You Probably Won't Read This But

You probably won't read this but in case you do I was really disappointed to see something that makes it sound like you are seeing someone. 

It is hurtful and upsets me. If we really meant all the things we said to and about each other why wouldn't we have a conversation about a future. Why wouldn't we really dig in.

Life is short and when you find someone who you jibe with it is important to dig in. You said I was the love of your life and while I understand things can change that doesn't just die or go away.

Especially when you haven't had real time together.

If I moved away I think you'd be very upset. I think you'd be disappointed. I think you need to stop sleeping with that other guy and wake up.

But what do I know, I am just a man trying to get some time with the woman he loved to see where things really stand.

Is it scary?

Sure, but it is scary not knowing too.

Can we live if we never find out?

Of course but do you want to be like your grandmother and talk about the red headed boy who once was.

Come on Juneleh, let's have the conversation. Let's put our cards on the table.

Added later,

This post never ceases to move me. It is pure.

Who Knows

Dear June,

You once told me we wouldn't get a shot until our fifties and that you didn't think I'd be interested. If you haven't figured out that was ridiculous I am here to say so.

Most people never know how much time they have walking the earth. Unless something has changed that you haven't informed me of that is where we stand, with an indefinite amount of time.

I am aggravated with your refusal to have given us a chance to explore what could be. People don't have a connection like ours and see it completely fizzle, not really.

There are things that can impact it and there is no doubt it can evolve, but I don't believe it just dies.

I don't know where it stands but I have strong ideas. I still believe you have avoided being in my arms and tried to keep an emotional distance because you are scared.

I understand and appreciate it. It is scary, but mostly in a good way.

It is disappointing not to get a chance to have real conversations with a woman who said I was her best friend and the love of her life. It would be a shame if we didn't take the chance to explore this.

And yes, I know I have said for years that I think you'll sleep with me again. In my heart I still believe that even though it sounds ridiculous.

I could tell you I think you need to be fucked. I could tell you I think you need someone to make love to you. I could tell you I can do both like no other man. Not because I am bragging but because I know you have ultimate trust in me.

When you are upset you always think of me and consider leaning against me. Many times you do, but lately you have forced yourself not to. You have built distance.

If someone asked me why I would say "who knows." I figure in your time you'll tell me, that is most likely but it is still possible I'll never find out. Still possible posts like this will remain as me allowing myself to be vulnerable while you share nothing.

It is not fair but life isn't fair and I have known that since I was a little boy. But maybe that will change and I'll discover that when I am thinking of you, you are thinking of me too.

Should I Just Ask You To Sleep With Me

 I have written soft, gentle letters. I have asked to spend time with you and done the 'right' thing and it has gotten me no where.

So should I just ask you to sleep with me. Should I tell you I miss watching you smile while you blew me.

Or should I say I miss watching you watch me slide in and out of you.

Should I tell you I miss making you cum so hard you shook.

Should I call and say these things or leave a voicemail.

Should I send them in an email.

Should I ask if there is some other man keeping you warm and if that is why you ignore me,

Or should I just demand that you give me your body and let me take you where you know I can like no one else.

Don't know if you will read this any time soon but I expect you will see it one day. I expect you have felt my eyes upon you and wondered if I was watching you from afar.

I can tell you I haven't ever watched you in secret. If I was staring at you then it was done where you already I knew I was present, so it wasn't in secret ever.

Come on woman, submit and take a chance.

Surprised By The Ache

 Dear June,

Woke up and was surprised by the ache I felt at not having spoken with you in quite some time. 

Your silence makes me wonder if you are dating someone and trying to find out what life is like with him. But then again maybe it is just life and you are busy.

I don't know how you really feel, but I have my ideas. Most of the time when I look in that place where the magic has always lived I feel you there.

You know, the place where we always knew the other was thinking about us or that they would be the one calling or that knock on the door was them.

I stay silent sometimes thinking you need to figure things out before you can really take a look at us again. And then I think that is silly that you want me to be the one knocking and that if I do so you will answer.

So does ego keep us apart or fear.

****

The thing is every time I am honest with myself I am certain you could step into my arms and we would pick up where we left off.

Would that lead to a life of the same magic?

Maybe, maybe not. 

We never got the chance but I always believed it was more likely to be yes than no because even those blessed with magic have to work together.

And it is why I think sometimes you are afraid to be held, loved and kissed by me. Because sometimes it is easier to just let fantasy be than to see if reality matches.

I think prefer to take the risk and know.

Still Waiting

Still waiting for you to wake up and recognize this is the time to take a minute and explore possibilities.

Still waiting because there was enough magic for us not to let go completely and life is short. I believe we will regret it if we don't take the time to figure it out.

Winter Update

 So much has happened since I last updated this so you know bits and pieces about my thoughts and feelings but we haven't really talked at all.

I am not sure if you blame me for you situation and I know that you have questioned your own role but I don't think that blaming yourself changes anything.

From all I heard I think this would have happened anyway but I am not going to spend time talking about it here, at least not now.

