell you more than you tell me, but actions speak the loudest and here you come.

So once more I will repeat that your coming here just makes me believe that you love me still and that you wish to climb onto my lap and lay your head on my shoulder. I am not alone dancing in the fire because you dance in it too.

Won't be long before we'll be in the same place again. Only question is whether we'll do anything about it or just pretend that nothing ever happened.

Will you be my Juneleh. Will I write about my Rosie in a secret diary. Or will this place be a secret garden in cyberspace that is attended and maintained solely by me.

I wonder.

You Miss Me

Juneleh,

What is going on in your world that makes you miss me so much? Surely you wouldn't keep coming if you didn't. Are you going to require me to batter down the wall before you tell me or are you going to continue to play games.

Do you like being a tease or do you want to lay back in my arms and let me carry you for a while. Sometimes I think that estrogen is what causes people to go crazy.

Do You Dare To Believe?

It is 2am and I am about to go to bed. So my curious girl, do you dare to believe. In the silence of the night do you remember what it was like to open your heart and bare your soul. Do you remember when I was your air and you were mine and dream that maybe one day it could happen.

Or do you continue to lie and say that you come here out of curiosity. I tamed your heart once and I can tame it again. That is not arrogance, it is fact. Did I ever mention that I like pressing your buttons...all of them.

Got two hands for you or two arms...if you are lucky. And now I have to get some sleep. Life is...interesting now and only getting crazier. The future beckons and I must go meet it.

Hey You Big Dope

You want to sing this song to me. I know it and you know it. Keep fighting to stay away and you'll come back that much sooner. Hah. I know things and that is just the way it is.

Denial

It is a state and not a river. Curiosity my ass. If nothing mattered, if there were no interest or feelings you'd never visit here. It would be a ghost town devoid of population and composed solely of the echoes of two people who promised to love each other forever.

Circumstances might be awful and the situation might be bad but that doesn't change the ties that bind. I call bullshit. You can end up looking back on a life shared with notes about Rosie or leave people wondering about the 'red haired' boy you sometimes mention.

I know things.

Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me And My Monkey