Sometimes the words fall short of the mark. Sometimes I don't quite hit the spot I am aiming for and I find myself frustrated and flustered because what should be easy becomes difficult and I can't figure out why.
Don't know why the simple things are complex and the complex sometimes simple, just that they are. I go walking around trying to figure out how things are constructed and what serves as the motor and creates the motion.
I see layers upon layers and marvel at the complexity of it all. Look back at the past and see that what once was has always been. Technology or not relationships have never been anything but as they are.
There are those that love and love, those that love and lose and those that just love. Nothing is different from the time of the pharaohs to now. Man loved woman, woman loved man and sometimes they just kept each other company.
Sometimes it was better to have a warm bed and sometimes it was because they liked the person so much they couldn't help love them. Sometimes they learned they didn't have to like all of them and that it was almost better to have pieces and parts that didn't completely mesh because the friction created a warm feeling that helped them work.
And they remembered that work wasn't a pejorative term or something that was bad. It was part of the motor, the engine that helped keep them coming back together over and over again.
And they liked and loved each other very much because they recognized that even though sometimes it required work most of the time it did not. It was natural, normal and nice.
And sometimes the best thing about loving another are the moments where you aren't going crazy because they aren't close but when you are relaxed because you just know you have found the person that helps complete you and adds to the purpose you feel upon waking.
Visibility
Reflections Of "OUR" Life
Dear Juneleh,
I am listening to Marmalade and thinking about how very lucky I am to have you in my life and how excited I am to finally celebrate your birthday together. After a thousand years we'll be able to say that we spent time together on both of our birthdays, hard to believe.
Today I almost got a blanket for you. It was going to be your birthday gift. I wanted to give it to you and to tell you that any time you felt lost, cold or out of sorts to wrap yourself in it because it would serve as my arms when I wasn't able to be with you.
Didn't do it because I wasn't sure if you'd really like it or not. Thought you'd like the sentiment but decided that I just wasn't certain so I didn't do it.
Saw a bunch of things I wanted to get for you. Some of them just aren't things I can give you right now for obvious reasons and some are things that I hope to do one day.
Listening to Johnny sing The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face and thinking about how magical this has been and how in spite of everything it continues to be. Don't ever doubt us or anything about us.'
Don't give in to anger or sorrow and try to convince yourself that what we have is anything other than it is. When hard times come let them into your heart and remember it hurts because we figured out how to get back that thing that makes two people more than just one. We see things in each other that no one else does and share what no one else is allowed.
I know how you think so don't go to that place where you think this is me trying to say goodbye or to prepare you for anything because it is not. It is just me opening my heart and sharing what I see and feel with you. It is just a boy telling a girl he loves and cherishes her because she helped him and he is grateful.
It is just a boy trying to say he wants to write words that will move his girl and make her feel special even when she might think she isn't or doesn't deserve to.
It is just a boy who is never bored with his girl. Sometimes he is frustrated and angry because she is a among the most difficult PITAs he has ever met but it is part of her charm and that doesn't scare him now or ever.
So birthday girl remember these things:
I love you.
I notice whenever you are not around.
You said I love you and kissed me first.
See you soon.
MLBF
I am listening to Marmalade and thinking about how very lucky I am to have you in my life and how excited I am to finally celebrate your birthday together. After a thousand years we'll be able to say that we spent time together on both of our birthdays, hard to believe.
Today I almost got a blanket for you. It was going to be your birthday gift. I wanted to give it to you and to tell you that any time you felt lost, cold or out of sorts to wrap yourself in it because it would serve as my arms when I wasn't able to be with you.
Didn't do it because I wasn't sure if you'd really like it or not. Thought you'd like the sentiment but decided that I just wasn't certain so I didn't do it.
Saw a bunch of things I wanted to get for you. Some of them just aren't things I can give you right now for obvious reasons and some are things that I hope to do one day.
Listening to Johnny sing The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face and thinking about how magical this has been and how in spite of everything it continues to be. Don't ever doubt us or anything about us.'
