Left Out But Not Forgotten

Dear Juneleh,

I have been thinking about family events, both past and present and it is sort of bittersweet because it is hard not to think about what could have been.

Most of the time I am good about not getting lost in those thoughts. Most of the time I don't think about the kids we might have had together and the family moments that didn't happen but sometimes I kind of enjoy thinking about it.

Not for the purpose of being sad or trying to make myself feel that way either but because I figured out long ago that you and I had something different, special, meaningful and magnificent. I knew it in my heart and then I got to see much of played out and proven in real life.

I remember a moment last December when you told me you felt left out and I felt badly because I understood it and I knew there was a chance I might feel the same way. I have and I do, a bit. Don't misunderstand what I am saying, I am not trying to rain on the parade.

You should be proud and you should have nothing but joy from this time. I would be sad if you didn't. But I think one of the strengths of whatever this thing is between us is the roots of honesty. Our ability to speak our minds and say what we think.

Sometimes it doesn't come out precisely the way we want. Sometimes it is awkward and uncomfortable but what I noticed long ago is that we always move past it. My guess is you would agree with me that we have the chemistry to spend endless amounts of time together and not get irritated the way we might/do with others.

To reiterate what I have said many times before, I love you and can't remember any more when I didn't.

I don't worry about our future though I really do believe there is one I know sometimes life can fool us. But I go with the default setting here and listen to my heart which says to just do what is required until the opportunity to look at a change comes.

And that also means that even if I can't celebrate the moments with you in the way I might like it doesn't mean I can't celebrate them or be happy for you. I hope you know that and god willing one day soon I'll show you.