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Well Babeleh,

I am dealing with the roller coaster nature of this change now and momentarily down so I thought I'd write you a note.

I feel like I have a sled attached to me and I am dragging 20,000 pounds through the snow. I never stop trying or give up, but I am constantly exhausted and working hard not to berate myself for not being better, more than I am because there is no point or use in doing that.

Yet I am who I am and if I deny that side it comes back in other ways so I try to let it enter and pass through, just accept the guilt I feel for not being who I expected to be, or who I think I should.

I keep thinking about Ray Charles and Johnny Cash. Two of my favorite artists who went through hell and were still very successful. I am not saying that I am them nor do I have any need to riddle myself with drugs so there is that.

But this is hard, so very hard because it is too familiar. It feels like I get so close to fixing things and turning it around and then something happens and I have to ask how. Have to wonder what happened and pick it apart to try not to make the same mistake again.

And when I do I determine that it is not all me, that it has never been all me but dammit, shit happened again.

Psychic said that I would go through hell and that I would ultimately be very successful. It is the kind of obscure bullshit that you can say and not worry about being right or wrong, but at the moment I am holding on to it.

I figure it doesn't really hurt me. It doesn't mean that I can sit on my ass and do nothing nor does it mean that anything will just be handed to me.

But even if it is bullshit sometimes we need something to hold on to and if that gives me enough to tread water a bit longer, well than that is ok with me.

Haven't showered or eaten lunch yet, almost 3. But did manage to get some exercise in and have done some work so it is not a complete waste.