Hey June,
We have had some unwelcome visitors come by and I sort of wonder what they are looking for, but I don't really care.
Fuck 'em is my gut response 'cuz I am only writing here for you.
There is really not much other purpose other than emptying the closets of my mind and there are many.
And as I have said many times, the only reason for you to visit is because there is unfinished business.
A connection that just doesn't want to die because there is a magic there that has its own rhyme and reason. One I can't explain or fathom so I just do my best to accept it.
I can stay angry with almost anyone, but find it hard to do with you, even when you are bitchy.
My gut always gives me the same feeling and answer about you. It is the one that leads me to think you feel it too, even if you don't want to accept or admit it.
That is part of why I want to kiss and take you. Because what bothers us is that it feels right and if others can't deal, well...
Hell, in the name of science we ought to find out because you can't say yes or no without experimenting. Can't confirm or deny the validity of a hypothesis without a test. Maybe some itches shouldn't be scratched and maybe some should be.
Visibility
The Answer Is Probably
Dear June,
I know you are wondering whether I would say yes or not to sleeping with you. The answer is that if you ask me nicely I would say...maybe.
:)
Might say no and make you ask twice. Yeah, I know you don't believe I would say no, well I wouldn't say no to something else but I won't say what that is.
Not that it matters since you seem unwilling to spend time with me...now.
Never know what tomorrow will bring, you're proof of that. Never thought you'd be in my life or a part of it in any way and look at this.
Not quite 20 years, but hell not that far off either, Whoa.
I know you are wondering whether I would say yes or not to sleeping with you. The answer is that if you ask me nicely I would say...maybe.
:)
Might say no and make you ask twice. Yeah, I know you don't believe I would say no, well I wouldn't say no to something else but I won't say what that is.
Not that it matters since you seem unwilling to spend time with me...now.
Never know what tomorrow will bring, you're proof of that. Never thought you'd be in my life or a part of it in any way and look at this.
Not quite 20 years, but hell not that far off either, Whoa.
Somewhere In Time
Dear June,
I could tell you quite a long story about all of the changes that occurred between when I left and came back. Some of them were...horrible and hard.
But not all.
Good things happened too and that is primarily what I focus upon. Doesn't serve to look back and focus on all that happened, good or bad.
It is ok to glance back and see the connections between things so that you can determine if you are on the right path but it shouldn't be where you get lost. Lately I have spent a bit more time there because I have needed to remind myself that I have overcome many challenges and that the current ones are just a moment.
But it doesn't change their existence or that it feels like I have been beaten to my knees a few times.
I pulled off some pretty big wins and major successes not too long ago and now I am stuck in a very odd place. Somewhere between a bigger win and potentially a big fall.
I am nervous and a bit frightened because this feels tenuous and it could be very painful. Not afraid of pain, but I have had quite a bit for a while now and I need to get stuff focused and settled so that it is more manageable.
I think it is going to happen. I think I am going to pull it off. Worked my ass off to set some things up and all I need is for a few pieces. to fall into place, but I can't do more than I have done.
Can't control anything, can only manage.
Sucks to feel helpless in some areas. I am just pushing ahead and doing my best because there are no other options.
Root for me woman, because one way or another I am going to get there but it would be nice not to have to do it all the hard way.
And that is all I have to say about that.
Maybe I'll see you somewhere in time.
I could tell you quite a long story about all of the changes that occurred between when I left and came back. Some of them were...horrible and hard.
But not all.
Good things happened too and that is primarily what I focus upon. Doesn't serve to look back and focus on all that happened, good or bad.
It is ok to glance back and see the connections between things so that you can determine if you are on the right path but it shouldn't be where you get lost. Lately I have spent a bit more time there because I have needed to remind myself that I have overcome many challenges and that the current ones are just a moment.
But it doesn't change their existence or that it feels like I have been beaten to my knees a few times.
I pulled off some pretty big wins and major successes not too long ago and now I am stuck in a very odd place. Somewhere between a bigger win and potentially a big fall.
I am nervous and a bit frightened because this feels tenuous and it could be very painful. Not afraid of pain, but I have had quite a bit for a while now and I need to get stuff focused and settled so that it is more manageable.
I think it is going to happen. I think I am going to pull it off. Worked my ass off to set some things up and all I need is for a few pieces. to fall into place, but I can't do more than I have done.
Can't control anything, can only manage.
Sucks to feel helpless in some areas. I am just pushing ahead and doing my best because there are no other options.
Root for me woman, because one way or another I am going to get there but it would be nice not to have to do it all the hard way.
And that is all I have to say about that.
Maybe I'll see you somewhere in time.
