Perhaps I shall confess to having felt a bit left out of recent events and though I understand why I have to admit I kind of wanted to be there.
And maybe I saw a picture or two that made me think of friendly thoughts that might have been deemed as the kind of things you share if you have a friend with benefits or something more.
Curiosity is a funny thing and though I could be more explicit about the who, how and what all I will say for now is we have talked about these things and that I know there have been times when the talk would have led to action.
More than a decade and sometimes the butterflies show up and surprise me in the most pleasant way.
Visibility
Island Time
Someone asked me if I was trapped on a desert island who I'd want with me. I gave the standard answer and said the professor, Skipper and Mary Ann but they didn't accept it.
They said I had to name a real person so I said I have a real person in mind and then I refused to share the name. It was you I was thinking of. I don't know that I have the patience/tolerance to deal with being with most people for days upon days, but I am confident we wouldn't get sick of each other.
When we choose to communicate we do it well.
Life is particularly crazy and interesting. Most of it is good, but there is some scary stuff that is wearing me down a bit. Sometimes I have to really push myself to keep moving, but most of the time I walk forwards because lying down won't change anything.
One of these days you and I will have to have a real conversation. Got no idea when, but someday.
They said I had to name a real person so I said I have a real person in mind and then I refused to share the name. It was you I was thinking of. I don't know that I have the patience/tolerance to deal with being with most people for days upon days, but I am confident we wouldn't get sick of each other.
When we choose to communicate we do it well.
Life is particularly crazy and interesting. Most of it is good, but there is some scary stuff that is wearing me down a bit. Sometimes I have to really push myself to keep moving, but most of the time I walk forwards because lying down won't change anything.
One of these days you and I will have to have a real conversation. Got no idea when, but someday.
Poetry
Sometimes I wonder if I have got the chops to write the kind of poetry that people will remember. Or if I am capable of writing the kind of story and or play that will move people.
When I close my eyes and look inward the answer is always yes. The ordinary and the extraordinary are there and all I have to do is reach for them.
A bed of roses and the smell of home, I see it all and so much more. But the timeline is obscured by mist and the way forward is foggy.
Can't do more than hope to find and follow the path of a shooting star and maybe one day find my way home. Sailors sail and writers write and the words and seas share the contradictions of safety and storm.
I don't search for meaning or try to read more than that which lies upon the surface. Analysis leads to chaos so acceptance is the beneficiary.
Castle walls rise and are illuminated by rays of moonlight. The mix of dark and light provide the contradiction of endings and openings. So we ignore the serious and seek the silly with no expectations other than the opportunity to explore the forbidden and forgotten.
There is magic...always but none can say if they are its master or its servant and it really matters not.
When I close my eyes and look inward the answer is always yes. The ordinary and the extraordinary are there and all I have to do is reach for them.
A bed of roses and the smell of home, I see it all and so much more. But the timeline is obscured by mist and the way forward is foggy.
Can't do more than hope to find and follow the path of a shooting star and maybe one day find my way home. Sailors sail and writers write and the words and seas share the contradictions of safety and storm.
I don't search for meaning or try to read more than that which lies upon the surface. Analysis leads to chaos so acceptance is the beneficiary.
Castle walls rise and are illuminated by rays of moonlight. The mix of dark and light provide the contradiction of endings and openings. So we ignore the serious and seek the silly with no expectations other than the opportunity to explore the forbidden and forgotten.
There is magic...always but none can say if they are its master or its servant and it really matters not.
And So It Goes
What a crazy time. Just when I think I have things going one way off they go another. What a wacky world. If I had my way I'd be on a beach somewhere enjoying vacation the way a vacation ought to be enjoyed. Argh.
Easier To Stay Angry
There is still a list of guys I don't like that are connected to you and I am sure you won't appreciate my saying I'd like to punch the author, the attorney and the dumb redneck whackjob in the mouth.
Probably won't ever happen and that is not related to whether I'll ever get the opportunity but to their not being worth my time. Still the idea of them getting a quick smack with the back of my hand makes me smirk, probably more because I am frustrated with some stuff which doesn't have anything to do with you at all.
