Summer 2023 Approaches

Dear June,

Still not certain when you will see this but figure you have kept coming here through the years so sooner or later you'll be back.

Thought about how it would feel if you spent time with someone else and it set me off far more than I could have imagined.

Think the root is I want to spend time with you and see what happens. I want to see if the magic is there as I suspect or if something has changed. It is hard to say without doing that.

We're definitely different people than we were but in many ways I see the roots and feel confident that whatever magic brought us together still exists.

So I am asking you to give me your hand and take some time to explore. Might not go the way we would hope, but it might.

Can't know if you can fly unless you take out your wings. So call me crazy or whatever, but I want you in my arms and I want to feel our lips meet again. I want to know so that I don't spend any more years wondering.

Doesn't mean I can't or won't survive if I never get answers because I will. But I know every other time you have made decisions without me and I think this is one we need to make together.

It is ten years since we last officially made love. That is long enough, we ought to give it another try.

Can we still fly?

Perhaps.

Let's find out or at least discuss it.

One more Update

Dear June,

I could write a long post about how I still remember kissing you, holding you and what it felt like to be joined together in every way possible.

I could write about how I think about watching your eyes as I enter you or as you take me in and how that just makes my heart go.

Or I could tell you again that I just want to spend time with you because I think we have unfinished business and need to find out what it is all about.

Wrote all these things before and many of them relatively recently. Kind of scary putting them on paper because it is hard to be that vulnerable.

If I go based upon your actions I can convince myself that you have no interest as easily as I can go the other direction. Obviously my gut says you want to explore that too and that is where I ultimately fall.

And I recognize that you have been going through a crazy period of time and this is not your priority. I understand it, been through my own deal. It is hard to focus on anything other than just breathing than when you are in the storm.

But for a moment there I felt you start to lean on me and to let me help carry you and I was glad to do so. It feels right and it feels easy, even if you are a pain in the ass about multiple things.

But I know I am too about some stuff and I think we can probably manage it all.

Bottom line is I would like to find out. The idea that some other guy could get a shot and I don't, well that is hard for me and that pushes me to not just idly by.

Sometimes you have to take a risk to find out what is on the other side of the rainbow.

Have no idea when you will read this as you seem to have left it lie fallow. I am not surprised, you have had your hands full.

Can't say I don't miss having you play a bigger role in my life. Can't say I can't imagine life without you but I can say I can't imagine not trying.

So here I am trying.

For the moment trying to be patient and see when you are ready for a discussion. Don't know if that is how it will play out or if things will just happen on the fly.

What I do think is we're meant to have something together and that we're connected for a reason. I really do.

Dear June

Dear June,

Been thinking about many things and one thing keeps popping up. I want to spend time with you.

There, I said it.

Time is limited and I want to get a sense of who we are now. I have a pretty distinct idea based upon the communication we have had and I think it is worth digging in a little bit.

Sometimes a moment presents itself and you need to take action. I recognize the timing might be rough and there are some complications but at this stage of life there are always going to be some sort of complication.

If we are who I suspect we are we will find a way to work together and work through them.

And if we are not, well we'll have some answers to some questions that I have wondered about for years.

Don't know if or when you will read this but I am putting it out there.

And I'll add that I wanted to kiss you when I saw you. Even though you kind of ignored me it felt very natural.

I kind of figured you would be a little stand offish just because.

Anyhow, I think we ought to give it a go and just see. Not asking for any specific commitment other than to spend some time together and see how it feels.

Destiny Comes Calling

 Dear June,

Call me crazy if you wish, but just hours before Yom Kippur begins I think we are on our way to taking another swing at bat to see what is really here between us.

Can I really say destiny comes calling?

Not sure that I can but then again, how can I not. We never imagined we would ever find each other and when we did had no idea that things would go as they did and have.

And here we are, positioned to take another look.

We're the same people in some ways and yet different in many others. Kind of exciting, kind of scary, but mostly exciting.