Different Kinds Of Conversations
Hey June,
Had a dream that you insisted we sleep together because you wanted to prove a point. Thought it was kind of funny because I could totally see you doing that. If I suggested it, well you might call me crazy but if you came up with the idea it made perfect sense.
Suppose that begs the question of whether I would sleep with you.
Maybe...
Had a dream that you insisted we sleep together because you wanted to prove a point. Thought it was kind of funny because I could totally see you doing that. If I suggested it, well you might call me crazy but if you came up with the idea it made perfect sense.
Suppose that begs the question of whether I would sleep with you.
Maybe...
Another Post
Hi June,
Been to hell and back and then back to hell. Can't figure out which way is up and which way is down.
I am surprised to see myself standing, let alone walking. Not exaggerating, situation is uncomfortable and I am at a loss to see how to get out of it.
Yet there are these moments where I am convinced I will and that everything will eventually work out. I think that is as likely as asking you to give me head. It is not unprecedented or impossible but given everything it is unlikely.
Hell, I am not even sure I could get it up if I wanted to, but that is something I distract myself with. Maybe you are right, maybe I am sick. But then again, maybe I am not. I'd almost like to believe it because it would make things easier.
Because I could look at things and say that I am confused because my head is broken, but I don't really think that is the case. I think it is just a convoluted and confusing moment. When I stop trying to punch my way out of a paper bag it might get easier.
The funny thing about this is I can see it getting worse and I can see it getting better. Hell I can see all sorts of thing and believe there is a damn good chance they'd happen but who knows.
P.S. You look really fucking good. Better thank someone for good genes cuz you got them.
Been to hell and back and then back to hell. Can't figure out which way is up and which way is down.
I am surprised to see myself standing, let alone walking. Not exaggerating, situation is uncomfortable and I am at a loss to see how to get out of it.
Yet there are these moments where I am convinced I will and that everything will eventually work out. I think that is as likely as asking you to give me head. It is not unprecedented or impossible but given everything it is unlikely.
Hell, I am not even sure I could get it up if I wanted to, but that is something I distract myself with. Maybe you are right, maybe I am sick. But then again, maybe I am not. I'd almost like to believe it because it would make things easier.
Because I could look at things and say that I am confused because my head is broken, but I don't really think that is the case. I think it is just a convoluted and confusing moment. When I stop trying to punch my way out of a paper bag it might get easier.
The funny thing about this is I can see it getting worse and I can see it getting better. Hell I can see all sorts of thing and believe there is a damn good chance they'd happen but who knows.
P.S. You look really fucking good. Better thank someone for good genes cuz you got them.
Hug
Dear June,
Been a long time since we shared a hug. Thought about it once or twice and wondered if maybe you might enjoy getting lost in my arms. Or maybe it is me wanting to get lost in yours. Maybe it is because it has been a long and hard road.
Maybe it is just that or maybe it is because I have memories that lead to questions and a gut feeling about some things.
Could be the last time I saw you I was surprised by how good you smelled. Smell is a powerful sense, it triggers memories, drives ideas and emotions.
If I haven't proved I am pretty good at being standoffish when I want to be it is only because you take that sixth sense that hasn't completely faded and read between the lines. Ah, so much I want to say and maybe one day I will.
For now I'll say I need a hug, the kind where you can just let go and let shit out. Been a little rough and sometimes I feel the weight. If I get said hug or not I'll manage cuz it is what I do, but I am not going to lie, the idea sounds so...good.
Can't write more, just can't let more out. Want to, but not today.
Been a long time since we shared a hug. Thought about it once or twice and wondered if maybe you might enjoy getting lost in my arms. Or maybe it is me wanting to get lost in yours. Maybe it is because it has been a long and hard road.
Maybe it is just that or maybe it is because I have memories that lead to questions and a gut feeling about some things.
Could be the last time I saw you I was surprised by how good you smelled. Smell is a powerful sense, it triggers memories, drives ideas and emotions.
If I haven't proved I am pretty good at being standoffish when I want to be it is only because you take that sixth sense that hasn't completely faded and read between the lines. Ah, so much I want to say and maybe one day I will.
For now I'll say I need a hug, the kind where you can just let go and let shit out. Been a little rough and sometimes I feel the weight. If I get said hug or not I'll manage cuz it is what I do, but I am not going to lie, the idea sounds so...good.
Can't write more, just can't let more out. Want to, but not today.
Words From A Dream
You showed up in a dream and smiled when I called you my sweet girl.
Took your hand in mine and we stared at each other, sharing the kind of moment words can't properly describe. I nodded my head and walked away knowing I was going to have to go through some challenges to get back to you and there were no guarantees it would ever happen.