Don't give in to anger or sorrow and try to convince yourself that what we have is anything other than it is. When hard times come let them into your heart and remember it hurts because we figured out how to get back that thing that makes two people more than just one. We see things in each other that no one else does and share what no one else is allowed.
I know how you think so don't go to that place where you think this is me trying to say goodbye or to prepare you for anything because it is not. It is just me opening my heart and sharing what I see and feel with you. It is just a boy telling a girl he loves and cherishes her because she helped him and he is grateful.
It is just a boy trying to say he wants to write words that will move his girl and make her feel special even when she might think she isn't or doesn't deserve to.
It is just a boy who is never bored with his girl. Sometimes he is frustrated and angry because she is a among the most difficult PITAs he has ever met but it is part of her charm and that doesn't scare him now or ever.
So birthday girl remember these things:
I love you.
I notice whenever you are not around.
You said I love you and kissed me first.
See you soon.
MLBF
Life Spins On A Dime
My Dear Sweet Juneleh,
It is Thursday morning and I feel like I am in the eye of the storm now. Listening to a cover of Band On The Run and thinking about you.
We have been to hell and back more than once and it is part of why this hurts so much but gives me confidence too. You need to know that I always ache when I know you are hurting, especially when I know I am tied into it.
But even when I am not it hurts because you mean more than I can adequately express in words. I still haven't received the final word so while I am more relaxed I am still not really breathing.
It feels like we have shared a lifetime together already and yet there is so much more to come. Obviously I can't predict the future but I can look at the past and gather some relevant data from it. I can remind you that when it looked like we done, dead, buried and gone we came back.
We came back to life, resurrected things. I think we have had some cautious moments because we have always known the power of the connection and love we share. We have let go and reeled it back in because it is scary.
Scary in a good way because when you know someone else can make you so very happy it is easy to let it happen. You want to let it happen, feels like you need it to. But when you know there are the challenges we have you try to restrain it somewhat because it is tied into doing what we think is right.
Tied into it because we know it is not just us and because we rightly are concerned about what could happen if we are not careful. It is part of what gives me faith. Some would call it spin and say I am trying to whitewash things but I don't care.
This may not be the "right" thing in the traditional sense but I see it as something that is right, magical, meaningful, significant and critically important to us. It is the thing that reminds us that the stories we heard as kids weren't lies and that the possibility for that kind of happiness exists.
What is happening now is another chapter. It is a step. It is part of me healing the things that no one else can heal but me. I show you the broken parts because it is you and you get to see what I refuse to let anyone else know.
I have to heal the wounds and fix this part of my faith in myself. You need to know you have been a huge part of that. Your faith, love and belief in me has helped to give me the strength to do it.
I am not gone yet and we're not done with this particular moment in time. I am asking you to keep holding my hand for a while longer. Keep walking with me, keep loving me and let me keep loving you, not that you could stop me. ;)
Let's just roll with what comes next and see what happens. I am not asking you to make long term promises now, but I am asking you to not to shut down or push me away. We can keep healing and helping each other.
That is part of what this time has been about. Pasqualina said that you need me as I need you and that no matter what happens we need to help each other and who are we to argue with the great Pasqualina.
I love you baby, very much.
MLBF
It is Thursday morning and I feel like I am in the eye of the storm now. Listening to a cover of Band On The Run and thinking about you.
We have been to hell and back more than once and it is part of why this hurts so much but gives me confidence too. You need to know that I always ache when I know you are hurting, especially when I know I am tied into it.
But even when I am not it hurts because you mean more than I can adequately express in words. I still haven't received the final word so while I am more relaxed I am still not really breathing.
It feels like we have shared a lifetime together already and yet there is so much more to come. Obviously I can't predict the future but I can look at the past and gather some relevant data from it. I can remind you that when it looked like we done, dead, buried and gone we came back.
We came back to life, resurrected things. I think we have had some cautious moments because we have always known the power of the connection and love we share. We have let go and reeled it back in because it is scary.
Scary in a good way because when you know someone else can make you so very happy it is easy to let it happen. You want to let it happen, feels like you need it to. But when you know there are the challenges we have you try to restrain it somewhat because it is tied into doing what we think is right.
