I texted you a short time ago to let you know that I am thinking of you. Got a quick note back, you were in the limo.
I am torn apart by all of this. It might not mean anything to you. It might seem strange to hear or know that I feel simply awful or maybe you get it.
Maybe you understand that I am heartbroken about not being there by your side. I am torn up because it feels wrong to me not to be there to support you and to wrap my arms around you.
Things are as they are and I continue to operate based upon instinct and my gut. I was so very thankful to get that text from you and I hope that my words help. I hope that you feel my support from far away.
You know that you have my love and I hope that means something to you. If you so choose I can be your rock. I'll try to stay in the background and give you your time, but occasionally I will check in so that you remember that someone out here is thinking about you.
Words cannot properly express how very sorry I am for your loss. You are in my thoughts. If you need me you know that I am here for you. If I can be of any help please don't hesitate to reach out.
-Johnny
P.S. It may sound ridiculous to you but I am very sorry that I never got the chance to meet him in person. It would be wrong and a complete exaggeration to say that I knew him, but I really feel like I knew a part of him.
You told me so many stories and I really did listen to them. It is hard not to be able to do more than I am doing, but I understand the situation. My sweet Juneleh, I always hurt when you are hurting.
Again, I am so sorry. When you need me I will be there.
Life has gotten far too interesting here. Wasn't sure if I was going to to write you about this but this craziness is killing me and I need to blow off steam.
One my of BILs is on life support now. Been on a machine for a week and it is a bit unclear how much longer it will be. He contracted a very bad case of an infectious disease that normally doesn't take down a healthy 36 year old, but something weird happened here.
Been working overtime to take care of my sister and nephew. Been trying to keep them both calm and help out as best I can so that this crazy mess doesn't get any crazier, but it is just nuts.
The BIL's parents are so crazy and making this all much more complicated than it has to be. Stonewalling, sandbagging and trying to prevent my sister from being as involved as she should be.
My parents are currently in the city. Told them that I know where to send them for bagels and other odds and ends. Kind of weird that they are there, almost suggested that they go find a certain house and take a picture of it.
But I didn't. Figure if I am ever trapped there I'll need something or someone to do. ;)
Making more changes around here. Since you are my silent partner I'll give you the opportunity to share your opinion. Since you have never lacked for one that shouldn't be hard.
What do you think? Do you like it or would you prefer to go back to an older model?
When are you going to admit that you want to be my girl.
What are you doing here? What do you want? Are you just trying to yank my chain. Want to see if you can make me perform tricks. Does it make you feel good to read these posts. Do you like seeing me pour my heart out or do you prefer when I bring out the edge.
Maybe that is what you miss. Maybe you miss the hard ass that you fell in love with. Well, he is still here. Never left, never went away just didn't show that side. But if you want I can. I can be mean. I can be a jerk.
Not really what I want to do, but you like it when I put you in your place. You like it when I tell you to apologize. Traditional roles baby, remember.
Damn universe won't let you just walk away will it. You can try to forget, try to be angry or make up a million excuses but the memories don't go or the attachment.
Woman, you'd feel a lot better beneath me wouldn't you. That is a statement and not a question.
Went to see your family at the zoo the other day so that I could ask them what your story is. Wanted to know what your deal is and why you act so illogical and irrational.
And then I remembered that you are female and it all became clear.
I could talk about how you need to submit. I could talk about how you need a good spanking and a host of other things. They are all true but what I really should do is ignore you because I know that you hate that.
You can feed me all the bullshit about not caring, being done and the other things you say but don't mean. You can tell me all that and I don't believe it because you keep coming back here.
Your presence speaks volumes and tells the story. I know you in ways that you don't know yourself. I see the gray hair interspersed with the black and listen to you rave about politics. Don't tell me that you don't miss talking to me about it along with a million other things or that you don't remember.
I don't like being lied to.
Anyway, I am done with that. Got to deal with my own private hell for a while. Got to set some people straight- too bad you aren't talking or I'd tell you where to go to watch. Some people haven't recognized yet what kind of word storm I can unleash upon them.
Uh oh, testosterone overload. Maybe you'll get lucky and have the chance to help with that. Enough of this, off to battle I go.