What does aggravate me a bit about you is that it is hard to stay angry with you. Normally I don't have to work at staying angry with people because they do something stupid and it just sticks with me without any effort.
It doesn't work that way with you. I have to put together a list of things you have done to get me pissed off with you and that is more work than necessary. I figure if I can't stay angry with you there is a reason for it and who am I to argue with whatever reason it is.
However there is one thing that is chapping my hide a bit and that is wondering about your health. Like I said, it is your choice whether to tell or not to and it is my right to be concerned. May I remind you that regardless of how things may be now we did talk about getting married and having kids together.
That puts you in an elite realm because it came after I understood from experience what that meant so the point is of course I am going to be concerned about your health. Try not to twist yourself in knots trying to figure out if there is a hidden meaning there or not because I mean exactly what I say, I am concerned about your health.
It has nothing to do with any thoughts, ideas or hope for anything other than your damn health.
Got some stuff I have to deal with in the next few days or week or so which is why I didn't text or message this. If you come across it great, you'll be reminded that I am an idiot who has a hard time staying angry with you and is concerned about your damn health.
And if you don't well, after I finish taking care of some of this other stuff I'll probably drop you a line to check in on you, unless I figure out a way to stay angry, but after 13 or 14 years it hasn't happened so why would it change now.
Got to run do battle in a different arena now, looking forward to simpler times and easier days, they are coming.
Probably won't ever happen and that is not related to whether I'll ever get the opportunity but to their not being worth my time. Still the idea of them getting a quick smack with the back of my hand makes me smirk, probably more because I am frustrated with some stuff which doesn't have anything to do with you at all.
What does aggravate me a bit about you is that it is hard to stay angry with you. Normally I don't have to work at staying angry with people because they do something stupid and it just sticks with me without any effort.
It doesn't work that way with you. I have to put together a list of things you have done to get me pissed off with you and that is more work than necessary. I figure if I can't stay angry with you there is a reason for it and who am I to argue with whatever reason it is.
However there is one thing that is chapping my hide a bit and that is wondering about your health. Like I said, it is your choice whether to tell or not to and it is my right to be concerned. May I remind you that regardless of how things may be now we did talk about getting married and having kids together.
That puts you in an elite realm because it came after I understood from experience what that meant so the point is of course I am going to be concerned about your health. Try not to twist yourself in knots trying to figure out if there is a hidden meaning there or not because I mean exactly what I say, I am concerned about your health.
It has nothing to do with any thoughts, ideas or hope for anything other than your damn health.
Got some stuff I have to deal with in the next few days or week or so which is why I didn't text or message this. If you come across it great, you'll be reminded that I am an idiot who has a hard time staying angry with you and is concerned about your damn health.
And if you don't well, after I finish taking care of some of this other stuff I'll probably drop you a line to check in on you, unless I figure out a way to stay angry, but after 13 or 14 years it hasn't happened so why would it change now.
Got to run do battle in a different arena now, looking forward to simpler times and easier days, they are coming.
A Different Sort Of Anger
Woman,
I am still kind of pissed off at you, but most of it is because I am concerned about you. I am pretty good at compartmentalizing and not buying trouble before it comes. It is part of how I have gotten this far and not let the hard stuff that is going on drown me.
What angers me the most right now isn't being called names or misjudged. It is not knowing what is happening with you. You shared enough to make me wonder, especially when you said it is scary. So it is hard for my imagination not to run a bit and fill in the blanks.
You truly don't have to tell me anything, but after more than a decade and everything that has or has not happened it impossible not to be concerned. And if saying that pisses you off, well I am cool with that. You can be angry with me for being concerned about your welfare.
Besides, if you come here you should expect me to be unfettered and honest.
The point is I care about your health and well-being. I am truly not pushing, you don't have to tell me anything, but I am not heartless and I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't,
I am still kind of pissed off at you, but most of it is because I am concerned about you. I am pretty good at compartmentalizing and not buying trouble before it comes. It is part of how I have gotten this far and not let the hard stuff that is going on drown me.
