Dear Juneleh,
Looks like we are doing our thing, the one where we circle each other and dance. I tease you about animal magnetism and do that thing where I pull your ponytail.
Sometimes you respond with anger and sometimes it is not real anger. Sometimes it is just sexual tension. Sometimes the thought of whether my hands should be on your hips or holding your head is the unspoken idea.
The tension of staring, thinking and wondering. Should we let our guard down and make love or just fuck.
Memories rise from the depths and I feel your mind, heart and body respond to mine. I think about what it would be like to take you. Think about reminding you how to submit and be dominated as well as to engage in real partnership.
Everything is different and nothing has changed. The great contradiction of knowing the potential we share and the question of whether we will ignore it and move on or follow it.
I know I saw a birthday greeting from you but it disappeared. I don't know what happened because I didn't touch it. I never got to say thank you or acknowledge it, but I do appreciate it.
Life's a hell of a ride, isn't it.
Visibility
Experiences
Dear June,
When we first moved from just 'talking' about our history into the things we wanted to do with and to each other you told me I would love your lips. "They'll feel like pillows."
You were right, they did...everywhere or so I recall.
It is possible I might have forgotten or become confused so if you want to show me I might consider letting you.
Or maybe I might say no because I have taken a vow of chastity and become a monk.
I could say more and maybe one day I will. I make no predictions here, but I will promise you have never had a better hug than mine.
There is a solid reason for that.
Anyway, I have a million miles to cover and some things can't be shared here...today.
When we first moved from just 'talking' about our history into the things we wanted to do with and to each other you told me I would love your lips. "They'll feel like pillows."
You were right, they did...everywhere or so I recall.
It is possible I might have forgotten or become confused so if you want to show me I might consider letting you.
Or maybe I might say no because I have taken a vow of chastity and become a monk.
I could say more and maybe one day I will. I make no predictions here, but I will promise you have never had a better hug than mine.
There is a solid reason for that.
Anyway, I have a million miles to cover and some things can't be shared here...today.
June, June, June
Dear June,
There is no snow upon the ground but I sometimes wonder if it lies upon our hearts.
Been so much going on in my life I wonder how I manage to lift my head and enjoy the warmth of the son upon my face.
And then I remember, I do it because I don't know any other way.
I can feel myself changing and I wonder where it leads and what it will lead to.
So many challenges overcome and so many still ahead.
Sometimes I swear I feel you thinking about walking into my arms and sometimes I think it is just the dreams of a crazy man.
Sometimes I think many things and say nothing because silence and I have become close friends.
This aging thing isn't easy. I work out twice as hard for half the gains and enjoy strange aches and pains.
But I feel and see progress.
I had to visit a hotel we once spent time in.
It made me smile, the memories.
The guy I was with asked me why I was smiling and I told him the memories were good. He said they must have been amazing because I had a Cheshire Cat grin.
I told him they got better as time went on.
He told me he hoped I could make new ones and I said that is a good toast for us all.
The future is bright, even if it is a little bit scary.
My eyes are wide open. I see possibility.
10,000 Letters
Someone must have received 10,000 letters from an old fool who knows not what he does or doesn't do. A guy who suspects that the right combination of words will be a catalyst for something he doesn't quite understand.
So he writes his words down upon the page and wonders if she hears them and if maybe she feels them too. He suspects he is right but anticipates he'll be told he is wrong. Maybe it is to protect himself or maybe it is because it is possible.
But every time he ever thinks he knows or understands something happens that makes him figure he doesn't understand a damn thing.
Will time provide answers or leave him with questions? He doesn't know.
All he knows is he wonders what would happen if lips met lips cuz it scares him a little bit to think about it in the all the right and wrong ways.
Cuz he is not sure there has ever been a bad kiss or that it ever felt awkward and that throws him a little bit. Do you leave that alone and let the moss grow upon it or do you engage in science and determine as Neal Degrasse Tyson would whether hypothesis meets reality.
Maybe letter writing is mental masturbation and maybe it is something far more. Who can say.
So he writes his words down upon the page and wonders if she hears them and if maybe she feels them too. He suspects he is right but anticipates he'll be told he is wrong. Maybe it is to protect himself or maybe it is because it is possible.
But every time he ever thinks he knows or understands something happens that makes him figure he doesn't understand a damn thing.
Will time provide answers or leave him with questions? He doesn't know.
All he knows is he wonders what would happen if lips met lips cuz it scares him a little bit to think about it in the all the right and wrong ways.