Did you ever cry about us? Did you ever feel badly and wonder if you were making a mistake? Did you ever wonder why? You know, that giant "why" that encompasses all of the questions.
When you think about us what do you think about? If I gave you something to suck on would you do so or would you just yell at me for being rude and obnoxious.
Sometimes I think you just need a good spanking and then some. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we were trapped on that island or locked in that room we always talked about.
Do you think you can continue to hide your heart from me and if so, how long will you try. I think that you like being pursued. I think that you like knowing that I continue to burn and to ache.
Sometimes I wonder if you think it is too much pressure and if I have built up unreasonable expectations. Don't know for certain, but I have been known to speculate.
I still believe that one kiss would rock your world. I still believe that if I held you in my arms you would have to fight not to give in. There is no other reason for you to visit our secret world.
I hope that when you go to sleep you think about that first time together and you remember what once was. And I hope that you understand that in some cases what once was can be...again.
I know things about you that you don't recognize. I understand parts and pieces. I remember how that first time you practically attacked me and threw me down on the bed. Good memories, wonder if we'll add to them.
Ok crazy woman of mine, I am back. Yes, I called you crazy and woman of mine. We are both crazy, you and I. That is how I see it and since you don't write, call or comment I am free to say whatever I want.
It is kind of refreshing not having to fight to get a word in edgewise. As Groucho Marx said you must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle. ;)
It is a bit after 1 am and I am awake...again. These two songs played on iTunes tonight and so my dear seventies girl I thought that I would share them with you. But before I do, do you remember seeing this as a kid?
So much more to say and so much more to share, but it is a bit late and I think that I'll save some of this for later. But for now I'll say that you are my favorite air sucker and I don't believe the lines you have been feeding me. MLBF, alone and apart but still standing.
I don't recall if I ever shared this song with you or if I have listened to it by myself. Came through on my iTunes right after this one
Call me delusional, stupid, loser..whatever. My shoulders are broad enough to take a lot. I prove that to myself every day- not that it matters.
I miss my best friend. I miss the girl who laughed at my jokes and the woman who supported me. I miss knowing that there never has been a better pairing or tighter team than you and I.
My heart has been torn from chest and pulled through my rib cage. I am not who I was and not quite sure who I am now. Some days I feel like an empty shell and I wonder if you miss me. Wonder if you shed any tears over all of this or just walked away without a second thought.
Most of the time I am quite confident that your visits here are proof positive that you once loved a boy who looked an awful lot like me. Most of the time I think that you cut off contact because it got to be too hard and you can't deal with it.
I understand that. There are moments where I think that I will never show my face here again and that this will finally dissolve into dust and memories of the king and queen who wandered through the forest.
But I never quite get to that point. Never quite get there because something draws me back and I can't quite figure that out. I have told you a million times before that no one has ever captured my heart like you did.
Maybe it is because I never saw you coming. Maybe it is because of a million other reasons- I don't know if it matters.
Sometimes I dream about you. Sometimes I dream about holding you in my arms again and what it would feel like to kiss you. Sometimes I dream about making love to you again and wonder if you aren't afraid of the pressure that I have created.
Sometimes I think that you are afraid that I have made you into something you're not and that you stay away because you fear the consequences.
All I can say about that is I see/saw you differently- perfect in your imperfections.
maybe I am feeling more sentimental because of all of the changes- not really sure nor do I care. At the moment I am just going with it.
Perhaps we'll never talk again. Perhaps we have used up all the magic that was given to us- but my heart says no. And I think that part of me is afraid that I will always love you and part of me loves that.
So my dearest June, I love you and hope that you are well. Take care of yourself and remember that your body is still my playground but what I love the most is your mind.
My grandfather died two weeks ago. It feels so very strange not to have grandparents any more. I have memories, boy do I have memories but the people who lived them with me are gone.
This is the sort of conversation that I sometimes miss having with you. These philosophical discussions about life. Even though you are short, illogical and unreasonable they were fun to have.
The soundtrack to Slumdog Millionaire is playing in the background. Sometimes I think of you and that movie. There is much more to say but I seem to be lacking the energy to say it. Curiosity my ass.
