I am running with the moon again and trying hard to reel myself in because I can't keep this up, it is not healthy or smart.
I may be an old fat bastard but if I want to I can do this for far longer but I don't see the point. This constant anger isn't doing me any favors so I am reeling myself back in and asking questions.
Would I have been pissed off by those edits if they had made by someone else?
Maybe a bit, but not like this. This is all tied into her bullshit. It is not the first time someone edited my work in a way that I didn't like. It is part of being a writer, so much of this is subjective. Been doing this for long enough to know it but sometimes I forget.
It is because I hit the wall. Hit the place where my heart aches daily and I miss those little guys so very much that I think about buying a plane ticket or packing up the car.
But I remind myself about where I was and how bad that was and how dark it was. Pieces of it all linger inside the darker corners of my head and it makes me willing to dare people to challenge me because I know the demons that live inside my mind because I have looked at them.
I have forced them to confront me and accepted that I didn't win every fight I had, remind them that may be true but that I never forgot about the war and that was always the goal.
So I sit here and scream a bit because it is not true to say that I didn't come here for this. I swore that I would break it into pieces and that if I had to deal with this I would do so until I got beyond December. But while most people hate micromanagers I especially hate them and made a point to ask about that before I accepted the position.
It is a marathon. I have to gut it out. I have to. I apologize for being moody, but...
And here I am, having overcome many challenges, still fighting because the battles aren't over yet. And now I just have to keep going, so if you'll keep holding my hand I will keep holding yours.
One day it will be better again, probably sooner than later.
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