Dear Sweet Girl With The Radiant Smile,
No good updates to give right now, but not necessarily bad updates either. I am busting my ass to make something happen and trying to just operate in that middle zone of calm. Last night I came across a listing for a gig that appears to be right in my wheelhouse so I sent over an application.
The funny thing to me is that when it ended up in my inbox I immediately recognized the area. It is located down the street from the restaurant we hit for my birthday, not too far away from where the Misters Hall and Johnson meet.
Looked at that and thought about how there was a time I had no idea that I could skip through the glade to my target and find myself in places that had been foreign but now feel so very familiar. Haven't heard a word from these people and I might not hear anything so there is nothing to report other than it made me smile to realize I knew where I was looking.
Been looking in multiple places both near and far and haven't got anything other than my gut feel about where I am going to end up. If I told you I have no interest in your legs being wrapped around me would you believe me?
Hell, I can't even say it with a straight face. :) Who knows what will happen in this crazy mystery called life. I am just doing my best to enjoy the ride and with a bit of luck soon you'll enjoy my ride. Probably wouldn't surprise my baby to hear that I have 15 gallons of the go go juice ready and waiting for you.
I might ask if I can kiss you. I might ask if I can make love to you. But ultimately I am not really asking. Does that make me a bad man. Hell, who can worry about that now. Just give me your hand woman, I would feel better holding it.
You know I love you.
Visibility
Planning
I have plans for what to do to and with you. So don't expect me to disappear, die or go away any time soon.
The Magic 8 ball says it is certain and you can't argue with that.
Still Standing
Dear June,
It has been a very long week, I touched upon some of it in the post just before this but my cousin passing isn't all of it. None of what is dragging me down is particularly new and maybe that is part of why I feel so worn out.
You probably won't be surprised to see or hear how I picture things. Probably won't surprise you if I said I feel like I am being asked to stand still while I get punched...repeatedly. Don't know why I visualize things as I do, it is just how it is.
Maybe it is ego. Maybe it is too big an ego or maybe it is something else, not really sure and don't know if it matters. What I do know is that I am frustrated because it feels like every time I start to gain ground and get back to standing in the sunshine something smacks me in the mouth and says "you don't get this."
But I never have believed any of it. I may get punched but I only know how to stand and keep going. It is how I was raised. Shit happens and you just deal with it because there are no other choices. It is like Churchill says, "if you find yourself in hell keep going."
I would characterize this time as being in hell but I am still going because there is no going back there is only going through, only one way to the other side. But it doesn't mean there aren't moments where I just want to go lie down at the pool and do nothing but feel the sun upon my back. Nor am I going to say I never look at what other people seem to have and wonder how they always seem to have such an easy time. I am not referring to you, just other people I see.
And I look back at the last nine or ten months and I see such a mixed bag. I accomplished so much, came so damn far but it didn't stop/prevent some of the shittiest moments I can think of. Some of the crap that happened to me is simply shocking because of who was involved. I never expected it and I am still angry about it.
I try not to carry my anger about these things because it doesn't change anything. Doesn't turn the crap into gold but I still want to scream about it but I don't and I won't. It is not because I fear doing so but if it won't change anything there is no benefit to it.
And that is why I want to let go of the anger. I won't just forget the crap but if there is no benefit it is the sort of luggage I don't need to hang on to.
Got a list of what I need and what I want. Doing my best to prepare a 'proper' roadmap so that I can make them all happen and like I said, I have faith that I will get there. I always do and this time won't be any different but there are those moments where it feels like it is taking forever.
So here I am saying yet again, if you ask me what life will be like in 5 years I can give you a very general description but not as many details as I might like. Part of me appreciates that because it is exciting. It is just this exceptional opportunity and part of me wishes I could see all the details because it would help me relax.
I guess for the time being I'll keep walking the tightrope and do my best not to fall off of the damn cliff again. You know the problem with falling off?
It's not death or anything that grim.
