Ain't That A Kick In The Pants

Dear Juneleh,

I am not entirely certain what to say or do right now. What happened was wrong, it was awful and unfair. I was blindsided and it obviously has made things a bit crazier than they were.

But I want you know that you are very important to me and that I love you. I don't want you to freak out or worry about what might happen because no one really knows.

I am hunkering down a little bit now and am more silent but am not really talking to anyone, including myself. What that means is I feel like I have spent the last week or so holding my breath at the office and now I am trying to breathe.

And I am trying not to freak out, scream, cry or lie on the floor laughing at how ridiculous this all is. Most of all I am trying to just live with less stress for a day or two because that is coming. That black hole is trying to suck me back in and it is going to take a lot for me not to fall in.

But I want you to know I am not ignoring you. If I don't respond immediately to a text don't think the worst. If I say I am getting rid of boxes, don't think the worst. If I don't respond to an email, don't think the worst.

And here is why:

You have started to email me at two different addresses. I might not immediately notice that. I might be responding to you at one and not at the other cuz I didn't see it or I got caught up responding at the other.

If I am on the phone I may not notice your text until I put the phone down. When I don't use my headset I have that puppy against my ear. Sometimes when I put it down I don't see it flashing.

Texting makes us want/expect instant replies and sometimes we get crazy when that doesnt happen. But if it is 20 minutes or an hour between it doesn't mean anything is wrong.

When I say I am getting rid of stuff it is not because I am loading my car, it is because I have too much junk here. A few years back I decided to try harder to live with less. I am not great about it, but I am working at it.

And when you live with less you have less clutter. There are two places in my home now that feel cluttered to me so I am trying to fix that.

The point baby is that I will keep you posted the entire way. And I will talk with you about all of this too. My focus is on staying. It makes sense to me.

I do better talking about it with you, and by that I mean actually talking. But sometimes I have to shut it down because if I don't all I hear are echoes in my head and it makes me crazy. It fuels this fire inside and that negative energy hurts.

I am trying to figure it all out. I hate seeing you in pain over this. It makes me feel guilty and I don;t want that for you.

So I am just working through it day by day, moment by moment.

And I am asking you to remember that we never expected this and look what happened. The magic isn't gone. This is just part of the process and if we stay calm we'll work through it together. We have been to hell and back, we can do this.

I love you.