My Dear Sweet Juneleh,
It is Thursday morning and I feel like I am in the eye of the storm now. Listening to a cover of Band On The Run and thinking about you.
We have been to hell and back more than once and it is part of why this hurts so much but gives me confidence too. You need to know that I always ache when I know you are hurting, especially when I know I am tied into it.
But even when I am not it hurts because you mean more than I can adequately express in words. I still haven't received the final word so while I am more relaxed I am still not really breathing.
It feels like we have shared a lifetime together already and yet there is so much more to come. Obviously I can't predict the future but I can look at the past and gather some relevant data from it. I can remind you that when it looked like we done, dead, buried and gone we came back.
We came back to life, resurrected things. I think we have had some cautious moments because we have always known the power of the connection and love we share. We have let go and reeled it back in because it is scary.
Scary in a good way because when you know someone else can make you so very happy it is easy to let it happen. You want to let it happen, feels like you need it to. But when you know there are the challenges we have you try to restrain it somewhat because it is tied into doing what we think is right.
Tied into it because we know it is not just us and because we rightly are concerned about what could happen if we are not careful. It is part of what gives me faith. Some would call it spin and say I am trying to whitewash things but I don't care.
This may not be the "right" thing in the traditional sense but I see it as something that is right, magical, meaningful, significant and critically important to us. It is the thing that reminds us that the stories we heard as kids weren't lies and that the possibility for that kind of happiness exists.
What is happening now is another chapter. It is a step. It is part of me healing the things that no one else can heal but me. I show you the broken parts because it is you and you get to see what I refuse to let anyone else know.
I have to heal the wounds and fix this part of my faith in myself. You need to know you have been a huge part of that. Your faith, love and belief in me has helped to give me the strength to do it.
I am not gone yet and we're not done with this particular moment in time. I am asking you to keep holding my hand for a while longer. Keep walking with me, keep loving me and let me keep loving you, not that you could stop me. ;)
Let's just roll with what comes next and see what happens. I am not asking you to make long term promises now, but I am asking you to not to shut down or push me away. We can keep healing and helping each other.
That is part of what this time has been about. Pasqualina said that you need me as I need you and that no matter what happens we need to help each other and who are we to argue with the great Pasqualina.
I love you baby, very much.
MLBF
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