Divorce In a Time Of Chaos

They say there is no good time for a divorce but I have to tell you that doing it in the middle of a Constitutional Crisis is probably crazier than during so called normal times.

What Am I Doing

Dear June,

It is 91 days since you unfriended me on Facebook and longer since we had a real conversation. I haven't any idea if or when you'll read this or anything else here.

Maybe you'll be indifferent to my words or maybe you'll be sad you hurt me. Maybe you'll be angry or maybe you'll be all of those things.

I have tried to avoid writing here and elsewhere about you. It feels like you have worked hard to push me out of your life. It feels like you have worked hard to bring other men into it but I really don't know how true that is or isn't.

I don't know if you think of me often or with a smile. I don't know if you blame me for things or if you feel otherwise. I don't know so many things.

It is hard because I still love you and I still feel your presence. 

It is hard because I am furious with you. You have treated me so poorly. You didn't have the courtesy to tell me how you feel or don't feel about me. You got divorced and left me hanging.

Maybe you were afraid to really hurt me or maybe you were afraid of what could happen with us. Maybe you still love me too and didn't want to risk everything.

Maybe it is everything and maybe it is nothing.

It is no secret that even though I love you I wonder if I love the woman you were. It is no secret that I wonder if maybe you fear you love the man I was.

My gut says if our love is everything we thought it was, if we are soul mates whose lives are forever connected than we can get through all of this. My gut says if I am right that putting this all down as stream of consciousness is ok because we'll get a chance to talk and any misunderstandings that exist can be cleared up.

www.instagram.com/reel/DC3fnaixR5H/

Making Changes In My Life

I don't think you have read anything here in two years or so. Don't think you have any idea that I am in the process of making changes in my life. They aren't based upon you. What I am doing is based solely on myself and my needs with the expectation you are gone forever.

That way I know the choices I have made have been done so for the right reasons.

I started seeing a therapist not long after your most recent birthday. It broke my heart seeing you with another man and I decided I needed to do something about it.

Because I knew that even though I love you I can live without you. I knew that I could walk away and leave us as a memory and that feeling I felt was a sign I had spent too long treading water.

I go every week to my guy. I told him that I would do it five days a week because I was that committed. He didn't agree to it and I am ok with that.

I also told him that if he ever thinks I am trying to bullshit him to call me out. I am dedicated to investing in myself and to working hard to build a new future.

I cannot live the way I was living any longer.  I cannot be a fragment of the man I can be.

And like I said, I am not doing any of this for anyone but me. I am growing and evolving. Can't say exactly who I'll be when I am done but I have an image of that man in my head and I like him.

I stopped liking the other guy a while ago but hadn't really accepted or thought about it. But life woke me up and I realized I was finally in a place where I could take time for me.

Life Never Stops

Life never stops but I feel like I did. I know how and why. I understand it though I sometimes want to kick myself for it.

But most of the time I just let it be. Can't change the past but I can change the future.

You show up in my feed sometimes and I see memories or news about new cars and I smile. I hope that life is good for you. I hope you are happy and that angels watch over you.

As I wrote in the post before it still feels like we're going to get our time together. I still expect one day we'll tell each other that no one can take better care of the other than us..

I still expect it to be hard at times and that it will require some work but every relationship requires that. if you give me your hand and your heart I'll protect them and we'll walk through the fires together.

And if you don't, well therapy is working on letting go with a smile and accepting that some things have a life span.

Even we were magically married by December of 2025 there will come a day when our bodies give up on us and we'll say goodbye. I figure that if somehow we do get married we might discover there is an after life and our love will be eternal.

And if that is not true it won't matter because we'll be dead and we will have died knowing we had an incredible love story.

And if we don't ever find our way back than none of this matters anyway and it is just an exercise in releasing some strong feelings upon the page.

Bet you didn't run naked through the snow and bet you didn't expect me to finish this post with

Don’t look so sad
It’s not so bad you know
It’s just another night
That’s all it is.
It’s not the first
It’s not the worst you know
We’ve come through all the rest
We’ll get through this…

We're Going To Have Our Time

Dear June,

It is heading on three months since you unfriended me and longer still since we had a real conversation. I have probably written something about that here but I didn't go looking for it.

I think the post before this is one where I apologized but I didn't check that either. So I may repeat myself here and if I am correct it doesn't matter because I think we're going to have our time.

Can't tell you how or why based upon logic but I can tell the therapist has heard quite a bit about you and my thoughts.

