Hi Woman

Hi Junebug,

Got my second glass of Kahlua and coke in my hand and my head is still buzzing, wired isn't accurate.

It happens to me sometimes, I get that crazy feeling and I fight to slow the world down and stop it for just a moment. I fight because I feel like if I concentrate hard enough I can use my will, the Force or something and it works.

Kind of reminds me of that feeling I get when I hold my breath underwater, open my eyes and look around. Maybe it is tied into that feeling I get sometimes where I know that I am good, really good at some things but not great.

And these moments flip back and forth between my wondering if I should care or if maybe it is a rationalization for not being good enough. Yet I always come back to the place where I shrug my shoulders and figure that somehow I will come out on top.

Don't ask what it means because I don't exactly know other than to say that my heart has always told me that I will reach a place where I have peace of mind and feel good about life. It is not that I feel miserable now because I don't but when you have been riding this crazy seesaw for as long as I have it is harder to feel balanced.

Sometimes I sit and hold my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop and then I wonder why I would do that to myself. You know I have no greater critic than myself, but maybe it is because I have always felt like I am the answer to all of my questions.

Maybe it is because I figure that somewhere inside this empty chamber inside my head is something that will help me relax and just roll with things. A lot of time I do a pretty good job of it, but sometimes I lose sight of land and start fighting.

And it makes me ask why I seem to swing from being nonchalant to this other place. Maybe it is just a matter of feeling like I have my own place and enough cash to feel comfortable. Maybe it is that simple.

Guess I'll have to keep pushing to reach that place so I can figure out if that does it or if this crazy man is always going to be running around.

Either way, I love and cherish having you in my life.