Who Remembers

Hi Baby,

I know you don't understand the banter in the beginning or the words of the song, but I do and it fits. I had a title for this post but I can't remember it. It got lost somewhere and I am not sure where so I am just rambling.

I remember hearing these words and thinking

“I’ve been tryin’ to get to you for a long time
Because constantly you been on my mind
I was thinkin’ ’bout a shortcut I could take
But it seems like I made a mistake

I was wrong, mmm, I took too long
I got caught in the rush hour
A fellow started to shower
You with love and affection
Now you won’t look in my direction”
Expressway To Your Heart- The Soul Survivors

about what to do and if I should do it. I have playlists that I listened to over and over while I thought about you and about us.

And I think about it now in amazement because it seems impossible to be in this place and in this situation. How did we ever find each other and figure out that we would work. How did we come to be and then get through all of the craziness we have been through.

Sometimes I would write and think that you would have no respect for me that you would think I had no self respect because I kept ignoring your "request" to let things lie and to just go away. Sometimes I would ask myself if maybe it was true and then I would force myself to let go and just walk.

I would and I did.

I let go and pushed away from the table but something always pulled me back. Something would happen and I would feel this giant hole where you used to be and the ache would make me crazy and I would say fuck it, I am going back in because I have to.

Thoughts would cross my mind about obligations and responsibilities and how maybe I wasn't living up to them and that I should make myself disappear no matter how hard it was but that noise in my head would get louder and I would feel you.

It didn't always happen. It wasn't an every time or every day thing but I knew you were thinking about me. I knew I was on your mind and I figured that you were making your own list of reasons to keep me away from you.

Because I just knew that if I had time alone with you something could happen and that it probably would. I had this crazy idea that I would show up at your office and make you kiss me. I remember thinking it was a good way to get arrested but that it might be necessary.

And then I would chastise myself for making life into a movie but we both know that movies come from life and that we are a prime example of it.

So here I am feeling like the big contradiction. Got a million thoughts floating through my head which is part of why I am trying to share them here so that you can see more about what is going on inside

Hard sometimes to see myself in the mirror and accept that I can't turn back the clock the way I want to. Sometimes I just don't care but there are other moments where I wonder if the complications in life must always be this way or if I make them happen.

It is so interesting to me to think about us and how comfortable we are and how it feels like we were never apart and have known each other our entire lives. Has there been a time where we weren't together. Even when we weren't and didn't know each other it feels to me like we always were.

Maybe we aren't who we once were, but maybe we are better now. Maybe we had to go through everything to have the deeper appreciation of how special we are. I don't know. I like to believe it to be true because it helps me make sense of things and I like them to make sense.

But then again they don't have to because life rarely does. Sometimes you have to just let go and see where it takes you.

I am just glad you are here with me.