Hampshire

My parents are currently in the city. Told them that I know where to send them for bagels and other odds and ends. Kind of weird that they are there, almost suggested that they go find a certain house and take a picture of it.

But I didn't. Figure if I am ever trapped there I'll need something or someone to do. ;)

A New Look

Making more changes around here. Since you are my silent partner I'll give you the opportunity to share your opinion. Since you have never lacked for one that shouldn't be hard.

What do you think? Do you like it or would you prefer to go back to an older model?

When are you going to admit that you want to be my girl.

Happy New Year Juneleh. One of these days....

What Are You Doing?

What are you doing here? What do you want? Are you just trying to yank my chain. Want to see if you can make me perform tricks. Does it make you feel good to read these posts. Do you like seeing me pour my heart out or do you prefer when I bring out the edge.

Maybe that is what you miss. Maybe you miss the hard ass that you fell in love with. Well, he is still here. Never left, never went away just didn't show that side. But if you want I can. I can be mean. I can be a jerk.

Not really what I want to do, but you like it when I put you in your place. You like it when I tell you to apologize. Traditional roles baby, remember.

Damn universe won't let you just walk away will it. You can try to forget, try to be angry or make up a million excuses but the memories don't go or the attachment.

Woman, you'd feel a lot better beneath me wouldn't you. That is a statement and not a question.

Ok, the LBJ is crowded, got to run.

Trust

Went to see your family at the zoo the other day so that I could ask them what your story is. Wanted to know what your deal is and why you act so illogical and irrational.

And then I remembered that you are female and it all became clear.

I could talk about how you need to submit. I could talk about how you need a good spanking and a host of other things. They are all true but what I really should do is ignore you because I know that you hate that.

You can feed me all the bullshit about not caring, being done and the other things you say but don't mean. You can tell me all that and I don't believe it because you keep coming back here.

Your presence speaks volumes and tells the story. I know you in ways that you don't know yourself. I see the gray hair interspersed with the black and listen to you rave about politics. Don't tell me that you don't miss talking to me about it along with a million other things or that you don't remember.

I don't like being lied to.

Anyway, I am done with that. Got to deal with my own private hell for a while. Got to set some people straight- too bad you aren't talking or I'd tell you where to go to watch. Some people haven't recognized yet what kind of word storm I can unleash upon them.

Uh oh, testosterone overload. Maybe you'll get lucky and have the chance to help with that. Enough of this, off to battle I go.

See you later Cecilia.

Did You Ever Cry?

Did you ever cry about us? Did you ever feel badly and wonder if you were making a mistake? Did you ever wonder why? You know, that giant "why" that encompasses all of the questions.

When you think about us what do you think about? If I gave you something to suck on would you do so or would you just yell at me for being rude and obnoxious.

Sometimes I think you just need a good spanking and then some. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we were trapped on that island or locked in that room we always talked about.

Do you think you can continue to hide your heart from me and if so, how long will you try. I think that you like being pursued. I think that you like knowing that I continue to burn and to ache.

Sometimes I wonder if you think it is too much pressure and if I have built up unreasonable expectations. Don't know for certain, but I have been known to speculate.

I still believe that one kiss would rock your world. I still believe that if I held you in my arms you would have to fight not to give in. There is no other reason for you to visit our secret world.

I hope that when you go to sleep you think about that first time together and you remember what once was. And I hope that you understand that in some cases what once was can be...again.

I know things about you that you don't recognize. I understand parts and pieces. I remember how that first time you practically attacked me and threw me down on the bed. Good memories, wonder if we'll add to them.

More Music

Ok crazy woman of mine, I am back. Yes, I called you crazy and woman of mine. We are both crazy, you and I. That is how I see it and since you don't write, call or comment I am free to say whatever I want.

It is kind of refreshing not having to fight to get a word in edgewise. As Groucho Marx said you must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle. ;)

It is a bit after 1 am and I am awake...again. These two songs played on iTunes tonight and so my dear seventies girl I thought that I would share them with you. But before I do, do you remember seeing this as a kid?

I miss you a little John Michael Montgomery

So much more to say and so much more to share, but it is a bit late and I think that I'll save some of this for later. But for now I'll say that you are my favorite air sucker and I don't believe the lines you have been feeding me. MLBF, alone and apart but still standing.

Heartbreakingly Beautiful

I don't recall if I ever shared this song with you or if I have listened to it by myself. Came through on my iTunes right after this one

Call me delusional, stupid, loser..whatever. My shoulders are broad enough to take a lot. I prove that to myself every day- not that it matters.

I miss my best friend. I miss the girl who laughed at my jokes and the woman who supported me. I miss knowing that there never has been a better pairing or tighter team than you and I.

My heart has been torn from chest and pulled through my rib cage. I am not who I was and not quite sure who I am now. Some days I feel like an empty shell and I wonder if you miss me. Wonder if you shed any tears over all of this or just walked away without a second thought.