It is not the place for it.

As I have shared my interest is in finding out more about us. I have had several dreams about it and sometimes I have woken up thinking I am an idiot.

Because dreams are figments and fragments of reality.

And then I think about everything and conclude there is more to it, enough to merit discussion and that I am not crazy.

Can't say without a doubt what the future brings but I am certain we have an unfinished tale and need to take some time to figure it out.

Time to have a real conversation and lay our cards on the table. You have had the easier part, at least when it comes to my thoughts.

I have to read you based upon what I know and I know quite a bit. I know parts of you as well or better than anyone else, of that I am certain.

But that doesn't provide the full picture, just pieces. I want to fill in the gaps.

Please.

August 2023

 Dear June,

I am about as blunt here as I can be though I want to be blunt elsewhere. Been waiting to get a chance to speak with you in person about the future.

I want to spend time with you and see what things look, see and feel like.

Got my ideas but I want to know more. I hate the idea of you potentially dating other guys and my missing out on a chance to find out what could be.

We find ourselves in an interesting position and I am ready to learn more. About time to pull you into my arms and see what happens.

Summer 2023 Approaches

Dear June,

Still not certain when you will see this but figure you have kept coming here through the years so sooner or later you'll be back.

Thought about how it would feel if you spent time with someone else and it set me off far more than I could have imagined.

Think the root is I want to spend time with you and see what happens. I want to see if the magic is there as I suspect or if something has changed. It is hard to say without doing that.

We're definitely different people than we were but in many ways I see the roots and feel confident that whatever magic brought us together still exists.

So I am asking you to give me your hand and take some time to explore. Might not go the way we would hope, but it might.

Can't know if you can fly unless you take out your wings. So call me crazy or whatever, but I want you in my arms and I want to feel our lips meet again. I want to know so that I don't spend any more years wondering.

Doesn't mean I can't or won't survive if I never get answers because I will. But I know every other time you have made decisions without me and I think this is one we need to make together.

It is ten years since we last officially made love. That is long enough, we ought to give it another try.

Can we still fly?

Perhaps.

Let's find out or at least discuss it.

One more Update

Dear June,

I could write a long post about how I still remember kissing you, holding you and what it felt like to be joined together in every way possible.

I could write about how I think about watching your eyes as I enter you or as you take me in and how that just makes my heart go.

Or I could tell you again that I just want to spend time with you because I think we have unfinished business and need to find out what it is all about.

Wrote all these things before and many of them relatively recently. Kind of scary putting them on paper because it is hard to be that vulnerable.

If I go based upon your actions I can convince myself that you have no interest as easily as I can go the other direction. Obviously my gut says you want to explore that too and that is where I ultimately fall.

And I recognize that you have been going through a crazy period of time and this is not your priority. I understand it, been through my own deal. It is hard to focus on anything other than just breathing than when you are in the storm.

But for a moment there I felt you start to lean on me and to let me help carry you and I was glad to do so. It feels right and it feels easy, even if you are a pain in the ass about multiple things.

But I know I am too about some stuff and I think we can probably manage it all.

Bottom line is I would like to find out. The idea that some other guy could get a shot and I don't, well that is hard for me and that pushes me to not just idly by.

Sometimes you have to take a risk to find out what is on the other side of the rainbow.

Have no idea when you will read this as you seem to have left it lie fallow. I am not surprised, you have had your hands full.

Can't say I don't miss having you play a bigger role in my life. Can't say I can't imagine life without you but I can say I can't imagine not trying.

So here I am trying.

For the moment trying to be patient and see when you are ready for a discussion. Don't know if that is how it will play out or if things will just happen on the fly.

What I do think is we're meant to have something together and that we're connected for a reason. I really do.

Dear June

Dear June,

Been thinking about many things and one thing keeps popping up. I want to spend time with you.

There, I said it.

Time is limited and I want to get a sense of who we are now. I have a pretty distinct idea based upon the communication we have had and I think it is worth digging in a little bit.

Sometimes a moment presents itself and you need to take action. I recognize the timing might be rough and there are some complications but at this stage of life there are always going to be some sort of complication.

If we are who I suspect we are we will find a way to work together and work through them.

And if we are not, well we'll have some answers to some questions that I have wondered about for years.

Don't know if or when you will read this but I am putting it out there.

And I'll add that I wanted to kiss you when I saw you. Even though you kind of ignored me it felt very natural.

I kind of figured you would be a little stand offish just because.

Anyhow, I think we ought to give it a go and just see. Not asking for any specific commitment other than to spend some time together and see how it feels.

Destiny Comes Calling

 Dear June,

Call me crazy if you wish, but just hours before Yom Kippur begins I think we are on our way to taking another swing at bat to see what is really here between us.

Can I really say destiny comes calling?

Not sure that I can but then again, how can I not. We never imagined we would ever find each other and when we did had no idea that things would go as they did and have.

And here we are, positioned to take another look.

We're the same people in some ways and yet different in many others. Kind of exciting, kind of scary, but mostly exciting.