What angers me the most right now isn't being called names or misjudged. It is not knowing what is happening with you. You shared enough to make me wonder, especially when you said it is scary. So it is hard for my imagination not to run a bit and fill in the blanks.
You truly don't have to tell me anything, but after more than a decade and everything that has or has not happened it impossible not to be concerned. And if saying that pisses you off, well I am cool with that. You can be angry with me for being concerned about your welfare.
Besides, if you come here you should expect me to be unfettered and honest.
The point is I care about your health and well-being. I am truly not pushing, you don't have to tell me anything, but I am not heartless and I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't,
A Bombshell--Support
I keep writing and rewriting this because a million questions and thoughts are flooding through my mind. I am very concerned and hope whatever is going on turns out to be nothing serious. But I would be remiss if I didn't say it sounds like you can use the support of a friend now.
I am not asking or hoping for anything from you other than your health. Just saying if you need someone to write it is not hard to find me. I am always rooting for you.
Still Angry, Still Struggling
I got about three hours of sleep last night and that is not helping my mood or making it easy to think as clearly as I want. Might even be part of why I have gotten progressively angrier throughout the day.
Not sure that I buy much of anything about the lawyer and his snooping around where he doesn't belong. Makes the hackles on my neck go up and wonder if he is the source of bad advice or current 'love interest.'
Been struggling with some stuff that has nothing to do with 'us' but I admit to feeling a little heartbroken that someone who had been through so much with me hasn't and isn't there to support me. Disappointing, disturbing and upsetting.
I hate feeling stupid. I hate feeling I am Charlie Brown and Lucy just pulled the ball out from under me again. It is uncomfortable but I learned a long fucking time ago to take a very hard look in the mirror and to accept that when you deal with people it doesn't always matter what you agreed to, things change.
It is why I moved on and focused elsewhere a long time ago. But the stuff I am trying to fight through now doesn't allow for that. There is no ignoring or pretending. It could be a temporary thing but it might not be.
Hell, I can say I love people, but be in love, well that is a different thing altogether. I am not even sure I can mention that here without it being misconstrued. And like I said, all of that is completely secondary to the other thing I am focused on. The one that is probably the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.
Relationships and shit come and go. Some last. Some die. Some come back. Some never recover. All of those are things I am ok with. The stuff from my early twenties is just good life experience. Learned a lot. But this other thing, this is a different sort of real and it is the kind of thing that haunts me. I won't write about it in detail here because it is not for consumption by multiple people, especially those who I don't know personally.
I am angry and I am frustrated because the things that are going on, the complications, well they hurt my heart and not in the way that you do. That one I manage just fine, this one is different. I'll figure it out and manage because it is what I do. Fuck, if I ever knew life would be so complicated and yet so fucking simple.
Damn, the older I get the fewer fucks I give about so many people and so many things. You can read or not read my shit, it is your choice and has always been. I am not out to offend but not going to censor myself either. Just going to write, it is the only way I can get better. And in this area, well I know I can get better. I know there are some books in me and I have to improve. Going to get published one day.
Love hard and live hard because one day it all ends and you might as well try to suck as much out of it as you can. It has been a pretty good run, never know what comes with the next sunset or sunrise. Just taking it day by day and doing the best I can hoping it is enough to make it to the next chapter.
So Disappointing
I am not entirely certain why I am bothering to write anything here because I don't know if you'll bother to read it or even hear what I am saying. After the ridiculous, over-the-top and completely unhinged remarks you shared last night I am quite disappointed.
It boggles my mind that you would go out of your way to attack me and try to hurt me. The decent thing would have been to have had a real conversation. Hell, if I point out you made me promise to do all I could to try and get back to town as soon as possible you'll try to spin it and claim I am nuts.
There are a ton of inconsistencies and I haven't ever pushed for an explanation about how you could tell me you loved me one day and looked forward to building a future and in a matter of weeks pretend like it never happened. That is only a few years ago and I understand things change.