Tied into it because we know it is not just us and because we rightly are concerned about what could happen if we are not careful. It is part of what gives me faith. Some would call it spin and say I am trying to whitewash things but I don't care.
This may not be the "right" thing in the traditional sense but I see it as something that is right, magical, meaningful, significant and critically important to us. It is the thing that reminds us that the stories we heard as kids weren't lies and that the possibility for that kind of happiness exists.
What is happening now is another chapter. It is a step. It is part of me healing the things that no one else can heal but me. I show you the broken parts because it is you and you get to see what I refuse to let anyone else know.
I have to heal the wounds and fix this part of my faith in myself. You need to know you have been a huge part of that. Your faith, love and belief in me has helped to give me the strength to do it.
I am not gone yet and we're not done with this particular moment in time. I am asking you to keep holding my hand for a while longer. Keep walking with me, keep loving me and let me keep loving you, not that you could stop me. ;)
Let's just roll with what comes next and see what happens. I am not asking you to make long term promises now, but I am asking you to not to shut down or push me away. We can keep healing and helping each other.
That is part of what this time has been about. Pasqualina said that you need me as I need you and that no matter what happens we need to help each other and who are we to argue with the great Pasqualina.
I love you baby, very much.
MLBF
What The Hell Happened
Dear Juneleh,
That is what I am saying right now, what the hell happened. I feel like everything changed overnight and even though I know it didn't, it just hurts.
I am sitting here staring up at the ceiling trying to figure out how so much could go to hell in such a short time. It doesn't mean I have given up but I am trying to prepare myself for the kick in the gut that feels like it is about to follow everything else.
I have done everything I could do and that is what frustrates me. It feels like it just wasn't good enough and that hurt. And so I am in this weird place now where I haven't a clue what will happen. I have some ideas and some dreams but I just don't know.
And I am guessing that the idea of me being farther away makes you twist into knots trying to decide if you want to be closer or if you hope it makes things easier. Sometimes life sucks.
Either way I love you and if something has to suck, well...
That is what I am saying right now, what the hell happened. I feel like everything changed overnight and even though I know it didn't, it just hurts.
I am sitting here staring up at the ceiling trying to figure out how so much could go to hell in such a short time. It doesn't mean I have given up but I am trying to prepare myself for the kick in the gut that feels like it is about to follow everything else.
I have done everything I could do and that is what frustrates me. It feels like it just wasn't good enough and that hurt. And so I am in this weird place now where I haven't a clue what will happen. I have some ideas and some dreams but I just don't know.
And I am guessing that the idea of me being farther away makes you twist into knots trying to decide if you want to be closer or if you hope it makes things easier. Sometimes life sucks.
Either way I love you and if something has to suck, well...
Three Weeks
Hi baby,
Unless I am mistaken (and I never am ;) ) it is three weeks since we have seen each other. Three long weeks, but my guess is that since you have been busier than I have you probably haven't noticed it the way I have.
So your majesty know that I always notice when you are not around and that I have gotten used to seeing you with much more regularity. That doesn't mean I am not grateful for our time because I am, just that I am cognizant of when we get less of it.
Can't wait to see you.
I love you.
Unless I am mistaken (and I never am ;) ) it is three weeks since we have seen each other. Three long weeks, but my guess is that since you have been busier than I have you probably haven't noticed it the way I have.
So your majesty know that I always notice when you are not around and that I have gotten used to seeing you with much more regularity. That doesn't mean I am not grateful for our time because I am, just that I am cognizant of when we get less of it.
Can't wait to see you.
I love you.
The Waiting Game
Dear Junebug,
You haven't really been gone for a million years but it feels like you have. Maybe it is because I haven't seen you in weeks and I am itching to spend time with my girl.
Maybe it is because every time you are away I notice the piece of me that is empty and the hole aches a bit. Yeah, it sounds a bit needy but that is ok, life is better when you spend it with people you care about.
So I am waiting for you, waiting because it is what I have to do now. Would probably be less crazed if I didn't have quite as much time on my hands as I do, but we don't always get to make those kinds of choices for ourselves now do we.