The problem is that I seem to bounce off of every outcropping of rock along the way. Nothing like bruising the fuck out of your body but the good news I just pick my ass up and start walking again. And now I'll end this post here and let you resume your evening.
Got to pack, going away for the weekend.
It has been a very long week, I touched upon some of it in the post just before this but my cousin passing isn't all of it. None of what is dragging me down is particularly new and maybe that is part of why I feel so worn out.
You probably won't be surprised to see or hear how I picture things. Probably won't surprise you if I said I feel like I am being asked to stand still while I get punched...repeatedly. Don't know why I visualize things as I do, it is just how it is.
Maybe it is ego. Maybe it is too big an ego or maybe it is something else, not really sure and don't know if it matters. What I do know is that I am frustrated because it feels like every time I start to gain ground and get back to standing in the sunshine something smacks me in the mouth and says "you don't get this."
But I never have believed any of it. I may get punched but I only know how to stand and keep going. It is how I was raised. Shit happens and you just deal with it because there are no other choices. It is like Churchill says, "if you find yourself in hell keep going."
I would characterize this time as being in hell but I am still going because there is no going back there is only going through, only one way to the other side. But it doesn't mean there aren't moments where I just want to go lie down at the pool and do nothing but feel the sun upon my back. Nor am I going to say I never look at what other people seem to have and wonder how they always seem to have such an easy time. I am not referring to you, just other people I see.
And I look back at the last nine or ten months and I see such a mixed bag. I accomplished so much, came so damn far but it didn't stop/prevent some of the shittiest moments I can think of. Some of the crap that happened to me is simply shocking because of who was involved. I never expected it and I am still angry about it.
I try not to carry my anger about these things because it doesn't change anything. Doesn't turn the crap into gold but I still want to scream about it but I don't and I won't. It is not because I fear doing so but if it won't change anything there is no benefit to it.
And that is why I want to let go of the anger. I won't just forget the crap but if there is no benefit it is the sort of luggage I don't need to hang on to.
Got a list of what I need and what I want. Doing my best to prepare a 'proper' roadmap so that I can make them all happen and like I said, I have faith that I will get there. I always do and this time won't be any different but there are those moments where it feels like it is taking forever.
So here I am saying yet again, if you ask me what life will be like in 5 years I can give you a very general description but not as many details as I might like. Part of me appreciates that because it is exciting. It is just this exceptional opportunity and part of me wishes I could see all the details because it would help me relax.
I guess for the time being I'll keep walking the tightrope and do my best not to fall off of the damn cliff again. You know the problem with falling off?
It's not death or anything that grim.
The problem is that I seem to bounce off of every outcropping of rock along the way. Nothing like bruising the fuck out of your body but the good news I just pick my ass up and start walking again. And now I'll end this post here and let you resume your evening.
Got to pack, going away for the weekend.
Keeping You In The Loop
My cousin died yesterday. It wasn't unexpected but I am still sad about it. Debated about whether to keep you in the loop about it and here is what I came up with.
Under 'normal' circumstances I would keep you posted about everything just as I think you would do for me. However given the current status I figured I would let you enjoy your vacation. While I am sad the honest truth is we weren't very close. Her death brings up other issues and as a parent I feel horribly for hers because no one should bury a child.
But it seems wrong not to share this with you so I am 'balancing' things by doing so here. You'll see that I kept you posted and I'll feel like I didn't impose upon your vacation. If I felt like I had to lean on you for this I would have no problem reaching out, but it is not one of those situations.
Anyway, you are a pain in my ass but I do love you so here I am. Hope you are having fun. One of these days I need to see if those bagels you talk about are decent.
Under 'normal' circumstances I would keep you posted about everything just as I think you would do for me. However given the current status I figured I would let you enjoy your vacation. While I am sad the honest truth is we weren't very close. Her death brings up other issues and as a parent I feel horribly for hers because no one should bury a child.
But it seems wrong not to share this with you so I am 'balancing' things by doing so here. You'll see that I kept you posted and I'll feel like I didn't impose upon your vacation. If I felt like I had to lean on you for this I would have no problem reaching out, but it is not one of those situations.
