Hey there June, I see you came passing through this joint and though I think it's unlikely you'll be back soon I am here to update.
Mostly to mention it's odd to me that the last few times we have seen each other you have made a point to avoid acknowledging me. I haven't made an issue of it even though it is rude 'cuz I am intrigued by it.
Not sure why anymore than I can say why your silence doesn't matter because I feel like there is communication anyway. Maybe it is because I have seen you naked and know you in the biblical sense or maybe it has nothing to do with that at all.
That is not gratuitous mention of sex or anything else 'cuz that sort of intimacy with you has always been important and meaningful to me. I'd like to believe it has with you too.
But that dirtbag attorney poking his nose around here and any of his associates that do is a minor annoyance. Not really sure why dummy would come here or what purpose is served but whatever.
He'll probably choke on a chicken bone and die. Yeah, I am a nice guy. :)
Anyway the fiction here on these pages is what it is. One of these days we will have a real conversation. Don't know how or when, just that it fits.
Visibility
Another Year
Surprised me when I realized next months marks 10 years. Not the start of it all, but certainly a marker in time that reminds me of the profound impact and change that came along with it all.
I am not who I was then. Too much has happened and I can't ignore or forget it but I don't know I would if I could. Sometimes I am angered and disappointed by things and sometimes I am relaxed because if lightning can strike multiple times it can happen again.
I have no expectations just the awareness that some things happen no matter what we do or don't do. Perhaps there will be a discussion one day, perhaps not.
I am not who I was then. Too much has happened and I can't ignore or forget it but I don't know I would if I could. Sometimes I am angered and disappointed by things and sometimes I am relaxed because if lightning can strike multiple times it can happen again.
I have no expectations just the awareness that some things happen no matter what we do or don't do. Perhaps there will be a discussion one day, perhaps not.
Hunting
Opened this back up to do a little hunting. Time to see if the stalker returns and to send June copies of his IP so that she knows what kind of dope is hanging around.
Some idiots need a good boot to the head. Now we wait and see what sort of consequences come from the next steps.
Some idiots need a good boot to the head. Now we wait and see what sort of consequences come from the next steps.
Watch & Learn
Dear Juneleh,
If you are aware of the visitors here you may have given them a heads up about certain things and if you are not, well then you can probably read between the lines. I know you won't be surprised to hear/see me greet the wild hogs that have been sniffing around.
Sometimes you find the occasional boar pushing through the brush and remind yourself they can be nasty creatures who can do some damage. But pig eyes and brutish nature aren't synonymous with intelligent.
That is why they end up on a spit on a barbecue and we don't. Sometimes you learn a lot by watching and waiting to see if they keep sniffing around out of curiosity or because they think they have discovered things.
Nothing a boar buster can't handle.
What Are You Looking For
Hey June,
We have had some unwelcome visitors come by and I sort of wonder what they are looking for, but I don't really care.
Fuck 'em is my gut response 'cuz I am only writing here for you.
There is really not much other purpose other than emptying the closets of my mind and there are many.
And as I have said many times, the only reason for you to visit is because there is unfinished business.
A connection that just doesn't want to die because there is a magic there that has its own rhyme and reason. One I can't explain or fathom so I just do my best to accept it.
I can stay angry with almost anyone, but find it hard to do with you, even when you are bitchy.
My gut always gives me the same feeling and answer about you. It is the one that leads me to think you feel it too, even if you don't want to accept or admit it.
That is part of why I want to kiss and take you. Because what bothers us is that it feels right and if others can't deal, well...
Hell, in the name of science we ought to find out because you can't say yes or no without experimenting. Can't confirm or deny the validity of a hypothesis without a test. Maybe some itches shouldn't be scratched and maybe some should be.
We have had some unwelcome visitors come by and I sort of wonder what they are looking for, but I don't really care.
Fuck 'em is my gut response 'cuz I am only writing here for you.
There is really not much other purpose other than emptying the closets of my mind and there are many.
And as I have said many times, the only reason for you to visit is because there is unfinished business.
A connection that just doesn't want to die because there is a magic there that has its own rhyme and reason. One I can't explain or fathom so I just do my best to accept it.
I can stay angry with almost anyone, but find it hard to do with you, even when you are bitchy.