Looking forward to holding you in my arms and burying my face in your neck, always makes me feel better when you are close.
You haven't really been gone for a million years but it feels like you have. Maybe it is because I haven't seen you in weeks and I am itching to spend time with my girl.
Maybe it is because every time you are away I notice the piece of me that is empty and the hole aches a bit. Yeah, it sounds a bit needy but that is ok, life is better when you spend it with people you care about.
So I am waiting for you, waiting because it is what I have to do now. Would probably be less crazed if I didn't have quite as much time on my hands as I do, but we don't always get to make those kinds of choices for ourselves now do we.
Looking forward to holding you in my arms and burying my face in your neck, always makes me feel better when you are close.
Need You Now
A lifetime ago I would sometimes listen to this song and think about you. The lyrics spoke to me and I would wonder how crazy and pathetic I had to be to keep chasing you.
And one day Last Of The Mohicans came on and a switch clicked inside me.
And I decided I would figure it out, I would find a way to get to you and I did. I am grateful and glad that I didn't give up and that I figured out you hadn't either because you didn't.
Maybe you shut down, but not completely, you spoke to me. We connected as we always have. It might not make sense, it might not be something we can prove but I know we connect somewhere else because I feel you as I know you feel me.
Might not happen all the time, might get lost now and again but it never goes away. Not making predictions about the future because I don't have to. Just reminding you that someone loves you deeply and cherishes you.
Crazy Times
Hello Sweetheart,
Sunday afternoon is here and my head is racing. I am trying hard to slow it down and focus on the things that are under my control but I am not having much luck. Big things are afoot and it is hard not to be concerned.
Concerned because so much is happening that doesn't impact just me. If that was all I had to worry about I would still be concerned but not like this. This is different because so much is unknown and that is hard to deal with.
Hard because even though you know everything will work out it still doesn't happen on its own and it still doesn't happen without a degree of uncertainty. Overall my gut feels pretty good and that some of the things we hope for are going to come through.
It truly feels that way and part of me thinks I need to take some significant time to just enjoy this moment between things because it is going to get incredibly busy. But I am not sure if I can completely relax if I do that or if it is the right thing.
I know that two of the meetings felt good and that I walked away knowing I had done my best. Might not have been perfect, but I did my best at that time and that moment and that is all that can be done.
Just remember how much I love you and that if I sometimes feel distant here I am really not, I am probably just lost in thought and sometimes when that happens I lose all sense of time so I don't realize how long it has been between calls, emails etc.
Sunday afternoon is here and my head is racing. I am trying hard to slow it down and focus on the things that are under my control but I am not having much luck. Big things are afoot and it is hard not to be concerned.
Concerned because so much is happening that doesn't impact just me. If that was all I had to worry about I would still be concerned but not like this. This is different because so much is unknown and that is hard to deal with.
Hard because even though you know everything will work out it still doesn't happen on its own and it still doesn't happen without a degree of uncertainty. Overall my gut feels pretty good and that some of the things we hope for are going to come through.
It truly feels that way and part of me thinks I need to take some significant time to just enjoy this moment between things because it is going to get incredibly busy. But I am not sure if I can completely relax if I do that or if it is the right thing.
I know that two of the meetings felt good and that I walked away knowing I had done my best. Might not have been perfect, but I did my best at that time and that moment and that is all that can be done.
Just remember how much I love you and that if I sometimes feel distant here I am really not, I am probably just lost in thought and sometimes when that happens I lose all sense of time so I don't realize how long it has been between calls, emails etc.
And Here We Go
Hi babeleh,
Welcome home. Hope your trip didn't make you completely miserable and that maybe some of the connections/contacts you made can somehow help make things easier on this side.
Been a busy week here trying to figure out next steps. Lots of action and good things happening but not enough data to really say yea or nay to anything important.
Got to make this short because there is work to do, but more to come later.
Welcome home. Hope your trip didn't make you completely miserable and that maybe some of the connections/contacts you made can somehow help make things easier on this side.