Don't Know When You'll Read This

 Dear June,

Don't know when you will read this but that new profile picture of you is hot. It is one of my favorites.

That is all.

Read my posts woman, you know all the places to go. :)

For Those About To Rock

 Dear Juneleh,

Updating this for the third time or so I think since you last read anything. I have intentionally given you space because I don't want you to feel any sort of pressure from me though I am not sure that is possible.

Given all that you have heard and read during the last 20 years or so I think you're probably certain I am interested in taking your body and making it sing again.

Why wouldn't I be.

Why wouldn't you be too.

Honest answer is I think you probably are but are mostly likely preoccupied with other things and there is nothing wrong with that given all that is going on. I would be surprised to hear otherwise.

Would love to know more and to offer more support but I am not certain you want that from me right now. 

I figure you will reach out when you are ready. Given time of year I suppose I ought to make the offer to take you out for your birthday.

If we talk behind the scenes I'll certainly offer there as well.

Anyway, in the interim whatever that means I am thinking about you and obviously want the best for you so I hope things are going your way. I rather expect they are given what I know about you.

So much more to talk about and catch up on...hopefully soon.

Crazy Making

Dear Juneleh,

Obviously haven't updated this since March for a bunch of reasons that I may share one day but not now. I am still waiting for more details on the bombshell you dropped on me.

So very curious and so many questions. Haven't decided how open or forward to be even though my gut tells me I can do so.

If I am right it doesn't matter and if I am wrong, it doesn't matter.

All I'll say now is I swear I feel that telephone line buzzing and it has me thinking...

Still My Girl...Maybe

It is a funny headline to write given current levels of communication, 'Still My Girl Maybe.'

Given your silence and lack of action the more likely and obvious would be 'Johnny Is Delusional' but I never operate solely off of the obvious with us. There are too many reasons and too much history for me to go solely on that.

Can't help how I feel or that I get this sense that you would be devastated if I dropped dead. That is not me being dramatic or trying to get you to react, it is a comment. If we were face-to-face I'd say it matter of fact.

To be clear, I have no reason or expectation to believe that I will so I am not trying to twist your arm with please sleep with me again because I am going to die tomorrow. If it happened it would be a bigger surprise to me than anyone else.

Not the part about you sleeping with me, that is not impossible or improbable. I know you have thought about it more than once. 

Life is pretty damn complicated sometimes and there is no simple explanation or reason for why some things happen or don't. They just are or they aren't. I suspect Covid has had a pretty big impact on some of the opportunities that may or may not have existed.

Tell me June, did you like kissing me as much as I liked kissing you. Do you not feel like that thing we had isn't totally gone and that it is more dormant than anything else. It is easier to let it be like that than to let the fire burn because then we just ache.

I could be wrong about it all. You might not have one whit of interest in me anymore. You might think the years have been unkind and that I am not interesting any more or any number of things, totally possible.

Sometimes I have wondered if that was the case but I tend not to worry or wonder much because we were never about looks. The chemistry was so much deeper and substantive, thank you Neville. ;)

Anyhoo, these are just the words of some guy who would spend time with you and walk in our world. Still no expectations but an interest and hope in exploring a few things.

Three Fingers

Dear Juneleh,

Doing the usual dance where I see you have read something here so I come back and write something new just in case you show up again. Haven't a real agenda so I might write about I fit three fingers in you or say you are going to take me in your mouth again.

Not as romantic as many things I could write but since you are silent about my words I have nothing but my gut feeling to use to decide if you find it stimulating, offensive or otherwise.

Sometimes it irks me and I think about fucking your mouth but I don't think that would really bother you. Hell, I don't think there is anything I can do to you sexually that will irk you. You like being dominated by me.

That is because you trust me and know I won't ever intentionally hurt you. Doesn't mean you don't sometimes irritate me but hell maybe I irritate you too.

Bottom line is still the same for me. That crazy connection is there and I want to know more. I want to explore it and figure out what the fuck it means. Got no guilt about it because some things just are and that is you and I.