My gut always gives me the same feeling and answer about you. It is the one that leads me to think you feel it too, even if you don't want to accept or admit it.
That is part of why I want to kiss and take you. Because what bothers us is that it feels right and if others can't deal, well...
Hell, in the name of science we ought to find out because you can't say yes or no without experimenting. Can't confirm or deny the validity of a hypothesis without a test. Maybe some itches shouldn't be scratched and maybe some should be.
The Answer Is Probably
Dear June,
I know you are wondering whether I would say yes or not to sleeping with you. The answer is that if you ask me nicely I would say...maybe.
:)
Might say no and make you ask twice. Yeah, I know you don't believe I would say no, well I wouldn't say no to something else but I won't say what that is.
Not that it matters since you seem unwilling to spend time with me...now.
Never know what tomorrow will bring, you're proof of that. Never thought you'd be in my life or a part of it in any way and look at this.
Not quite 20 years, but hell not that far off either, Whoa.
I know you are wondering whether I would say yes or not to sleeping with you. The answer is that if you ask me nicely I would say...maybe.
:)
Might say no and make you ask twice. Yeah, I know you don't believe I would say no, well I wouldn't say no to something else but I won't say what that is.
Not that it matters since you seem unwilling to spend time with me...now.
Never know what tomorrow will bring, you're proof of that. Never thought you'd be in my life or a part of it in any way and look at this.
Not quite 20 years, but hell not that far off either, Whoa.
Somewhere In Time
Dear June,
I could tell you quite a long story about all of the changes that occurred between when I left and came back. Some of them were...horrible and hard.
But not all.
Good things happened too and that is primarily what I focus upon. Doesn't serve to look back and focus on all that happened, good or bad.
It is ok to glance back and see the connections between things so that you can determine if you are on the right path but it shouldn't be where you get lost. Lately I have spent a bit more time there because I have needed to remind myself that I have overcome many challenges and that the current ones are just a moment.
But it doesn't change their existence or that it feels like I have been beaten to my knees a few times.
I pulled off some pretty big wins and major successes not too long ago and now I am stuck in a very odd place. Somewhere between a bigger win and potentially a big fall.
I am nervous and a bit frightened because this feels tenuous and it could be very painful. Not afraid of pain, but I have had quite a bit for a while now and I need to get stuff focused and settled so that it is more manageable.
I think it is going to happen. I think I am going to pull it off. Worked my ass off to set some things up and all I need is for a few pieces. to fall into place, but I can't do more than I have done.
Can't control anything, can only manage.
Sucks to feel helpless in some areas. I am just pushing ahead and doing my best because there are no other options.
Root for me woman, because one way or another I am going to get there but it would be nice not to have to do it all the hard way.
And that is all I have to say about that.
Maybe I'll see you somewhere in time.
I could tell you quite a long story about all of the changes that occurred between when I left and came back. Some of them were...horrible and hard.
But not all.
Good things happened too and that is primarily what I focus upon. Doesn't serve to look back and focus on all that happened, good or bad.
It is ok to glance back and see the connections between things so that you can determine if you are on the right path but it shouldn't be where you get lost. Lately I have spent a bit more time there because I have needed to remind myself that I have overcome many challenges and that the current ones are just a moment.
But it doesn't change their existence or that it feels like I have been beaten to my knees a few times.
I pulled off some pretty big wins and major successes not too long ago and now I am stuck in a very odd place. Somewhere between a bigger win and potentially a big fall.
I am nervous and a bit frightened because this feels tenuous and it could be very painful. Not afraid of pain, but I have had quite a bit for a while now and I need to get stuff focused and settled so that it is more manageable.
I think it is going to happen. I think I am going to pull it off. Worked my ass off to set some things up and all I need is for a few pieces. to fall into place, but I can't do more than I have done.
Can't control anything, can only manage.
Sucks to feel helpless in some areas. I am just pushing ahead and doing my best because there are no other options.
Root for me woman, because one way or another I am going to get there but it would be nice not to have to do it all the hard way.
And that is all I have to say about that.
Maybe I'll see you somewhere in time.
Different Kinds Of Conversations
Hey June,
Had a dream that you insisted we sleep together because you wanted to prove a point. Thought it was kind of funny because I could totally see you doing that. If I suggested it, well you might call me crazy but if you came up with the idea it made perfect sense.