Been a busy week here trying to figure out next steps. Lots of action and good things happening but not enough data to really say yea or nay to anything important.
Got to make this short because there is work to do, but more to come later.
Running
Hi baby,
It sounds ridiculous but I feel like I haven't had time to update this and it is not because I don't want to or because it is not important it is.
Between the various places I write for and my eyes not feeling great it has been more challenging but I don't want you to think I don't spend time here. It is sort of cyclical I suppose, my writing here.
Anyway I can't wait to see you later. I am so thankful for all of the time in person we get and to some extent that and our other communication is part of why there is less here. It is sort of tied into my being able to tell face-to-face that I love you.
More to come soon.
It sounds ridiculous but I feel like I haven't had time to update this and it is not because I don't want to or because it is not important it is.
Between the various places I write for and my eyes not feeling great it has been more challenging but I don't want you to think I don't spend time here. It is sort of cyclical I suppose, my writing here.
Anyway I can't wait to see you later. I am so thankful for all of the time in person we get and to some extent that and our other communication is part of why there is less here. It is sort of tied into my being able to tell face-to-face that I love you.
More to come soon.
Texting Makes It Hard To Write
Well woman I am trying to write you but you keep texting me to ask what I am doing so maybe I should point you to this video and tell you about how it made me think of you. You have to watch at least up to the two minute mark.
Just turned on Bruce, listening to I'M on Fire and trying to relax. I don't do as good a job at this as I want to. I haven't always been wound so tight and so easily affected by stupid things, but I am working at it.
It is part of why I turn off my phone more frequently. I don't want to be the guy who can't put it down. That Pavlovian response irks me.
And right now so many things irk me I just need to focus on taking control of the things I can, where I can.
I missed you today. I really thought you were coming and sort of didn't do much because I expected you would be here. Not your fault at all, I know better than to believe government will move quickly but dammit, I really was hopeful.
It is 'cuz we never get enough time together. I am not saying that to put more pressure on you because it is not what I want, just sharing the thought. If nothing else this time here has answered some very big questions for me and I have more peace of mind than I did before.
I don't know that I agree with you about our reaching a point where we would get sick of each other. I think it is more about equilibrium. We ache to spend as much time together as we can get and if we had years without the craziness we have now we would still enjoy our time, but that crazy edge might not be as sharp.
To me it comes down to that we like each other. We still fight and get irritated but there is that thing inside that lets us go beyond the irritation. And the level of comfort makes making love incredible. That combination is deadly.
The point being I don't think we are based on sex or that is all we ever will be. The astrology works for us and it makes sense.
There is a yin and a yang here, we balance things out and I make your crazy less evident. ;)
Hee hee, love teasing my girl and I love you.
Just turned on Bruce, listening to I'M on Fire and trying to relax. I don't do as good a job at this as I want to. I haven't always been wound so tight and so easily affected by stupid things, but I am working at it.
It is part of why I turn off my phone more frequently. I don't want to be the guy who can't put it down. That Pavlovian response irks me.
And right now so many things irk me I just need to focus on taking control of the things I can, where I can.
I missed you today. I really thought you were coming and sort of didn't do much because I expected you would be here. Not your fault at all, I know better than to believe government will move quickly but dammit, I really was hopeful.
It is 'cuz we never get enough time together. I am not saying that to put more pressure on you because it is not what I want, just sharing the thought. If nothing else this time here has answered some very big questions for me and I have more peace of mind than I did before.
I don't know that I agree with you about our reaching a point where we would get sick of each other. I think it is more about equilibrium. We ache to spend as much time together as we can get and if we had years without the craziness we have now we would still enjoy our time, but that crazy edge might not be as sharp.
To me it comes down to that we like each other. We still fight and get irritated but there is that thing inside that lets us go beyond the irritation. And the level of comfort makes making love incredible. That combination is deadly.
The point being I don't think we are based on sex or that is all we ever will be. The astrology works for us and it makes sense.
There is a yin and a yang here, we balance things out and I make your crazy less evident. ;)
Hee hee, love teasing my girl and I love you.