Cuz he is not sure there has ever been a bad kiss or that it ever felt awkward and that throws him a little bit. Do you leave that alone and let the moss grow upon it or do you engage in science and determine as Neal Degrasse Tyson would whether hypothesis meets reality.
Maybe letter writing is mental masturbation and maybe it is something far more. Who can say.
Dreams
Dearest June,
My dreams are vivid and sometimes when I wake it takes a moment for me to figure out where they start and where they stop because they feel so real.
I hear the echoes of the voices of those who were with me, smell their scent and feel their touch. I lie in bed, sometimes eyes open, sometimes eyes closed and take a moment to let it all settle inside my mind.
Occasionally I am certain what happened is a preface or prelude to other things that will be. You may think me crazy, but I have dreamt of being with you more than once and some of those times did come true.
You may see we love or loved each other so deeply and passionately there wasn't anything special about it and perhaps you are right. But perhaps I am too.
Maybe both can be true.
Had another one of those not so long ago, only remember pieces, fragments of images and mostly go off that crazy gut feeling of mine.
So here I sit staring out the window wondering whether what I see, feel and think is likely to go in particular and specific directions. At times I feel so much like it is just me against the world and then again I feel like I have a ton of support.
Maybe both can be true here too.
Something tells me it won't be long before I get some answers. Something tells me I am going to get to experience some serious highs and some serious lows. I'd prefer to be in the middle, but we don't always get that chance.
I'd tell you I want a hug and maybe something else but you already assume that so I'll just leave it unsaid and let you wonder if I am leaving it to your imagination or something else.
I need to stop fighting online with some of these Trump supporters, They are too fucking stupid to see reality, but I am too dumb to just leave it alone thinking that maybe I'll reach one or two fence sitters and push them back towards the light and away from the dark side.
-Johnny
My dreams are vivid and sometimes when I wake it takes a moment for me to figure out where they start and where they stop because they feel so real.
I hear the echoes of the voices of those who were with me, smell their scent and feel their touch. I lie in bed, sometimes eyes open, sometimes eyes closed and take a moment to let it all settle inside my mind.
Occasionally I am certain what happened is a preface or prelude to other things that will be. You may think me crazy, but I have dreamt of being with you more than once and some of those times did come true.
You may see we love or loved each other so deeply and passionately there wasn't anything special about it and perhaps you are right. But perhaps I am too.
Maybe both can be true.
Had another one of those not so long ago, only remember pieces, fragments of images and mostly go off that crazy gut feeling of mine.
So here I sit staring out the window wondering whether what I see, feel and think is likely to go in particular and specific directions. At times I feel so much like it is just me against the world and then again I feel like I have a ton of support.
Maybe both can be true here too.
Something tells me it won't be long before I get some answers. Something tells me I am going to get to experience some serious highs and some serious lows. I'd prefer to be in the middle, but we don't always get that chance.
I'd tell you I want a hug and maybe something else but you already assume that so I'll just leave it unsaid and let you wonder if I am leaving it to your imagination or something else.
I need to stop fighting online with some of these Trump supporters, They are too fucking stupid to see reality, but I am too dumb to just leave it alone thinking that maybe I'll reach one or two fence sitters and push them back towards the light and away from the dark side.
-Johnny
Face To Face
Should I tell you what I think would happen if we were alone and face-to-face or should I let you guess what you think I think will happen.
You probably think it is something about love or sex or sex and love.
Could be.
Could be something different.
I could surprise you. That might be how you ended up naked once.
Or maybe you surprised me and that is how I ended up naked.
Someone once said that they don't like getting naked as a middle aged person. It sort of bothers me because I know what I once looked like and how I want to look.
But getting naked on that deeper level is far more interesting and far more frightening to me. It is a flame that makes me run away and pulls me closer all at the same time.
I wonder if you remember my scent.
I wonder if scent drives people--not perfume/cologne but something like pheromones that we may not necessarily know we are smelling.
Depth is what I seek more than anything else.
That castle was deep and the residents were too.
Shallow is dull and mundane.
If you can't push to reach the deeper places you miss out. Stuck somewhere between Neruda, Marlowe and Kipling I hear a million echoes
My eyes close, memories flow through it, a raging river of thoughts and ideas asking for decisions to be made.
You probably think it is something about love or sex or sex and love.
Could be.
Could be something different.
I could surprise you. That might be how you ended up naked once.
Or maybe you surprised me and that is how I ended up naked.