Looked back once and saw you smiling at me and felt like I had your support and jumped out of the plane, no parachute in hand or on my back with no idea how I'd learn to fly. Did it because I trusted your faith and trusted my ability to sort it out.
Talked later about getting your help sorting out the mess I found. Laughed when you said you were going to be in charge of decorating and said you could take lead if and when the time came. Knew there were no guarantees of that but that heartbreak would visit.
Figured some things work themselves out and some people work each other out. Wondered more than once who was crazier and concluded it didn't matter. Felt crazed and confused and choked on some of the really hard times.
Thought about kissing you and wondered if you ever dreamed about it the way I sometimes did. Remembered feeling you melting into me and decided you must have, but tried not to focus on whether you still did and pretended not to or didn't and didn't want to.
Saw the future in a different dream and woke up feeling like I knew what would happen. Felt so happy and confident and as awareness took hold the dream faded and I couldn't remember what it was I knew.
Couldn't say if the paths diverged and crossed again or just diverged with no intersection. Tried hard to remember so that I could act accordingly and just couldn't. Realized that I was going to just have to move ahead and learn in time what would be.
Saw your face smiling at me and heard the echo of your words. Tried to decide whether to be hard and distant or warm and inviting. Scrambled eggs and scrambled head...no difference between the two, both looked one way at the start and a different way at the end.
Thought again about asking you to take my hand and to let me kiss you so science could help guide the way. Didn't do it, didn't write it or say it. Felt the empty and ache inside and said I would take what came and do as would be done.
The rivers run and still waters run deep. Maybe I have shared my mind or just parts and pieces. Maybe I have seen yours as you have looked outwards or maybe I have been lost, confused and blind.
None can say without more concrete support and none can say if there will ever be any more than thought and ideas. Some claim actions or a lack thereof prove things but I doubt and disbelieve that.
Sometimes you do and sometimes you don't and there is no timeline that dictates the truth of a heartbeat, shared or alone.
Maybe it is nothing more than fodder for writing and ideas for stories about things that might have been or could be. Ideas for stories is a sacred gift unto itself. Invaluable and amazing. None can do more than guess at that which lies in the depths of the mind which is why sometimes you have to write the story you see because otherwise it is lost and some things must be shared.
And with that he thought about other things and left them unsaid and unshared uncertain if they would ever be more than fragments of an idea. Not much different from the red rose you whose petals remain closed and unopened.
You can guess at the beauty that might exist if it were open but you won't ever know for certain unless you see it.
Took your hand in mine and we stared at each other, sharing the kind of moment words can't properly describe. I nodded my head and walked away knowing I was going to have to go through some challenges to get back to you and there were no guarantees it would ever happen.
Looked back once and saw you smiling at me and felt like I had your support and jumped out of the plane, no parachute in hand or on my back with no idea how I'd learn to fly. Did it because I trusted your faith and trusted my ability to sort it out.
Talked later about getting your help sorting out the mess I found. Laughed when you said you were going to be in charge of decorating and said you could take lead if and when the time came. Knew there were no guarantees of that but that heartbreak would visit.
Figured some things work themselves out and some people work each other out. Wondered more than once who was crazier and concluded it didn't matter. Felt crazed and confused and choked on some of the really hard times.
Thought about kissing you and wondered if you ever dreamed about it the way I sometimes did. Remembered feeling you melting into me and decided you must have, but tried not to focus on whether you still did and pretended not to or didn't and didn't want to.
Saw the future in a different dream and woke up feeling like I knew what would happen. Felt so happy and confident and as awareness took hold the dream faded and I couldn't remember what it was I knew.
Couldn't say if the paths diverged and crossed again or just diverged with no intersection. Tried hard to remember so that I could act accordingly and just couldn't. Realized that I was going to just have to move ahead and learn in time what would be.
Saw your face smiling at me and heard the echo of your words. Tried to decide whether to be hard and distant or warm and inviting. Scrambled eggs and scrambled head...no difference between the two, both looked one way at the start and a different way at the end.
Thought again about asking you to take my hand and to let me kiss you so science could help guide the way. Didn't do it, didn't write it or say it. Felt the empty and ache inside and said I would take what came and do as would be done.
The rivers run and still waters run deep. Maybe I have shared my mind or just parts and pieces. Maybe I have seen yours as you have looked outwards or maybe I have been lost, confused and blind.
None can say without more concrete support and none can say if there will ever be any more than thought and ideas. Some claim actions or a lack thereof prove things but I doubt and disbelieve that.
Sometimes you do and sometimes you don't and there is no timeline that dictates the truth of a heartbeat, shared or alone.