I went through so much hell between then and now. You haven't a clue how hard things have been and what I have had to do to try to make things work. There were times when I really needed you in the worst possible way and you didn't hear from me because I didn't have time to beg for a friend.
I did what I had to do to improve things on my end and to turn it all around. An opportunity arose and I took it and coincidence took me back here. I really don't understand why you think I should have consulted you.
You have been living your life and I have been living mine. I figured if our paths crossed again I would deal with it if and when. And if they didn't, well that wasn't any different than what had been going on.
There was a time when you were one of the most important people in my life. I am not going to apologize or be blamed for saying I had hoped we would at least be friends. Nor will I take blame for saying I had thought about the possibility of something more.
But I didn't push or force anything. If you believe that someone is giving you bad advice. People can read whatever they want into almost anything. I see through the bullshit and I don't accept it. A real conversation would have been much better. It would have prevented a lot of this miscommunication.
I am not the one who prevented that. I made it obvious the opportunity was there and did nothing to force anything. You completely overreacted and it is disappointing. All it would have taken is a phone call or a cup of coffee and this nonsense could have been avoided.
Life is too short for bullshit. There is a lot of stuff going on in mine and I am focused on doing everything I can to keep moving forward. I hope you never have to face the things I have. You'll always have a place in my heart and I hope life gives you whatever it is you dream for.
It boggles my mind that you would go out of your way to attack me and try to hurt me. The decent thing would have been to have had a real conversation. Hell, if I point out you made me promise to do all I could to try and get back to town as soon as possible you'll try to spin it and claim I am nuts.
There are a ton of inconsistencies and I haven't ever pushed for an explanation about how you could tell me you loved me one day and looked forward to building a future and in a matter of weeks pretend like it never happened. That is only a few years ago and I understand things change.
I went through so much hell between then and now. You haven't a clue how hard things have been and what I have had to do to try to make things work. There were times when I really needed you in the worst possible way and you didn't hear from me because I didn't have time to beg for a friend.
I did what I had to do to improve things on my end and to turn it all around. An opportunity arose and I took it and coincidence took me back here. I really don't understand why you think I should have consulted you.
You have been living your life and I have been living mine. I figured if our paths crossed again I would deal with it if and when. And if they didn't, well that wasn't any different than what had been going on.
There was a time when you were one of the most important people in my life. I am not going to apologize or be blamed for saying I had hoped we would at least be friends. Nor will I take blame for saying I had thought about the possibility of something more.
But I didn't push or force anything. If you believe that someone is giving you bad advice. People can read whatever they want into almost anything. I see through the bullshit and I don't accept it. A real conversation would have been much better. It would have prevented a lot of this miscommunication.
I am not the one who prevented that. I made it obvious the opportunity was there and did nothing to force anything. You completely overreacted and it is disappointing. All it would have taken is a phone call or a cup of coffee and this nonsense could have been avoided.
Life is too short for bullshit. There is a lot of stuff going on in mine and I am focused on doing everything I can to keep moving forward. I hope you never have to face the things I have. You'll always have a place in my heart and I hope life gives you whatever it is you dream for.
Poetry Is For Wooing Women
Sometimes I think about wooing you. Sometimes I think about wowing you. Sometimes I think too much.
“We were together. I forget the rest.”
― Walt Whitman
“And your very flesh shall be a great poem.”
― Walt Whitman
“Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you/ That you may be my poem/ I whisper with my lips close to your ear/ I have loved many women and men, but I love none better than you.”
― Walt Whitman
Wild nights! Wild nights!
Were I with thee,
Wild nights should be
Our luxury!
― Emily Dickinson
Behind Me — dips Eternity –
Before Me — Immortality –
Myself — the Term between –
Death but the Drift of Eastern Gray,
Dissolving into Dawn away,
Before the West begin
― Emily Dickinson
“Hear my soul speak. Of the very instant that I saw you, Did my heart fly at your service”
The Tempest – Act 3, Scene 1
“The course of true love never did run smooth”
A Midsummer Night’s Dream – Act 1, Scene 2
Shakespeare
More could be said and more could be shared but sometimes less is more. This serves for now and maybe for longer.