Anyway, you are a pain in my ass but I do love you so here I am. Hope you are having fun. One of these days I need to see if those bagels you talk about are decent.
I Feel It In My Bones
I may yet be back in time to celebrate from afar. Can't guarantee, don't have any specific details to share.
Just a feeling that I'll be back.
Guess we'll find out if that is hope or reality.
Want to hold my hand and watch a movie? Or should I just give you the kind of big hug that you can lost in.
Just a feeling that I'll be back.
Guess we'll find out if that is hope or reality.
Want to hold my hand and watch a movie? Or should I just give you the kind of big hug that you can lost in.
Bad Movie
I had to get away from the 'puter for a few and watched a bad movie called Homeland. There was a scene in which Winona Ryder was taken from behind.
It was filmed from a distance so all I could see was her bending over and long dark hair. It made me think of you.
We need to do it. I want to make love to you but I want to just have you and since that body is mine....
Left Out But Not Forgotten
Dear Juneleh,
I have been thinking about family events, both past and present and it is sort of bittersweet because it is hard not to think about what could have been.
Most of the time I am good about not getting lost in those thoughts. Most of the time I don't think about the kids we might have had together and the family moments that didn't happen but sometimes I kind of enjoy thinking about it.
Not for the purpose of being sad or trying to make myself feel that way either but because I figured out long ago that you and I had something different, special, meaningful and magnificent. I knew it in my heart and then I got to see much of played out and proven in real life.
I remember a moment last December when you told me you felt left out and I felt badly because I understood it and I knew there was a chance I might feel the same way. I have and I do, a bit. Don't misunderstand what I am saying, I am not trying to rain on the parade.
You should be proud and you should have nothing but joy from this time. I would be sad if you didn't. But I think one of the strengths of whatever this thing is between us is the roots of honesty. Our ability to speak our minds and say what we think.
Sometimes it doesn't come out precisely the way we want. Sometimes it is awkward and uncomfortable but what I noticed long ago is that we always move past it. My guess is you would agree with me that we have the chemistry to spend endless amounts of time together and not get irritated the way we might/do with others.
To reiterate what I have said many times before, I love you and can't remember any more when I didn't.
I don't worry about our future though I really do believe there is one I know sometimes life can fool us. But I go with the default setting here and listen to my heart which says to just do what is required until the opportunity to look at a change comes.
And that also means that even if I can't celebrate the moments with you in the way I might like it doesn't mean I can't celebrate them or be happy for you. I hope you know that and god willing one day soon I'll show you.
I have been thinking about family events, both past and present and it is sort of bittersweet because it is hard not to think about what could have been.
Most of the time I am good about not getting lost in those thoughts. Most of the time I don't think about the kids we might have had together and the family moments that didn't happen but sometimes I kind of enjoy thinking about it.
Not for the purpose of being sad or trying to make myself feel that way either but because I figured out long ago that you and I had something different, special, meaningful and magnificent. I knew it in my heart and then I got to see much of played out and proven in real life.
I remember a moment last December when you told me you felt left out and I felt badly because I understood it and I knew there was a chance I might feel the same way. I have and I do, a bit. Don't misunderstand what I am saying, I am not trying to rain on the parade.
You should be proud and you should have nothing but joy from this time. I would be sad if you didn't. But I think one of the strengths of whatever this thing is between us is the roots of honesty. Our ability to speak our minds and say what we think.
Sometimes it doesn't come out precisely the way we want. Sometimes it is awkward and uncomfortable but what I noticed long ago is that we always move past it. My guess is you would agree with me that we have the chemistry to spend endless amounts of time together and not get irritated the way we might/do with others.
To reiterate what I have said many times before, I love you and can't remember any more when I didn't.
I don't worry about our future though I really do believe there is one I know sometimes life can fool us. But I go with the default setting here and listen to my heart which says to just do what is required until the opportunity to look at a change comes.