Can tell I am a mix of sheer confidence and sheer terror because everything makes sense and nothing does.

I think about calling, emailing or writing you daily but I obviously haven't. Haven't because as much I love you I am pretty angry.

You didn't treat me well, you went out of your way to do everything on your terms and to deny me a chance to participate. If you read this you might be infuriated by it. You might call me all sorts of names and I am ok with that.

If we are who I think we are we're strong enough to take it and come out the other side. We haven't ever had the opportunity to be together like normal people and that makes a difference.

You haven't ever faced my wrath head on, heard me let loose with a blast from my lungs. But I don't think you'd fear it and you shouldn't because I would never hurt you.

Scream at you? Yeah I might but we operate outside of time and in our world.

And ultimately I don't worry about us screaming at each other because if we give ourselves the chance we won't feel the same frustration and fear.

We'll be S & J, best friends and lovers. We'll be a boy and a girl sharing the great love story of our time.

I am writing with naked honesty, fearless and forthright knowing you might not ever read this but you very well might.

I know you in ways no one else has and maybe no one ever will. You can say the same thing about me.

I still believe if you walked into my arms and closed your eyes we can turn into two hearts beating as one.

I am as scared of never knowing as I am of knowing. 

But if you haven't figured this part out--I will jump into the fire and burn for you. I will take the beating not because I have no self esteem but because I know what I see.

I know what I feel.

I have never stopped loving you and I don't think you really stopped loving me either.

I think it is still there and I can show you the texts you sent me that help inform me. 

We're going to have our time and I am going to stop aching like this. Will that lead to endless love for the rest of our days or just a moment in time?

Not entirely sure, though I lean towards forever but I can't say unless we try.

Unless we take each other by the hand and see what happens. Let me love you, let me take care of you, let me protect you and lets find out what this is.

Old Messages

My Dearest June.

Got Just When I Needed You Most playing in part because I just read one of the messages you wrote me when I was getting ready to leave in 2013 and my heart aches more than it has in a long time.

Been struggling with all sorts of questions about you for a while and have written about many here and elsewhere but didn't think to go back and read what we exchanged back then until the other day.

And now I feel like I have a much clearer picture of it all or at least I hope so.

When I look back on that time I can see the love we built between us move from a flicker to a bonfire again.

I can see us struggling to figure out how to make it work and I can feel the pain of it all like it just happened again.

But I can feel the joy, I can feel the depth of something special, an adult love that came upon us unexpectedly.

And I can see us fight to do the right thing in a situation that is/was socially unconventional.

I can see us start fights with each other because of fear and not because of real issues. I don't think we have ever broken up because we got tired of each other or found major character flaws.

It was always due to circumstances, always due to our fear of what would happen if we left our families. 

When you told me you were getting divorced I hoped we would get a chance to spend time together and to date, so that we could see what life was like.

We are not who we once were and though I think there was enough love and enough substance for us to go the distance I always thought it prudent to check it out. 

But you never gave me the chance and I never figure out whether it was worth trying to wear you down or just give you time.

Until now, because  now you are obviously dating and I haven't a clue whether it is serious or not.

*****

I have reached a point in my life where I need to figure some things out about what sort of future I want. 

So I have begun seeing a therapist because I wanted an unbiased and outsider to help walk me through the structure of what I want and who I want to live my life with.

I am not upset or embarrassed by it. I am very comfortable with it.

I have a pretty solid idea of what I intend to do and how but working with a professional who does this for a living should help me move through things faster or so I hope.

*****

I have never stopped loving you and I don't want you ever to think all I wanted you was for sex because that was never it.

You have always been sexy and always beautiful but what drove it was I have seen your heart.

And reading those old texts remind me that I hurt you even though I never wished to. Reading those old texts I saw you hurt me back too.

So two people who loved each other  enough to consider building a family together screamed at the heavens in their own way.

I promised to be your hero and your confidante. I think I failed in some areas and whether that is mitigated by successes or not at all only time can tell.

*****

I will tell the therapist our story. I will tell it all as best I can from start to finish. I will tell the therapist about the hell I went through trying to take care of my family and the pain of losing my best friend, my father, my home and so many other things.

And when it is all done I will come out the other side and maybe I'll have a very different perspective. Maybe I'll be starting the process to become a single man or maybe a million other things.

I almost didn't share any of this because I don't want you to think I am doing this because of you. 

This is all for me because I have kept too many things buried inside me and it is a poison I choose not to drink any more.