“We were together. I forget the rest.”
― Walt Whitman
“And your very flesh shall be a great poem.”
― Walt Whitman
“Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you/ That you may be my poem/ I whisper with my lips close to your ear/ I have loved many women and men, but I love none better than you.”
― Walt Whitman
Wild nights! Wild nights!
Were I with thee,
Wild nights should be
Our luxury!
― Emily Dickinson
Behind Me — dips Eternity –
Before Me — Immortality –
Myself — the Term between –
Death but the Drift of Eastern Gray,
Dissolving into Dawn away,
Before the West begin
― Emily Dickinson
“Hear my soul speak. Of the very instant that I saw you, Did my heart fly at your service”
The Tempest – Act 3, Scene 1
“The course of true love never did run smooth”
A Midsummer Night’s Dream – Act 1, Scene 2
Shakespeare
More could be said and more could be shared but sometimes less is more. This serves for now and maybe for longer.
Simple Things
Dear June,
Got no idea if or when you'll ever read this.
Got no idea if your heart will be open when you do and if you'll really hear me.
Got no idea if or what about a lot of things regarding you and I.
I just know I miss us and sometimes it is hard because it feels like we had come so far and gotten so close to really getting a chance to see what we could be together.
Sometimes it is frustrating because I feel like the door was slammed shut unexpectedly and without good reason or cause. Got no idea what really happened, just suspicion.
And the craziest thing is I feel like if we really wanted to we could take all that and wipe it away. Like in one moment we could push it all behind us and move ahead. Not because we suddenly developed amnesia but because we remembered who we are and who we can be.
There are some really tough things going on now, stuff that is tearing me up because I can't do anything more than I have done. Has nothing to do with us and I won't write about it, It is the kind of stuff I would only share in person because I just can't put it down on paper, not today, maybe someday.
That frustrates me because there is some really good stuff now too, I pulled off some pretty amazing stuff and it all happened at the same time so I haven't really been able to celebrate.
Don't know that its smart to write or share any of this here. Don't know that it is not. Not going to fight my feelings. Just going to do my thing and live my life. Nothing stays the same and eventually the challenges of today will be past.
Not going to worry about any of it really because I really do believe some things are meant to be and some aren't and you never can really know which is which. You just have to live and see what happens.
Who could have imagined we ever would have met as we did. Has to be one of the craziest things ever, especially when you think of all that came with it.
Got no idea if or when you'll ever read this.
Got no idea if your heart will be open when you do and if you'll really hear me.
Got no idea if or what about a lot of things regarding you and I.
I just know I miss us and sometimes it is hard because it feels like we had come so far and gotten so close to really getting a chance to see what we could be together.
Sometimes it is frustrating because I feel like the door was slammed shut unexpectedly and without good reason or cause. Got no idea what really happened, just suspicion.
And the craziest thing is I feel like if we really wanted to we could take all that and wipe it away. Like in one moment we could push it all behind us and move ahead. Not because we suddenly developed amnesia but because we remembered who we are and who we can be.
There are some really tough things going on now, stuff that is tearing me up because I can't do anything more than I have done. Has nothing to do with us and I won't write about it, It is the kind of stuff I would only share in person because I just can't put it down on paper, not today, maybe someday.
That frustrates me because there is some really good stuff now too, I pulled off some pretty amazing stuff and it all happened at the same time so I haven't really been able to celebrate.
Don't know that its smart to write or share any of this here. Don't know that it is not. Not going to fight my feelings. Just going to do my thing and live my life. Nothing stays the same and eventually the challenges of today will be past.
Not going to worry about any of it really because I really do believe some things are meant to be and some aren't and you never can really know which is which. You just have to live and see what happens.
Who could have imagined we ever would have met as we did. Has to be one of the craziest things ever, especially when you think of all that came with it.
