Hi June,
Think I got 3 hours of sleep last night, if that and it wasn't consecutive. To say I feel like hell isn't an understatement. I am sure I look like it too. If you propositioned me today I might even say no.
I don't know if anything would work down there, the headache I have now makes it hard to focus upon anything. But it does occur to me that we are looking at at around 15 or 16 years of 'knowing' each other. That is a trip, hard to believe.
Hoping my head clears up, got to get on a plane. Pancreatic cancer is a bitch and we're not sure what sort of treatment might be possible, if any. Sucks, but what can you do but hope the old man fools the docs again.
He did it before, maybe it will happen again. I am not real hopeful, but hopeful nonetheless. And regardless heading out to spend time with him. I don't want to join this club of people missing a parent or both.
Guess I have no choice, sooner or later...
Hope I can sleep tonight and that this is like a 24 hour bug or something. So irritated and angry.
Visibility
Heart Ache and Heart Break
Dear Juneleh,
Not entirely sure why I called you Juneleh since we don't have much going on these days but it feels right. Hell if I know why it feels right but I try not to question some things.
Does it make a difference what I call you? Maybe yes, maybe no and I am too tired to engage in that sort of mental masturbation.
Got a little heart ache and a little heart break going on right now. Medical issues that are beyond my control and uncertainty that is making me a little crazy. Waiting to get some more details and information so that we can figure out what is going on.
Thing is that there is little reason to believe it is going to be good news in the sense that it is curable. At best it is probably treatable and those options are highly limited. That leads to much uncertainty and not knowing is in many ways harder than knowing, at least for me it is.
Some diseases aren't things we can beat today they are just monsters we can beat back for a while. I am not ready for some of this but I don't think we ever are ready. Maybe there are situations where we say the end is good because it provides relief and or because we don't see quality of life.
We are not there and I don't know if it will get there. I hope not.
But in some ways it doesn't matter.
The men in my family have long said life is terminal for all of us and it is not a question of if but when.
There was a conversation in which I heard an acceptance of possibilities and that was hard to hear but I get it. Doesn't mean that there will be no fight or push to change things, but I knew that tone of voice because I heard my grandfather say it too.
So it goes down the line and I suppose there will be a time when I voice it as well.
Still I know from experience not to bet against my line. We're hardy folks, strong willed and people who have experienced things that prove truth is stranger than fiction.
Time will tell the story and maybe I will too...or not.
As we get older I see and feel more changes. I am less tolerant of some things and more of others. More willing to go for broke on some stuff and less on others.
The great contradiction of life.
In the brief moments we have we have to reach out and try to grab the prizes we see and strive for those we can't.
I do both.
And now it is time to stop rambling and resume my place outside of this joint to wait and see what comes next.
I hate waiting.
Curious
Dear June,
One day you and I are going to have another conversation...in person.
I make no predictions here about what will happen but haven't any problem saying I have my ideas. Been wrong about many things and right about many others which probably sounds like I am straddling the fence.
Not really what I am looking to do or as much fun as being straddled, but such is life.
If I told you that I don't remember every enjoying kissing someone as much as I like kissing you and wanted to test it out to see if that is just memory or reality would you think of it as an excuse to get in your pants.
Or as I almost typed, paints. Would you think of it as an excuse to get in your paints and believe I am trying to give you the greatest painting ever painted. Maybe yes, maybe no. Life is a funny sort of thing.
Anyway, life is more than funny now, it is a riot filled with the greatest roller coaster moments a guy could ask. But I am finding ways to minimize those or at least roll with them.
BTW, had I gotten seriously hurt and found myself in desperate need of help I might have called you or I might not have. I am sure if I told you I was desperate you would lend a hand, but I can't guarantee I would actually call because you made it clear you wanted distance so I did my best to give it to you.
Can't help that sometimes those fucking bells go off and we hear things.
Yeah, I am crazy, so what. We are all a little bit nuts and that is ok. It is a question of whether you can control your own behavior and I do.
One day you and I are going to have another conversation...in person.
I make no predictions here about what will happen but haven't any problem saying I have my ideas. Been wrong about many things and right about many others which probably sounds like I am straddling the fence.
Not really what I am looking to do or as much fun as being straddled, but such is life.
If I told you that I don't remember every enjoying kissing someone as much as I like kissing you and wanted to test it out to see if that is just memory or reality would you think of it as an excuse to get in your pants.
Or as I almost typed, paints. Would you think of it as an excuse to get in your paints and believe I am trying to give you the greatest painting ever painted. Maybe yes, maybe no. Life is a funny sort of thing.
Anyway, life is more than funny now, it is a riot filled with the greatest roller coaster moments a guy could ask. But I am finding ways to minimize those or at least roll with them.