Someone once said that they don't like getting naked as a middle aged person. It sort of bothers me because I know what I once looked like and how I want to look.
But getting naked on that deeper level is far more interesting and far more frightening to me. It is a flame that makes me run away and pulls me closer all at the same time.
I wonder if you remember my scent.
I wonder if scent drives people--not perfume/cologne but something like pheromones that we may not necessarily know we are smelling.
Depth is what I seek more than anything else.
That castle was deep and the residents were too.
Shallow is dull and mundane.
If you can't push to reach the deeper places you miss out. Stuck somewhere between Neruda, Marlowe and Kipling I hear a million echoes
“I love you only because it's you the one I love; I hate you deeply, and hating you Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.”
"And I will make thee beds of Roses And a thousand fragrant posies, A cap of flowers, and a kirtle Embroidered all with leaves of Myrtle;"
"NOW this is the law of the jungle, as old and as true as the sky, And the wolf that shall keep it may prosper, but the wolf that shall break it must die. As the creeper that girdles the tree trunk, the law runneth forward and back; For the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack."This and that floats through my head and I remember I could be a poet, the ability is within-all that remains is the choice to do so.
My eyes close, memories flow through it, a raging river of thoughts and ideas asking for decisions to be made.
June In Spring
Dear June,
I play around with texting or calling you and asking you out to just talk about life. There are moments when I miss you terribly and I can't help but believe you miss us too.
I don't ever question my ability to reach you via my online words because I know you will always appreciate my writing. I know if nothing else you'll be one of my biggest fans there.
But let's put all that aside and say I understand people change and that things change. I understand I could be off on lots of things and the fucking lunatic. But I also know you called me the love of your life and that you don't just say things.
So I am certain you love me, might not be in love but love me nonetheless. Hell, that won't ever change for me. I'll always love you, is it in love now? Hell if I know. I frankly keep that door mostly closed.
But I also know for me the fire could start pretty quickly and I suspect it could for you too. Maybe we'll find out and maybe we'll never know. You taught me more than a decade ago that I can't predict or control much. All I can do is walk my path and see where it leads.
So as much as I want to get the answer to whether kissing you will provide an immediate electric shock for both of us I will sit still and see how life unfolds.
*****
All that aside I know you understand what it is like to have a sick parent. Given the very bad situation I stare at now I wonder if I offered enough support when you were going through it with your dad. I hope you feel like I did because it is brutal.
So sometimes when I think of calling I think about prefacing it by saying I just want to talk about sick parents and how strange it is to see the strongest men we know deteriorate in ways we never believed possible.
It is probably why I have begun pushing myself harder to reclaim certain aspects of myself. I can't stomach the idea of being incapable of doing some things. I am so much less physically than I once was but that is a guy who had no responsibilities and spent two hours a day working out.
So I can give myself a break and say I don't have to be who I was at 20 but I can be close. I can put myself in a position where age won't take it all away. Or at least I think I can.
I can't say for certain without experiencing it, guess I can do my best and hope it is enough.
That is all we have got.
*****
I play around with texting or calling you and asking you out to just talk about life. There are moments when I miss you terribly and I can't help but believe you miss us too.
I don't ever question my ability to reach you via my online words because I know you will always appreciate my writing. I know if nothing else you'll be one of my biggest fans there.
But let's put all that aside and say I understand people change and that things change. I understand I could be off on lots of things and the fucking lunatic. But I also know you called me the love of your life and that you don't just say things.
So I am certain you love me, might not be in love but love me nonetheless. Hell, that won't ever change for me. I'll always love you, is it in love now? Hell if I know. I frankly keep that door mostly closed.
But I also know for me the fire could start pretty quickly and I suspect it could for you too. Maybe we'll find out and maybe we'll never know. You taught me more than a decade ago that I can't predict or control much. All I can do is walk my path and see where it leads.
So as much as I want to get the answer to whether kissing you will provide an immediate electric shock for both of us I will sit still and see how life unfolds.
*****
All that aside I know you understand what it is like to have a sick parent. Given the very bad situation I stare at now I wonder if I offered enough support when you were going through it with your dad. I hope you feel like I did because it is brutal.
So sometimes when I think of calling I think about prefacing it by saying I just want to talk about sick parents and how strange it is to see the strongest men we know deteriorate in ways we never believed possible.