I still think you believe it and that you want it but fuck if I know if you'll truly submit. My best guess is you will and that isn't based upon anything rational. Hell, I still don't know if you are really waiting for me to play hero and come sweep you off of your feet.

I am too fucking honest with you as it is. You know much and I know whatever I gather based upon this crazy ESP we share or maybe it is the crazy in me.

Maybe I am crazy or maybe it is something else. I'll figure it out, one way or the other. This side or the next.

Got to live and love hard or so the poets say.

No Good Reason

Dear June,

Got no good reason to write this. No good reason to share more intimate thoughts and ideas here because you read them all and say nothing. You don't say yes, you don't say no and you don't say maybe.

Don't know if it is because you have no interest, no attraction,  no desire or no clue what to do or how to do it. Got a bunch of ideas and if I go solely on what appears to be most obvious the lack of response means you don't want anything to do with it.

You're in your cave living your life and I am just a memory.

But because I am stupid, dumb, tenacious and prone to going on off of my gut I think it is more of an uncertainty about what to do. I think you want to be with me. I think you want to be manhandled by me. I think you want to get lost and lose yourself in me and our world.

And I think it scares the fuck out of you. 

I also think that you might have some sort of idea/plan that you haven't shared with me because you are waiting for certain life events to take place and pass.

But hell, I could be wrong about all of it, part of it or none of it. Fuck if I know for certain anymore.

I know I want to spend time with you and live in our world. I know I want to see as adults what that looks and feels like. And yeah, I understand it is complicated and has some difficulties. I don't want anyone to get hurt.

But I don't want to ignore the voice in my head either that has this idea that it might be a crazy idea but it is not based upon crazy.

Love doesn't just die without reason. It might fade, change or turn into warm embers but it doesn't just die without reason. We have decades together apart which doesn't translate into decades of learning we dislike each other or have no friendship.

Best friends don't just lose that. They have to actively work to kill it.

I can't say we act like best friends or that we act like lovers. I can't say we act like best friends who want to be lovers.

I can only say I see the potential because we have been there before. I think if we were alone it would be easy for you to do anything and everything. About the only thing I haven't done with you is get you pregnant and we were about ready to do that.

So maybe this means everything and maybe it means nothing to you. Maybe I can't reach you anymore and it doesn't matter whether it is because you have no interest or refuse to let me in.

But maybe I can. And maybe your heart feels mine and maybe you dream at night about possibility. Maybe you get butterflies in your stomach or things get tingly down below.

Maybe describes many things and I can do a lot with maybe if I believe it makes sense even if it is not based upon rational thought and logic.

But time is limited and we never know what can happen to with or to whom.

Got no idea if you'll read this because you know I know you were here last night or if you'll disappear.

I am just a boy asking a girl to let me hold her and kiss her while we give each other what no one else has.

And if that is all it is, a question with no answer, well I guess that is an answer to.

Life is a hell of a ride and I learned long ago that my thoughts, ideas and plans don't always work as I expect. Sometimes they fall apart and sometimes they come together in unexpected ways that were better.

I just take it as it comes as best I can and do my damndest to sail around the rocks and through the storms. Got the scars and the experiences that prove I am pretty good at it too.

Maybe we'll share more stories and experiences in person. One never knows.

Sunday Night Musing Part 69

 Dear Sweet Girl,

I don't think you have read the post before this and hell I am not sure if you are going to read this one any time soon.

But I am writing it anyway.

I hurt myself and I am not sure how. Got something weird going on with a leg and it is irritating. Not painful enough to stop me from exercising or doing what I want to do but noticeable. Can't decide if I am supposed to do nothing and see if it heals or fight through it.

Could do the usual stuff and talk about kissing you or the the different ways I want to use your body as my play toy but I'll save it for now.

I miss talking with you, really talking. Miss being close. Have said it before, am saying it again.

Think it is time to sit down in person. There is something there. Need to explore it a bit.

When things are hard who do we go looking for.