BTW, had I gotten seriously hurt and found myself in desperate need of help I might have called you or I might not have. I am sure if I told you I was desperate you would lend a hand, but I can't guarantee I would actually call because you made it clear you wanted distance so I did my best to give it to you.
Can't help that sometimes those fucking bells go off and we hear things.
Yeah, I am crazy, so what. We are all a little bit nuts and that is ok. It is a question of whether you can control your own behavior and I do.
The Silence
Hey there June, I see you came passing through this joint and though I think it's unlikely you'll be back soon I am here to update.
Mostly to mention it's odd to me that the last few times we have seen each other you have made a point to avoid acknowledging me. I haven't made an issue of it even though it is rude 'cuz I am intrigued by it.
Not sure why anymore than I can say why your silence doesn't matter because I feel like there is communication anyway. Maybe it is because I have seen you naked and know you in the biblical sense or maybe it has nothing to do with that at all.
That is not gratuitous mention of sex or anything else 'cuz that sort of intimacy with you has always been important and meaningful to me. I'd like to believe it has with you too.
But that dirtbag attorney poking his nose around here and any of his associates that do is a minor annoyance. Not really sure why dummy would come here or what purpose is served but whatever.
He'll probably choke on a chicken bone and die. Yeah, I am a nice guy. :)
Anyway the fiction here on these pages is what it is. One of these days we will have a real conversation. Don't know how or when, just that it fits.
Mostly to mention it's odd to me that the last few times we have seen each other you have made a point to avoid acknowledging me. I haven't made an issue of it even though it is rude 'cuz I am intrigued by it.
Not sure why anymore than I can say why your silence doesn't matter because I feel like there is communication anyway. Maybe it is because I have seen you naked and know you in the biblical sense or maybe it has nothing to do with that at all.
That is not gratuitous mention of sex or anything else 'cuz that sort of intimacy with you has always been important and meaningful to me. I'd like to believe it has with you too.
But that dirtbag attorney poking his nose around here and any of his associates that do is a minor annoyance. Not really sure why dummy would come here or what purpose is served but whatever.
He'll probably choke on a chicken bone and die. Yeah, I am a nice guy. :)
Anyway the fiction here on these pages is what it is. One of these days we will have a real conversation. Don't know how or when, just that it fits.
Another Year
Surprised me when I realized next months marks 10 years. Not the start of it all, but certainly a marker in time that reminds me of the profound impact and change that came along with it all.
I am not who I was then. Too much has happened and I can't ignore or forget it but I don't know I would if I could. Sometimes I am angered and disappointed by things and sometimes I am relaxed because if lightning can strike multiple times it can happen again.
I have no expectations just the awareness that some things happen no matter what we do or don't do. Perhaps there will be a discussion one day, perhaps not.
I am not who I was then. Too much has happened and I can't ignore or forget it but I don't know I would if I could. Sometimes I am angered and disappointed by things and sometimes I am relaxed because if lightning can strike multiple times it can happen again.
I have no expectations just the awareness that some things happen no matter what we do or don't do. Perhaps there will be a discussion one day, perhaps not.
Hunting
Opened this back up to do a little hunting. Time to see if the stalker returns and to send June copies of his IP so that she knows what kind of dope is hanging around.
Some idiots need a good boot to the head. Now we wait and see what sort of consequences come from the next steps.
Some idiots need a good boot to the head. Now we wait and see what sort of consequences come from the next steps.
Watch & Learn
Dear Juneleh,
If you are aware of the visitors here you may have given them a heads up about certain things and if you are not, well then you can probably read between the lines. I know you won't be surprised to hear/see me greet the wild hogs that have been sniffing around.
Sometimes you find the occasional boar pushing through the brush and remind yourself they can be nasty creatures who can do some damage. But pig eyes and brutish nature aren't synonymous with intelligent.
That is why they end up on a spit on a barbecue and we don't. Sometimes you learn a lot by watching and waiting to see if they keep sniffing around out of curiosity or because they think they have discovered things.
Nothing a boar buster can't handle.
What Are You Looking For
Hey June,
We have had some unwelcome visitors come by and I sort of wonder what they are looking for, but I don't really care.
Fuck 'em is my gut response 'cuz I am only writing here for you.
There is really not much other purpose other than emptying the closets of my mind and there are many.
And as I have said many times, the only reason for you to visit is because there is unfinished business.
A connection that just doesn't want to die because there is a magic there that has its own rhyme and reason. One I can't explain or fathom so I just do my best to accept it.
I can stay angry with almost anyone, but find it hard to do with you, even when you are bitchy.
My gut always gives me the same feeling and answer about you. It is the one that leads me to think you feel it too, even if you don't want to accept or admit it.
That is part of why I want to kiss and take you. Because what bothers us is that it feels right and if others can't deal, well...