It is probably why I have begun pushing myself harder to reclaim certain aspects of myself. I can't stomach the idea of being incapable of doing some things. I am so much less physically than I once was but that is a guy who had no responsibilities and spent two hours a day working out.
So I can give myself a break and say I don't have to be who I was at 20 but I can be close. I can put myself in a position where age won't take it all away. Or at least I think I can.
I can't say for certain without experiencing it, guess I can do my best and hope it is enough.
That is all we have got.
*****
Can't believe how big our kids have gotten and how close we are to entering the next phase. Funny to think about how that is going to happen regardless of any choices we make. Funny to see these babies become real people who make choices about what and who they want to be.
It has gone so very fast and it is not going to slow down. Been a hell of a ride and who the fuck knows where it is going to lead. I sure don't. Got some ideas but all they are ideas.
Time for me to get back to some things. Life has been really fucking good and really fucking hard. Good thing I am stubborn enough to not just give up and smart enough to understand I know nothing. That combination seems to work.
And now I have been far more open than I ever planned or expected to be in this post. Shit, I was surprised again. Ain't life a hoot.
-Johnny
Who Needs Sleep
Hi June,
Think I got 3 hours of sleep last night, if that and it wasn't consecutive. To say I feel like hell isn't an understatement. I am sure I look like it too. If you propositioned me today I might even say no.
I don't know if anything would work down there, the headache I have now makes it hard to focus upon anything. But it does occur to me that we are looking at at around 15 or 16 years of 'knowing' each other. That is a trip, hard to believe.
Hoping my head clears up, got to get on a plane. Pancreatic cancer is a bitch and we're not sure what sort of treatment might be possible, if any. Sucks, but what can you do but hope the old man fools the docs again.
He did it before, maybe it will happen again. I am not real hopeful, but hopeful nonetheless. And regardless heading out to spend time with him. I don't want to join this club of people missing a parent or both.
Guess I have no choice, sooner or later...
Hope I can sleep tonight and that this is like a 24 hour bug or something. So irritated and angry.
Think I got 3 hours of sleep last night, if that and it wasn't consecutive. To say I feel like hell isn't an understatement. I am sure I look like it too. If you propositioned me today I might even say no.
I don't know if anything would work down there, the headache I have now makes it hard to focus upon anything. But it does occur to me that we are looking at at around 15 or 16 years of 'knowing' each other. That is a trip, hard to believe.
Hoping my head clears up, got to get on a plane. Pancreatic cancer is a bitch and we're not sure what sort of treatment might be possible, if any. Sucks, but what can you do but hope the old man fools the docs again.
He did it before, maybe it will happen again. I am not real hopeful, but hopeful nonetheless. And regardless heading out to spend time with him. I don't want to join this club of people missing a parent or both.
Guess I have no choice, sooner or later...
Hope I can sleep tonight and that this is like a 24 hour bug or something. So irritated and angry.
Heart Ache and Heart Break
Dear Juneleh,
Not entirely sure why I called you Juneleh since we don't have much going on these days but it feels right. Hell if I know why it feels right but I try not to question some things.
Does it make a difference what I call you? Maybe yes, maybe no and I am too tired to engage in that sort of mental masturbation.
Got a little heart ache and a little heart break going on right now. Medical issues that are beyond my control and uncertainty that is making me a little crazy. Waiting to get some more details and information so that we can figure out what is going on.
Thing is that there is little reason to believe it is going to be good news in the sense that it is curable. At best it is probably treatable and those options are highly limited. That leads to much uncertainty and not knowing is in many ways harder than knowing, at least for me it is.
Some diseases aren't things we can beat today they are just monsters we can beat back for a while. I am not ready for some of this but I don't think we ever are ready. Maybe there are situations where we say the end is good because it provides relief and or because we don't see quality of life.
We are not there and I don't know if it will get there. I hope not.
But in some ways it doesn't matter.
The men in my family have long said life is terminal for all of us and it is not a question of if but when.
There was a conversation in which I heard an acceptance of possibilities and that was hard to hear but I get it. Doesn't mean that there will be no fight or push to change things, but I knew that tone of voice because I heard my grandfather say it too.
So it goes down the line and I suppose there will be a time when I voice it as well.
Still I know from experience not to bet against my line. We're hardy folks, strong willed and people who have experienced things that prove truth is stranger than fiction.
Time will tell the story and maybe I will too...or not.
As we get older I see and feel more changes. I am less tolerant of some things and more of others. More willing to go for broke on some stuff and less on others.
The great contradiction of life.
