The Roller Coaster

Hi Baby, I kind of like that song, it has sort of a Soul Train feel to it. Speaking of feelings I am guessing you feel torn like I do now.

I am not sure how I feel. Part of me is thrilled and excited, haven't seen those little buggers in two months and that has been hard. Don't need to list the how and why of it because we both know those details and now what we don't know is what comes next.

You might be surprised to learn that right now nothing feels like home to me. I feel a bit like a man without a state and  that surprises me. Never thought it could feel like this, or be this way, but it is.

I am torn because I love you more than words can express and I have loved being so close. Even when we have been busy it is reassuring to know that we are only a car ride away and now that looks like it is changing.

Changing not because I want it to, but because for the time being it is probably the smart move for the kids. We have always focused on them, said they come first and that is how I have to look at this.

But you should know it hurts writing these things, thinking about increasing the physical distance. I don't like it, don't want to do it but I am leaning towards it. Leaning towards it because I need to be present for them and I need them too.

They occupy a different piece of my heart than you, but they have it.

Still in the midst of all this there are some things that jump out at me.

Our history. We did the unexpected and figured things out and I have complete faith that we can do it again. We have much influence on how this all goes and in some ways it doesn't hurt to have the time. It gives you a chance to have any focus on your weekends adjusted.

And I still don't have all the details about the mechanics of how this would work for me. I need to find out more so that I understand it and to confirm that everything is as I think.

So I guess what I am saying is that if you are willing to keep holding my hand and to keep walking with me we'll figure out how it goes and adjust.

Just remember that I have never stopped loving you.