Reflections of My Life

Dearest Juneleh,

Do you feel like the odds are stacked against us?  Do you think our timing sucks? Do you wonder and worry about what to do now and how to do it?

Should I be worried about you trying to run away? Should I wonder if you are going to try to build some space to protect your heart?

I don't really think you will because it is too late, we are committed to each other in one way or another we crossed and blurred the lines a million different ways.

You are right about there being a certain amount of pressure being placed upon me, but it is to find work and not to go racing back. The reality is that this makes life more challenging in many ways and that it makes it harder in some ways to convince people that life can and should be built here.

But that doesn't mean that it is impossible or that it won't happen. Much depends on what the next chunk of time brings because it is the timing that makes this particularly onerous and awful. And it means that whatever I get here is going to be scrutinized that much more closely.

Still it doesn't preclude anything from happening because one good job can change it all. A steady paycheck goes a long way to fixing things and even if the decision was that this is not the place to be I wouldn't just jump without something else, can't.

And frankly that won't be asked of me.

I guess this is why I have always said we need to take it one day at a time and see what happens.

And I would add that given our past we have every reason to believe in us. Can't say for certain what that means other than if you love me you need to just hold on to me and walk for a while. Walk the road and figure out what the hell this means.

And while we have the time we are certain of we can make it last and create the memories we always dreamed about making.

The best part of all this is that I know it has confirmed what I always believed. Some people might not be able to handle being handed a dream with the knowledge that it could be taken away, but that is not how I look at it.

It is a gift and it is up to us to figure out what we will make of it. Like I said, I don't know what will happen. I know what I am trying to make happen, but even a man with no humility and lots of bravado knows that he can only do so much.

That devil can wear that bag on his head for all I care.

You know I love you and have loved you for since before we met, I just didn't know your name then.