Maybe it is nothing more than fodder for writing and ideas for stories about things that might have been or could be. Ideas for stories is a sacred gift unto itself. Invaluable and amazing. None can do more than guess at that which lies in the depths of the mind which is why sometimes you have to write the story you see because otherwise it is lost and some things must be shared.
And with that he thought about other things and left them unsaid and unshared uncertain if they would ever be more than fragments of an idea. Not much different from the red rose you whose petals remain closed and unopened.
You can guess at the beauty that might exist if it were open but you won't ever know for certain unless you see it.
Perhaps I Shall Confess
Perhaps I shall confess to having felt a bit left out of recent events and though I understand why I have to admit I kind of wanted to be there.
And maybe I saw a picture or two that made me think of friendly thoughts that might have been deemed as the kind of things you share if you have a friend with benefits or something more.
Curiosity is a funny thing and though I could be more explicit about the who, how and what all I will say for now is we have talked about these things and that I know there have been times when the talk would have led to action.
More than a decade and sometimes the butterflies show up and surprise me in the most pleasant way.
And maybe I saw a picture or two that made me think of friendly thoughts that might have been deemed as the kind of things you share if you have a friend with benefits or something more.
Curiosity is a funny thing and though I could be more explicit about the who, how and what all I will say for now is we have talked about these things and that I know there have been times when the talk would have led to action.
More than a decade and sometimes the butterflies show up and surprise me in the most pleasant way.
Island Time
Someone asked me if I was trapped on a desert island who I'd want with me. I gave the standard answer and said the professor, Skipper and Mary Ann but they didn't accept it.
They said I had to name a real person so I said I have a real person in mind and then I refused to share the name. It was you I was thinking of. I don't know that I have the patience/tolerance to deal with being with most people for days upon days, but I am confident we wouldn't get sick of each other.
When we choose to communicate we do it well.
Life is particularly crazy and interesting. Most of it is good, but there is some scary stuff that is wearing me down a bit. Sometimes I have to really push myself to keep moving, but most of the time I walk forwards because lying down won't change anything.
One of these days you and I will have to have a real conversation. Got no idea when, but someday.
They said I had to name a real person so I said I have a real person in mind and then I refused to share the name. It was you I was thinking of. I don't know that I have the patience/tolerance to deal with being with most people for days upon days, but I am confident we wouldn't get sick of each other.
When we choose to communicate we do it well.
Life is particularly crazy and interesting. Most of it is good, but there is some scary stuff that is wearing me down a bit. Sometimes I have to really push myself to keep moving, but most of the time I walk forwards because lying down won't change anything.
One of these days you and I will have to have a real conversation. Got no idea when, but someday.
Poetry
Sometimes I wonder if I have got the chops to write the kind of poetry that people will remember. Or if I am capable of writing the kind of story and or play that will move people.
When I close my eyes and look inward the answer is always yes. The ordinary and the extraordinary are there and all I have to do is reach for them.
A bed of roses and the smell of home, I see it all and so much more. But the timeline is obscured by mist and the way forward is foggy.
Can't do more than hope to find and follow the path of a shooting star and maybe one day find my way home. Sailors sail and writers write and the words and seas share the contradictions of safety and storm.
I don't search for meaning or try to read more than that which lies upon the surface. Analysis leads to chaos so acceptance is the beneficiary.
Castle walls rise and are illuminated by rays of moonlight. The mix of dark and light provide the contradiction of endings and openings. So we ignore the serious and seek the silly with no expectations other than the opportunity to explore the forbidden and forgotten.
There is magic...always but none can say if they are its master or its servant and it really matters not.
When I close my eyes and look inward the answer is always yes. The ordinary and the extraordinary are there and all I have to do is reach for them.
A bed of roses and the smell of home, I see it all and so much more. But the timeline is obscured by mist and the way forward is foggy.
Can't do more than hope to find and follow the path of a shooting star and maybe one day find my way home. Sailors sail and writers write and the words and seas share the contradictions of safety and storm.
I don't search for meaning or try to read more than that which lies upon the surface. Analysis leads to chaos so acceptance is the beneficiary.
Castle walls rise and are illuminated by rays of moonlight. The mix of dark and light provide the contradiction of endings and openings. So we ignore the serious and seek the silly with no expectations other than the opportunity to explore the forbidden and forgotten.
There is magic...always but none can say if they are its master or its servant and it really matters not.
And So It Goes
What a crazy time. Just when I think I have things going one way off they go another. What a wacky world. If I had my way I'd be on a beach somewhere enjoying vacation the way a vacation ought to be enjoyed. Argh.
