Still Standing

Dear June,

It has been a very long week, I touched upon some of it in the post just before this but my cousin passing isn't all of it. None of what is dragging me down is particularly new and maybe that is part of why I feel so worn out.

You probably won't be surprised to see or hear how I picture things. Probably won't surprise you if I said I feel like I am being asked to stand still while I get punched...repeatedly. Don't know why I visualize things as I do, it is just how it is.

Maybe it is ego. Maybe it is too big an ego or maybe it is something else, not really sure and don't know if it matters. What I do know is that I am frustrated because it feels like every time I start to gain ground and get back to standing in the sunshine something smacks me in the mouth and says "you don't get this."

But I never have believed any of it. I may get punched but I only know how to stand and keep going. It is how I was raised. Shit happens and you just deal with it because there are no other choices. It is like Churchill says, "if you find yourself in hell keep going."

I would characterize this time as being in hell but I am still going because there is no going back there is only going through, only one way to the other side. But it doesn't mean there aren't moments where I just want to go lie down at the pool and do nothing but feel the sun upon my back. Nor am I going to say I never look at what other people seem to have and wonder how they always seem to have such an easy time. I am not referring to you, just other people I see.

And I look back at the last nine or ten months and I see such a mixed bag. I accomplished so much, came so damn far but it didn't stop/prevent some of the shittiest moments I can think of. Some of the crap that happened to me is simply shocking because of who was involved. I never expected it and I am still angry about it.

I try not to carry my anger about these things because it doesn't change anything. Doesn't turn the crap into gold but I still want to scream about it but I don't and I won't. It is not because I fear doing so but if it won't change anything there is no benefit to it.

And that is why I want to let go of the anger. I won't just forget the crap but if there is no benefit it is the sort of luggage I don't need to hang on to.

Got a list of what I need and what I want. Doing my best to prepare a 'proper' roadmap so that I can make them all happen and like I said, I have faith that I will get there. I always do and this time won't be any different but there are those moments where it feels like it is taking forever.

So here I am saying yet again, if you ask me what life will be like in 5 years I can give you a very general description but not as many details as I might like. Part of me appreciates that because it is exciting. It is just this exceptional opportunity and part of me wishes I could see all the details because it would help me relax.

I guess for the time being I'll keep walking the tightrope and do my best not to fall off of the damn cliff again. You know the problem with falling off?

It's not death or anything that grim.

The problem is that I seem to bounce off of every outcropping of rock along the way. Nothing like bruising the fuck out of your body but the good news I just pick my ass up and start walking again. And now I'll end this post here and let you resume your evening.

Got to pack, going away for the weekend.