And that also means that even if I can't celebrate the moments with you in the way I might like it doesn't mean I can't celebrate them or be happy for you. I hope you know that and god willing one day soon I'll show you.
About That 10k
BTW my dearest Juneleh,
When we travel I expect to make sure we break in the beds, rooms, states and countries we see. If you know what I am saying.
If you were close I'd have you this evening. No saying no, no old lady excuses, you definitely are never too tired. I know better.
When we travel I expect to make sure we break in the beds, rooms, states and countries we see. If you know what I am saying.
If you were close I'd have you this evening. No saying no, no old lady excuses, you definitely are never too tired. I know better.
Traveling With You
Hi baby,
I keep thinking about your trip. I am so excited for you and if I could I would go with you in a heartbeat. It would be so much fun.
One of these days we'll go. It will be one of many places we visit and one of many experiences we'll share. I feel it in my bones.
Speaking of feelings, I would like to feel your lips pressed against mine.
I keep thinking about your trip. I am so excited for you and if I could I would go with you in a heartbeat. It would be so much fun.
One of these days we'll go. It will be one of many places we visit and one of many experiences we'll share. I feel it in my bones.
Speaking of feelings, I would like to feel your lips pressed against mine.
Starting Over
Sometimes I think about starting over because it feels like I have so little to show for all I have done.
I look around and wonder what it would be like to have that chance but I always say no because there are more good things on my ledger than bad.
But there are moments where I have a hard time remembering that and I have to focus on the list of accomplishments.
I never saw myself as a complete fuck up, always found a way to make things work. But I'm tired now like I have never been and I just ache.
One day this will be history and I'll have years of stability to look back upon. I know what I need and want.
Working on making things happen just wish I wasn't forced to do everything the hard way.
Makes me angry but sometimes anger is my friend.
I need a massage.
I Wanted To Unload
Look, a second post written this weekend.
My hands are shaking now because adrenaline is surging through them. This blogger posted something on Facebook about how the fighting won't stop until Israel and the Pals both love their children.
Dude went on to claim that the body count made it clear who was right and who wasn't. Well I have never liked this fucker so I took him to task immediately.
He came back at me and said he holds a degree in Poli Sci and one international relations and has written more papers about the ME than he cares to remember not to mention his mother is Jewish.
Baby, I tore into him and I would have completely destroyed him but the guy who started the topic deleted the thread. I really wanted to nail this motherfucker. I suppose it is fair to say that because I don't like him and I am already irritated I might have really aimed for his throat but fuck!
This namby pamby bullshit that is being peddled out there about body counts is going to get more people killed and I won't have it. I can't speak as honestly as I want on my page now because of my situation but I can only give so much.
Fucking assholes. Wish I could slap that pasty faced fuck and his worthless degrees. Do people really fall for that crap. A degree won't change the facts, won't fix a flawed theorem or make 2+2 equal 7.
Damn, I hate being cut off like that.
My hands are shaking now because adrenaline is surging through them. This blogger posted something on Facebook about how the fighting won't stop until Israel and the Pals both love their children.
Dude went on to claim that the body count made it clear who was right and who wasn't. Well I have never liked this fucker so I took him to task immediately.
He came back at me and said he holds a degree in Poli Sci and one international relations and has written more papers about the ME than he cares to remember not to mention his mother is Jewish.
Baby, I tore into him and I would have completely destroyed him but the guy who started the topic deleted the thread. I really wanted to nail this motherfucker. I suppose it is fair to say that because I don't like him and I am already irritated I might have really aimed for his throat but fuck!
This namby pamby bullshit that is being peddled out there about body counts is going to get more people killed and I won't have it. I can't speak as honestly as I want on my page now because of my situation but I can only give so much.
Fucking assholes. Wish I could slap that pasty faced fuck and his worthless degrees. Do people really fall for that crap. A degree won't change the facts, won't fix a flawed theorem or make 2+2 equal 7.
Damn, I hate being cut off like that.