Most of the time I am quite confident that your visits here are proof positive that you once loved a boy who looked an awful lot like me. Most of the time I think that you cut off contact because it got to be too hard and you can't deal with it.

I understand that. There are moments where I think that I will never show my face here again and that this will finally dissolve into dust and memories of the king and queen who wandered through the forest.

But I never quite get to that point. Never quite get there because something draws me back and I can't quite figure that out. I have told you a million times before that no one has ever captured my heart like you did.

Maybe it is because I never saw you coming. Maybe it is because of a million other reasons- I don't know if it matters.

Sometimes I dream about you. Sometimes I dream about holding you in my arms again and what it would feel like to kiss you. Sometimes I dream about making love to you again and wonder if you aren't afraid of the pressure that I have created.

Sometimes I think that you are afraid that I have made you into something you're not and that you stay away because you fear the consequences.

All I can say about that is I see/saw you differently- perfect in your imperfections.

maybe I am feeling more sentimental because of all of the changes- not really sure nor do I care. At the moment I am just going with it.

Perhaps we'll never talk again. Perhaps we have used up all the magic that was given to us- but my heart says no. And I think that part of me is afraid that I will always love you and part of me loves that.

So my dearest June, I love you and hope that you are well. Take care of yourself and remember that your body is still my playground but what I love the most is your mind.

-Johnny

Lots of Changes

My grandfather died two weeks ago. It feels so very strange not to have grandparents any more. I have memories, boy do I have memories but the people who lived them with me are gone.

This is the sort of conversation that I sometimes miss having with you. These philosophical discussions about life. Even though you are short, illogical and unreasonable they were fun to have.

The soundtrack to Slumdog Millionaire is playing in the background. Sometimes I think of you and that movie. There is much more to say but I seem to be lacking the energy to say it. Curiosity my ass.

My Ears

June,

My ears were burning, don't know if that is because you were speaking/thinking/wondering about me or if that is because of a sunburn.

But I wanted to remind you that I am here. One of these days the president of The Earl Warren Fan Club may slip further away and you'll need someone to lean on.

I can do that. I can help. All you need to do is let me...help.

The Gates Of Hell

Well woman I am back here again and so are you. I can't decide who the bigger fool is...me or you. But then again maybe it doesn't matter.

Truthfully I don't really have time to worry about it. I have so much going on and so many things flying at me I am surprised that I remember my name.

Physically I am breaking down- I think that the stress is beginning to kick my ass. My body aches constantly. My hair is getting a bit thin and I do believe that a couple of gray hairs have found their way to my head.

Back and knees hurt- but I refuse to give in. I refuse to go quietly into the night.

Maybe it is because I feel like I like alone and apart. Maybe it is because I still feel you out there and I remember that my best fucking friend has chosen to walk away. Maybe it is because I don't believe silly female answers like "curiosity" as being the reason you show up here.

I know, I keep repeating myself. I yell at you and you come back anyway. Maybe it is because you don't believe me. Maybe you think I am pussy whipped or maybe you feel what I feel and don't know what to do about it.

Beats the fuck out of me. So for better or worse I keep spouting off here. But I knew that you would come today. Knew it the same way that I knew when you would call me. So what difference does it make.

If my heart is right then none of this makes a difference. And if my head is right then none of this makes a difference.

Don't ask me to explain because I won't. Maybe if you are ever lucky enough to be with me again I'll tell you- but I am too tired for that now.

You'll be back again and so will I. Got to go pack now and try to figure out where I am going to live.

The Garden

I keep looking for you in the secret garden of promises made and promises kept. I wander among verdant fields of green into a forest filled with the orange and yellow colors of the autumn that is yet to come.

Under the moonlit sky I stare up and remember what it was like to kiss you and hold you in my arms. I close my eyes and see you lying beneath me, soft eyes and an electric smile that only I got to see.

And I wonder what became of that smile and think about how I might find it again. I wander through life separated from the woman who taught me how to love again and I think about how unfair it is for two people to have met as we did.

I haven't any answers or explanations. Sometimes I retreat and move back into my cave to nurse my wounds. I disconnect from everything that goes on around me and try to focus my attention upon that which is immediately before me.

Inside the secret garden of promises made and promises kept I hear your voice and smell you. I talk about a boy who asks a girl to let him love her and in return be loved. Inside the secret garden of promises made and promises kept I see a beautiful woman who has so much to give and is more amazing than she gives herself credit for.

Inside the secret garden of promises made and promises kept I write these words and hope that when you read them you will do so with an open heart and the belief that maybe somehow we can find our way back to each other.

It sounds crazy, but inside the secret garden of promises made and promises kept it all feels possible. Here in the garden I have this feeling that when we reach ten years it will all come together.

And I wonder if we were alone if you would try to stop me from kissing you again or if you would let me drink deeply from your lips.

I never promised to do things the easy way but I did promise to keep trying, so my dearest Juneleh- I am looking for a way.