Longer Letters

Dear June,

I suppose you can consider this one of those notes where I don't hold back and just let go. One of those moments where I don't try to protect your heart or mine, where I just write and rely upon faith. Might sound ridiculous to you but sometimes it is all I have got.

Baby, sometimes I wonder if I am the beast I say I am. I wonder if I am as strong as I believe and if I have the ability to go the distance. Sometimes I wonder because it feels like I do it all on my own and I ask myself the hard questions.

Am I doing the right thing? Am I making things better or worse? Am I responsible for the position I am in and do I keep digging myself in and out and in and out of the same holes?

But those moments of uncertainty never last. They show up and hang around long enough for me to say hi and then I pick my silly ass up and start exercising. When the sweat starts pouring down my head and the heart starts racing a little I get this surge of adrenaline and I feel like I am back. Ready to battle and I remember I am built for the long haul and am capable of doing what is required.

When I close my eyes I see you standing there. When I think about the future you're in it. Whatever this thing is between us it doesn't feel like something that is limited or bound by conventional structure. I never think of it as anything but two people who given the chance will bring out the best. There is more depth and more trust.

My guess is if push came to shove and we had to tell people who are best friend was and weren't holding back we'd say each other.

I refuse to just bury and ignore that. I tried and it made me a bit crazier than normal.

Don't get me wrong, I can do whatever I have to. I can walk through this world on my own. I can figure everything out but someone used to tell me to get my head out of my ass and I did. Took a while, but I did it. You can tell me all you want about bad circumstances, timing, windows and whatever else but that doesn't change feelings.

Doesn't change this overwhelming sense that when we kiss you are there. Doesn't change that ache that is always there when you are not. Doesn't change that I want to sit with you on our couch and just talk about our day or life. Doesn't change the joy of just spending time with you.

My heart is still yours.

You don't have to respond or say anything to this. I am not asking you to make any promises or do anything. Just wanted to share it with you. Makes me feel better and I hope it does the same for you. Gah, woman, sometimes you just kill me. ;)