In the brief moments we have we have to reach out and try to grab the prizes we see and strive for those we can't.
I do both.
And now it is time to stop rambling and resume my place outside of this joint to wait and see what comes next.
I hate waiting.
Curious
Dear June,
One day you and I are going to have another conversation...in person.
I make no predictions here about what will happen but haven't any problem saying I have my ideas. Been wrong about many things and right about many others which probably sounds like I am straddling the fence.
Not really what I am looking to do or as much fun as being straddled, but such is life.
If I told you that I don't remember every enjoying kissing someone as much as I like kissing you and wanted to test it out to see if that is just memory or reality would you think of it as an excuse to get in your pants.
Or as I almost typed, paints. Would you think of it as an excuse to get in your paints and believe I am trying to give you the greatest painting ever painted. Maybe yes, maybe no. Life is a funny sort of thing.
Anyway, life is more than funny now, it is a riot filled with the greatest roller coaster moments a guy could ask. But I am finding ways to minimize those or at least roll with them.
BTW, had I gotten seriously hurt and found myself in desperate need of help I might have called you or I might not have. I am sure if I told you I was desperate you would lend a hand, but I can't guarantee I would actually call because you made it clear you wanted distance so I did my best to give it to you.
Can't help that sometimes those fucking bells go off and we hear things.
Yeah, I am crazy, so what. We are all a little bit nuts and that is ok. It is a question of whether you can control your own behavior and I do.
One day you and I are going to have another conversation...in person.
I make no predictions here about what will happen but haven't any problem saying I have my ideas. Been wrong about many things and right about many others which probably sounds like I am straddling the fence.
Not really what I am looking to do or as much fun as being straddled, but such is life.
If I told you that I don't remember every enjoying kissing someone as much as I like kissing you and wanted to test it out to see if that is just memory or reality would you think of it as an excuse to get in your pants.
Or as I almost typed, paints. Would you think of it as an excuse to get in your paints and believe I am trying to give you the greatest painting ever painted. Maybe yes, maybe no. Life is a funny sort of thing.
Anyway, life is more than funny now, it is a riot filled with the greatest roller coaster moments a guy could ask. But I am finding ways to minimize those or at least roll with them.
BTW, had I gotten seriously hurt and found myself in desperate need of help I might have called you or I might not have. I am sure if I told you I was desperate you would lend a hand, but I can't guarantee I would actually call because you made it clear you wanted distance so I did my best to give it to you.
Can't help that sometimes those fucking bells go off and we hear things.
Yeah, I am crazy, so what. We are all a little bit nuts and that is ok. It is a question of whether you can control your own behavior and I do.
The Silence
Hey there June, I see you came passing through this joint and though I think it's unlikely you'll be back soon I am here to update.
Mostly to mention it's odd to me that the last few times we have seen each other you have made a point to avoid acknowledging me. I haven't made an issue of it even though it is rude 'cuz I am intrigued by it.
Not sure why anymore than I can say why your silence doesn't matter because I feel like there is communication anyway. Maybe it is because I have seen you naked and know you in the biblical sense or maybe it has nothing to do with that at all.
That is not gratuitous mention of sex or anything else 'cuz that sort of intimacy with you has always been important and meaningful to me. I'd like to believe it has with you too.
But that dirtbag attorney poking his nose around here and any of his associates that do is a minor annoyance. Not really sure why dummy would come here or what purpose is served but whatever.
He'll probably choke on a chicken bone and die. Yeah, I am a nice guy. :)
Anyway the fiction here on these pages is what it is. One of these days we will have a real conversation. Don't know how or when, just that it fits.
Mostly to mention it's odd to me that the last few times we have seen each other you have made a point to avoid acknowledging me. I haven't made an issue of it even though it is rude 'cuz I am intrigued by it.
Not sure why anymore than I can say why your silence doesn't matter because I feel like there is communication anyway. Maybe it is because I have seen you naked and know you in the biblical sense or maybe it has nothing to do with that at all.
That is not gratuitous mention of sex or anything else 'cuz that sort of intimacy with you has always been important and meaningful to me. I'd like to believe it has with you too.
But that dirtbag attorney poking his nose around here and any of his associates that do is a minor annoyance. Not really sure why dummy would come here or what purpose is served but whatever.
He'll probably choke on a chicken bone and die. Yeah, I am a nice guy. :)
Anyway the fiction here on these pages is what it is. One of these days we will have a real conversation. Don't know how or when, just that it fits.