Suppose that begs the question of whether I would sleep with you.
Maybe...
Had a dream that you insisted we sleep together because you wanted to prove a point. Thought it was kind of funny because I could totally see you doing that. If I suggested it, well you might call me crazy but if you came up with the idea it made perfect sense.
Suppose that begs the question of whether I would sleep with you.
Maybe...
Another Post
Hi June,
Been to hell and back and then back to hell. Can't figure out which way is up and which way is down.
I am surprised to see myself standing, let alone walking. Not exaggerating, situation is uncomfortable and I am at a loss to see how to get out of it.
Yet there are these moments where I am convinced I will and that everything will eventually work out. I think that is as likely as asking you to give me head. It is not unprecedented or impossible but given everything it is unlikely.
Hell, I am not even sure I could get it up if I wanted to, but that is something I distract myself with. Maybe you are right, maybe I am sick. But then again, maybe I am not. I'd almost like to believe it because it would make things easier.
Because I could look at things and say that I am confused because my head is broken, but I don't really think that is the case. I think it is just a convoluted and confusing moment. When I stop trying to punch my way out of a paper bag it might get easier.
The funny thing about this is I can see it getting worse and I can see it getting better. Hell I can see all sorts of thing and believe there is a damn good chance they'd happen but who knows.
P.S. You look really fucking good. Better thank someone for good genes cuz you got them.
Been to hell and back and then back to hell. Can't figure out which way is up and which way is down.
I am surprised to see myself standing, let alone walking. Not exaggerating, situation is uncomfortable and I am at a loss to see how to get out of it.
Yet there are these moments where I am convinced I will and that everything will eventually work out. I think that is as likely as asking you to give me head. It is not unprecedented or impossible but given everything it is unlikely.
Hell, I am not even sure I could get it up if I wanted to, but that is something I distract myself with. Maybe you are right, maybe I am sick. But then again, maybe I am not. I'd almost like to believe it because it would make things easier.
Because I could look at things and say that I am confused because my head is broken, but I don't really think that is the case. I think it is just a convoluted and confusing moment. When I stop trying to punch my way out of a paper bag it might get easier.
The funny thing about this is I can see it getting worse and I can see it getting better. Hell I can see all sorts of thing and believe there is a damn good chance they'd happen but who knows.
P.S. You look really fucking good. Better thank someone for good genes cuz you got them.
Hug
Dear June,
Been a long time since we shared a hug. Thought about it once or twice and wondered if maybe you might enjoy getting lost in my arms. Or maybe it is me wanting to get lost in yours. Maybe it is because it has been a long and hard road.
Maybe it is just that or maybe it is because I have memories that lead to questions and a gut feeling about some things.
Could be the last time I saw you I was surprised by how good you smelled. Smell is a powerful sense, it triggers memories, drives ideas and emotions.
If I haven't proved I am pretty good at being standoffish when I want to be it is only because you take that sixth sense that hasn't completely faded and read between the lines. Ah, so much I want to say and maybe one day I will.
For now I'll say I need a hug, the kind where you can just let go and let shit out. Been a little rough and sometimes I feel the weight. If I get said hug or not I'll manage cuz it is what I do, but I am not going to lie, the idea sounds so...good.
Can't write more, just can't let more out. Want to, but not today.
Been a long time since we shared a hug. Thought about it once or twice and wondered if maybe you might enjoy getting lost in my arms. Or maybe it is me wanting to get lost in yours. Maybe it is because it has been a long and hard road.
Maybe it is just that or maybe it is because I have memories that lead to questions and a gut feeling about some things.
Could be the last time I saw you I was surprised by how good you smelled. Smell is a powerful sense, it triggers memories, drives ideas and emotions.
If I haven't proved I am pretty good at being standoffish when I want to be it is only because you take that sixth sense that hasn't completely faded and read between the lines. Ah, so much I want to say and maybe one day I will.
For now I'll say I need a hug, the kind where you can just let go and let shit out. Been a little rough and sometimes I feel the weight. If I get said hug or not I'll manage cuz it is what I do, but I am not going to lie, the idea sounds so...good.
Can't write more, just can't let more out. Want to, but not today.