Hell, in the name of science we ought to find out because you can't say yes or no without experimenting. Can't confirm or deny the validity of a hypothesis without a test. Maybe some itches shouldn't be scratched and maybe some should be.
We have had some unwelcome visitors come by and I sort of wonder what they are looking for, but I don't really care.
Fuck 'em is my gut response 'cuz I am only writing here for you.
There is really not much other purpose other than emptying the closets of my mind and there are many.
And as I have said many times, the only reason for you to visit is because there is unfinished business.
A connection that just doesn't want to die because there is a magic there that has its own rhyme and reason. One I can't explain or fathom so I just do my best to accept it.
I can stay angry with almost anyone, but find it hard to do with you, even when you are bitchy.
My gut always gives me the same feeling and answer about you. It is the one that leads me to think you feel it too, even if you don't want to accept or admit it.
That is part of why I want to kiss and take you. Because what bothers us is that it feels right and if others can't deal, well...
Hell, in the name of science we ought to find out because you can't say yes or no without experimenting. Can't confirm or deny the validity of a hypothesis without a test. Maybe some itches shouldn't be scratched and maybe some should be.
The Answer Is Probably
Dear June,
I know you are wondering whether I would say yes or not to sleeping with you. The answer is that if you ask me nicely I would say...maybe.
:)
Might say no and make you ask twice. Yeah, I know you don't believe I would say no, well I wouldn't say no to something else but I won't say what that is.
Not that it matters since you seem unwilling to spend time with me...now.
Never know what tomorrow will bring, you're proof of that. Never thought you'd be in my life or a part of it in any way and look at this.
Not quite 20 years, but hell not that far off either, Whoa.
I know you are wondering whether I would say yes or not to sleeping with you. The answer is that if you ask me nicely I would say...maybe.
:)
Might say no and make you ask twice. Yeah, I know you don't believe I would say no, well I wouldn't say no to something else but I won't say what that is.
Not that it matters since you seem unwilling to spend time with me...now.
Never know what tomorrow will bring, you're proof of that. Never thought you'd be in my life or a part of it in any way and look at this.
Not quite 20 years, but hell not that far off either, Whoa.
Somewhere In Time
Dear June,
I could tell you quite a long story about all of the changes that occurred between when I left and came back. Some of them were...horrible and hard.
But not all.
Good things happened too and that is primarily what I focus upon. Doesn't serve to look back and focus on all that happened, good or bad.
It is ok to glance back and see the connections between things so that you can determine if you are on the right path but it shouldn't be where you get lost. Lately I have spent a bit more time there because I have needed to remind myself that I have overcome many challenges and that the current ones are just a moment.
But it doesn't change their existence or that it feels like I have been beaten to my knees a few times.
I pulled off some pretty big wins and major successes not too long ago and now I am stuck in a very odd place. Somewhere between a bigger win and potentially a big fall.
I am nervous and a bit frightened because this feels tenuous and it could be very painful. Not afraid of pain, but I have had quite a bit for a while now and I need to get stuff focused and settled so that it is more manageable.
I think it is going to happen. I think I am going to pull it off. Worked my ass off to set some things up and all I need is for a few pieces. to fall into place, but I can't do more than I have done.
Can't control anything, can only manage.
Sucks to feel helpless in some areas. I am just pushing ahead and doing my best because there are no other options.
Root for me woman, because one way or another I am going to get there but it would be nice not to have to do it all the hard way.
And that is all I have to say about that.
Maybe I'll see you somewhere in time.
I could tell you quite a long story about all of the changes that occurred between when I left and came back. Some of them were...horrible and hard.
But not all.
Good things happened too and that is primarily what I focus upon. Doesn't serve to look back and focus on all that happened, good or bad.
It is ok to glance back and see the connections between things so that you can determine if you are on the right path but it shouldn't be where you get lost. Lately I have spent a bit more time there because I have needed to remind myself that I have overcome many challenges and that the current ones are just a moment.
But it doesn't change their existence or that it feels like I have been beaten to my knees a few times.
I pulled off some pretty big wins and major successes not too long ago and now I am stuck in a very odd place. Somewhere between a bigger win and potentially a big fall.
I am nervous and a bit frightened because this feels tenuous and it could be very painful. Not afraid of pain, but I have had quite a bit for a while now and I need to get stuff focused and settled so that it is more manageable.
I think it is going to happen. I think I am going to pull it off. Worked my ass off to set some things up and all I need is for a few pieces. to fall into place, but I can't do more than I have done.
Can't control anything, can only manage.
Sucks to feel helpless in some areas. I am just pushing ahead and doing my best because there are no other options.
Root for me woman, because one way or another I am going to get there but it would be nice not to have to do it all the hard way.
And that is all I have to say about that.
Maybe I'll see you somewhere in time.