I'll be healthier and happier for it.

I have my thoughts and ideas about where things may go in the next six to 12 months but beyond that who knows.

Got no idea if you will ever read this or if you'll surprise me and read it tonight, though I very much doubt so.

*****

Though I still believe you could walk into my arms and automatically  feel at home I have no idea if that will ever happen either.

But if I want you to take two things from this I want them to be these:

My love for you was always pure, I have always accepted you for who you are even if sometimes it might not have seemed like it.

And I am very sorry for whatever pain I have ever caused you. I have always said and still say I would kiss the tears away.

MLBF,

Johnny

The Matrix of Questions

Dear June,

Writing another post I have no idea if you will read knowing that even if you read it you may not respond.

You have ignored so much that I have written I have reason to doubt many things. I won't lie and say I haven't been hurt for weeks now.

It started around your birthday when you replied to your friend that you would skip the concert because you were going out with D.

That felt like a gut punch and I reacted a bit when I posted about it elsewhere. 

I made a point to let you know that I was going to be at the movie so that it wouldn't be a surprise to you. But I won't lie and say I wasn't surprised to see you and him.

Nor will I lie and say it didn't hurt, of course it did.

Just before you called to say you were getting divorced I was preparing myself to let go and say it was forever done between us. I figured it was the best way to go and that if things changed down the road I would be surprised.

But then we started talking more frequently and I felt the connection growing. I felt like maybe we might get a chance to explore whether the magic was dead or still alive.

It really felt like something was sort of growing but then you would pull away. I tried to respect that and figured you needed your time.

I had thought we'd at least have a conversation and that you would tell me where your head was at.

You may think it is clear but I don't.

I don't know what you would do if I was single and you knew I was dating other people. Maybe you wouldn't care.

I don't know if you are still trying to figure out who you are, it is only 2 years and I wouldn't be surprised if that is the case.

I understand that.

I have lots of ideas that are based upon your actions and my gut feelings.

We have more than 20 years of history and we might see that very differently. 

My love hasn't ever died, changed and evolved, but never died. So this hurts.

I am working on finding my own closure not knowing if you will ever give me anything to work with. I know I will get there, I always do.

Truth is I never could have predicted you would be in my life or that 2013 would bring us back together  romantically.

I still think our love is special and based upon history can't say that I believe it will never manifest itself again physically or that it will.

Won't make any predictions today, but reserve the right to do so at a different time. Can't say I won't shut this down and make it all memories either.

I can only tell you my heart hurts and that I wish we had some time to really talk. Maybe it will happen, maybe it will never happen.

You may come around when I have already moved on or maybe not.

It is a long way from the board and those early days. I am just writing to ease the pain not worrying about whether you will or will not see this.

If there is such a thing as destiny and we really are inextricably linked as you once said we'll find each other again.

And if not, well this will be one more thing I have written.

Please know even I say things in anger it comes from love and that I really do want the best for you.

I have seen you as naked and as intimate as any one and I know your inner heart. I have always accepted it and tried to accept all of you.

Perhaps one day I will kiss your tears away and hold you in the dark and the light or perhaps not.

Life is one hell of a ride, you never know what it will bring.

That Guy...Really

Well June I have no idea if you're ever going to read anything here again and am not sure that posting here makes any sense.

You don't talk to me anymore. You don't share anything and judging by the way you treated me today you don't particularly care what I think.

Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am not. 

Got to tell you I was not impressed with the skinny guy with the old man pot belly. No muscle, no sign of personality but a healthy attitude.

Thought it was funny when he tried to ignore me and when he tried to give me a hard look after I left the theater.

I could fart and knock him over.

Got to tell you I am hurt, angry and disappointed too.

I had thought there would be a real conversation and that maybe we could sort things out. Maybe I am to blame because I never stopped loving you.

That is the truth.

It has ebbed and flowed but it hasn't ever died and now I don't know if I am supposed to try and kill it or just live my life and see what happens down the road.

I was you I might read some of the other posts I have here, but none of them will replace a real heart-to-heart between us.

Yeah, I am dumb enough to ask, but fuck it, if you don't ask you don't get and I have lots of questions. 

Might have to accept that I will never get answers and the girl who cared about my feelings  is gone, but maybe not.

One more To Add

When I wrote this I had no idea how much truth there would be in it. It is as real as it gets and it feels more salient now than ever.

I want to dig into this but I don't have time now so I will hit post and try to come back to it later.

