Yo Junebug,
I was going to start writing a very different letter to you but Gino Vanelli is playing I Just Want To Stop and this cheesy music sent me in a different direction. So I am just going to write and whatever comes out, comes out.
It took years and years to get to this place I am at, mentally, emotionally and physically that is.
I really didn't come here because of you, but I figured it didn't hurt and that it could hurt. Don't know if that makes sense, so I will try to explain.
I have spent a substantial amount of time (where's Neville when we need him, he loves substance) trying to obtain a job as a writer but it has been exceptionally difficult.
Some of it is tied into a bad economy and some of it is tied into being some who didn't have a big portfolio of professional work to present. Add my age into it and you have a more challenging situation. Had I been a twenty something I suspect things might have been a bit easier.
What I really want to do professionally and personally is just write. I want to take whatever skill and ability I have and turn it into something. I don't feel like I making enough use of my talent and so I have been actively working on doing something about that.
You know there are stories locked inside of my head and I want to take them out and put them down on paper.
You have played a significant role in this for so many reasons. Look at us and look at all that can be said about us.
Take that and you have this incredible pool of material to draw upon. We are the raw material of a billion great stories.
We were strangers. We were lovers. We were best friends. We were people who got caught by timing and circumstance. Now we are something else that remains undefined.
Yeah, I know you call it friends and I call bullshit. We are and we aren't. You want to see me and you don't want to see me. You want to sleep with me and you don't want to sleep with me.
It is like I said before, sometimes I just want to kiss you and see what happens. See if that charge goes through us both or if it doesn't.
We aren't the only people to go through this. We aren't the only ones who have wondered what if or tried to figure out if the window is open, closed or just jammed tight.
During the drive out here I remember thinking that the universe and it is infinite sense of humor would cause you to keep me at arm's length while I was here and that as soon as I moved back you would change your mind and ask me to come back.
Is it coincidence that Everything I Own is playing now, beats me and I am not going to focus on it.
But I will tell you that our story burns inside me and not just because of any personal interest but as a writer and storyteller. It is there inside and begging to be told.
This could be a multi-million dollar book/movie.
Money isn't the motivation there, well maybe a part of it but only because I have this dream of being able to afford to do nothing but focus on writing.
I want that beautiful home with the office/study/library that I can get lost in while I just write. It wouldn't hurt to have a private jet to fly. Travel would be easier -- there are so many places to see and experiences to have.
And from a completely different tack I still think it is a bit unfair that you have the opportunity to gain glimpses inside and to get a sense of what is going on and it is not reciprocated.
Most of the time I just shrug my shoulders because it doesn't really matter. I am comfortable and confident that the chain that connects us is pushing through accurate information. It may be wrong, may be completely misguided but it doesn't hurt me.
I may think about you from time to time but I live my life, get my work done, laugh smile and enjoy things so I figure what is the big deal,
It is part of why I decided to just write this note. Fuck, ten years later and I am here. That is fucking ridiculous, isn't it. Bizarre and I guarantee you never believed this would happen.
To be clear, I am not asking you to do anything. I told you what I thought and will say again that you looked ridiculously sexy when I saw you. It surprised me, how good you looked and how I got that little charge.
I am curious about kissing you, but really I would be shocked if we didn't feel like no time had passed.
Anyhoo, I am going to keep doing what I am doing. Going to keep pushing forward, trying to figure out how to write the story that breaks all the chains.
That is my biggest fear right now, that I am not going to hit the mark I have set inside my head. I delete so many of my stories because I look at them and think they suck. Some of them probably don't, but I am better than that.
Last line and then I am off to disappear, quotes that caught my eye today:
“What you seek is seeking you.”
― Rumi
“Inside you there’s an artist you don’t know about… say yes quickly, if you know, if you’ve known it from before the beginning of the universe.”
― Rumi
“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.”
― Albert Einstein
“I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved. I'm a housewife and a prostitute, both of us living in the same body and doing battle with each other.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
― Maya Angelou
“No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader.”
― Robert Frost
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