Getting Played, Promises & Whatever

Dear June,

You still hold the rank of most infuriating woman I know. I still don't buy what you are selling and any time I wonder if it is real I feel like I got played.

Can't decide if that is sour grapes on my part, anger or just looking at things with my eyes wide open.

So any time I feel the fire burning and I begin to wonder if you fooled me I start looking at the list. Yeah, the list. I have one that I made. And there are inconsistencies on it.

There are things that don't add up. I tend not to mention it or send it your way because I expect that I will get one of two reactions:

1) Anger

2) No response

Neither one of them is particularly satisfying. So I take a different tack and sail a different direction. I look at the older posts here and read the comments.

And then I look at old emails and I see the words I remember you saying and writing. It always takes the edge off and I decide that I wasn't played- not then.

I am not saying that you are trying to play me now but I still call bullshit.I still believe that if you had no desire, no interest and no thought of anything you would have disappeared completely. If I am wrong about that I really haven't lost anything because you left me long ago so what is the difference.

And if I am right, well I am not in a place yet in which I can make all of the moves that I want to make but I am getting close. So what difference does it make if it takes me a week, a month or a year longer. I can't make things move faster than they are.

Some things are outside of my control.

But that doesn't mean that I don't want to take you and have my way. Some of that is lust and some of that is love. But there is curiosity there. There is me wondering what would happen.

When you told me it has been a year I wanted to say with who but I don;'t think you would have laughed. But mostly I thought about the girl I first met who talked to me because the physical aspect of her life had fallen so far short of what she wanted and needed.

Same had happened to me. It wasn't the only thing that connected us but it was a part of the start and then all those other pieces fell into place.

I read an email from you the other day in which you told me that you were so upset because we weren't married. I told you that I would keep you barefoot and pregnant. We went back and forth in it.

I had forgotten about it but reading it brought it back. That was before things were strained. It was real. It reminded me that we were real.

So when I started writing this note I said fuck it and just wrote because the thing that made it different was that once we were best friends. You say we are friends now but I am not so sure. We aren't married, we aren't lovers and we aren't friends.

We are in some other category. Don't know what that is and I don't have to. I just know that right now I have to keep following this path I am on.

I just know that when I write to you I am going to just write because what made us different was that honesty. It was the trust and faith that we could say anything and be ok. It was that promise to never let go.

Well, I don't know what the future holds. I still say that if I can convince you to get naked again we'll learn a lot. Maybe you'll keep telling you are not interested or maybe you'll stop. We'll see.

Got to run now. Getting ready to head out on a big trip. Sometimes life is way too interesting. I am ready for something boring and routine for a while.