You Probably Won't Read This But

You probably won't read this but in case you do I was really disappointed to see something that makes it sound like you are seeing someone. 

It is hurtful and upsets me. If we really meant all the things we said to and about each other why wouldn't we have a conversation about a future. Why wouldn't we really dig in.

Life is short and when you find someone who you jibe with it is important to dig in. You said I was the love of your life and while I understand things can change that doesn't just die or go away.

Especially when you haven't had real time together.

If I moved away I think you'd be very upset. I think you'd be disappointed. I think you need to stop sleeping with that other guy and wake up.

But what do I know, I am just a man trying to get some time with the woman he loved to see where things really stand.

Is it scary?

Sure, but it is scary not knowing too.

Can we live if we never find out?

Of course but do you want to be like your grandmother and talk about the red headed boy who once was.

Come on Juneleh, let's have the conversation. Let's put our cards on the table.

Added later,

This post never ceases to move me. It is pure.

Who Knows

Dear June,

You once told me we wouldn't get a shot until our fifties and that you didn't think I'd be interested. If you haven't figured out that was ridiculous I am here to say so.

Most people never know how much time they have walking the earth. Unless something has changed that you haven't informed me of that is where we stand, with an indefinite amount of time.

I am aggravated with your refusal to have given us a chance to explore what could be. People don't have a connection like ours and see it completely fizzle, not really.

There are things that can impact it and there is no doubt it can evolve, but I don't believe it just dies.

I don't know where it stands but I have strong ideas. I still believe you have avoided being in my arms and tried to keep an emotional distance because you are scared.

I understand and appreciate it. It is scary, but mostly in a good way.

It is disappointing not to get a chance to have real conversations with a woman who said I was her best friend and the love of her life. It would be a shame if we didn't take the chance to explore this.

And yes, I know I have said for years that I think you'll sleep with me again. In my heart I still believe that even though it sounds ridiculous.

I could tell you I think you need to be fucked. I could tell you I think you need someone to make love to you. I could tell you I can do both like no other man. Not because I am bragging but because I know you have ultimate trust in me.

When you are upset you always think of me and consider leaning against me. Many times you do, but lately you have forced yourself not to. You have built distance.

If someone asked me why I would say "who knows." I figure in your time you'll tell me, that is most likely but it is still possible I'll never find out. Still possible posts like this will remain as me allowing myself to be vulnerable while you share nothing.

It is not fair but life isn't fair and I have known that since I was a little boy. But maybe that will change and I'll discover that when I am thinking of you, you are thinking of me too.

Should I Just Ask You To Sleep With Me

 I have written soft, gentle letters. I have asked to spend time with you and done the 'right' thing and it has gotten me no where.

So should I just ask you to sleep with me. Should I tell you I miss watching you smile while you blew me.

Or should I say I miss watching you watch me slide in and out of you.

Should I tell you I miss making you cum so hard you shook.

Should I call and say these things or leave a voicemail.

Should I send them in an email.

Should I ask if there is some other man keeping you warm and if that is why you ignore me,

Or should I just demand that you give me your body and let me take you where you know I can like no one else.

Don't know if you will read this any time soon but I expect you will see it one day. I expect you have felt my eyes upon you and wondered if I was watching you from afar.

I can tell you I haven't ever watched you in secret. If I was staring at you then it was done where you already I knew I was present, so it wasn't in secret ever.

Come on woman, submit and take a chance.

Surprised By The Ache

 Dear June,

Woke up and was surprised by the ache I felt at not having spoken with you in quite some time. 

Your silence makes me wonder if you are dating someone and trying to find out what life is like with him. But then again maybe it is just life and you are busy.

I don't know how you really feel, but I have my ideas. Most of the time when I look in that place where the magic has always lived I feel you there.

You know, the place where we always knew the other was thinking about us or that they would be the one calling or that knock on the door was them.

I stay silent sometimes thinking you need to figure things out before you can really take a look at us again. And then I think that is silly that you want me to be the one knocking and that if I do so you will answer.

So does ego keep us apart or fear.

****

The thing is every time I am honest with myself I am certain you could step into my arms and we would pick up where we left off.

Would that lead to a life of the same magic?

Maybe, maybe not. 

We never got the chance but I always believed it was more likely to be yes than no because even those blessed with magic have to work together.

And it is why I think sometimes you are afraid to be held, loved and kissed by me. Because sometimes it is easier to just let fantasy be than to see if reality matches.

I think prefer to take the risk and know.