Come sit on my lap and let's talk about whatever pops up.
Let's catch up on all we have missed out on and let chemistry take over. Maybe we'll make love or maybe I'll put you on all fours and have my way with you. Submit.
Let me feed you. Give yourself to me and I'll take you to our special place again.
Tell me about your troubles and rest in my arms. Let me carry you for a while. I am good at it and I can ease your mind. Instead of running around with 10,000 tabs open inside your head I'll help you make it only 6 or 9.
Maybe you'll do the same for me.
I feel you thinking and wondering. Hear you telling yourself to stay away and making lists of reasons why you should.
And I feel you coming back anyway.
Hard to feel out of control...isn't it.
Kind of fun too.
I know you remember that feeling and how surprised we were to feel like kids again.
So surreal to think how distant it can feel and know that in seconds it could change. There is magic here and always have been.
Don't ask me to explain how or why or tell you what I think I will happen because I choose to remain silent on that. You'll see is my answer.
You're sexy, beautiful and amazing. Always have been and always will be.
And now it is time for this old man to take his old worn out self elsewhere. If I can't be reproductive I have be productive and that requires focus elsewhere.
Good thing I have that laser focus too. It helps me get quite a bit a done in short bursts.
Fear is a funny thing too, we have become good friends...fear and I.
That fucker has been living with me for a long time, I know him far too well. But that is how life goes sometimes.
Visibility
Sweet and Salty Girl
Dear June,
My sweet and salty girl you are something else. If people ask me if I could survive being trapped on an island or locked in a closet and I say yes it is with you in mind.
You're still so damn sexy.
I suppose if the right circumstances presented them I would show you. I was kind of disappointed, kind of glad you haven't hugged me when I have seen you. You might have known what I thought even if I kept a straight face.
That is one thing girls never have to worry about. Don't get me wrong, I love being a man and wouldn't want to be a woman. It looks much harder to me and I figure why make life more difficult than it already is.
Anyway, I have all sorts of interesting images in my head now, some of them are with clothes and some are without. I do miss lying in bed with you and talking among other things. Who knows what tomorrow holds or who holds each other tomorrow.
My sweet and salty girl you are something else. If people ask me if I could survive being trapped on an island or locked in a closet and I say yes it is with you in mind.
You're still so damn sexy.
I suppose if the right circumstances presented them I would show you. I was kind of disappointed, kind of glad you haven't hugged me when I have seen you. You might have known what I thought even if I kept a straight face.
That is one thing girls never have to worry about. Don't get me wrong, I love being a man and wouldn't want to be a woman. It looks much harder to me and I figure why make life more difficult than it already is.
Anyway, I have all sorts of interesting images in my head now, some of them are with clothes and some are without. I do miss lying in bed with you and talking among other things. Who knows what tomorrow holds or who holds each other tomorrow.
Changes and Stuff
Dear Juneleh,
The dance continues, assuming that was you visiting here recently. It is always possible it was an uninvited person who found this place in ways that make me curious.
Sometimes that has irritated me and you know I don't forget that kind of shit. But the funny thing is I still find it exceptionally difficult to stay angry with you and that is noteworthy 'cuz anger is easy for me.
People who have crossed certain lines rarely get to come back, let alone forgiven.
It might sound ridiculous to you, but I figure if I can't just stay angry with you that means I ought to pay attention to who you are to me.
Since you are still hanging around it seems like you might agree.
People do change but sometimes the fundamental roots remain and that is what strikes me about you and I. I think the root is there.
I think the fire still burns.
I think you could end up in my arms and feel like no time has passed.
I still know your mind and body. I still know how to make your body tingle like no one else can. I don't care what anyone says, I have made love to you as often or more than any other.
We may not be kids any more. We may not be a lot of things, but some things I am certain of.
I am willing to bet that you feel the same emptiness I feel when we don't connect at all. The occasional touches online take a bit of the edge off but they aren't the same.
My best guess is that is part of why you haven't spent time alone with me. Not because you worry about whether I'll try to get you in bed but that you will let me.
I think you miss having me as your best friend. I know I miss you.
One of the things I like best about us is knowing that we are both strong enough to keep walking and that things could go like this forever.
Doesn't mean that I want it to be like that because I think we are smart and capable but even though I know things I don't know all of the future.
And I know I won't always admit certain things like right now I burn and I ache.
That is why anger is so damn useful. If I go looking for it I can push the burning and ache aside and pretend it never existed.
Fate is a fickle fuck and I'd fight it and a million others to get to that other side.
Got to run and get back to reality now and see where this road leads cuz life is nothing like I expected it to be.
Some of that is good and some of it is less good.
Love burns baby and sometimes love stinks.
But regardless of whether you tell me to walk away and go fuck myself, to come closer or anything else, know that you have been exceptionally important to another.
The dance continues, assuming that was you visiting here recently. It is always possible it was an uninvited person who found this place in ways that make me curious.
Sometimes that has irritated me and you know I don't forget that kind of shit. But the funny thing is I still find it exceptionally difficult to stay angry with you and that is noteworthy 'cuz anger is easy for me.
People who have crossed certain lines rarely get to come back, let alone forgiven.
It might sound ridiculous to you, but I figure if I can't just stay angry with you that means I ought to pay attention to who you are to me.
Since you are still hanging around it seems like you might agree.
People do change but sometimes the fundamental roots remain and that is what strikes me about you and I. I think the root is there.
I think the fire still burns.
I think you could end up in my arms and feel like no time has passed.
I still know your mind and body. I still know how to make your body tingle like no one else can. I don't care what anyone says, I have made love to you as often or more than any other.
We may not be kids any more. We may not be a lot of things, but some things I am certain of.
I am willing to bet that you feel the same emptiness I feel when we don't connect at all. The occasional touches online take a bit of the edge off but they aren't the same.
My best guess is that is part of why you haven't spent time alone with me. Not because you worry about whether I'll try to get you in bed but that you will let me.
I think you miss having me as your best friend. I know I miss you.
One of the things I like best about us is knowing that we are both strong enough to keep walking and that things could go like this forever.
Doesn't mean that I want it to be like that because I think we are smart and capable but even though I know things I don't know all of the future.
And I know I won't always admit certain things like right now I burn and I ache.
That is why anger is so damn useful. If I go looking for it I can push the burning and ache aside and pretend it never existed.
Fate is a fickle fuck and I'd fight it and a million others to get to that other side.
Got to run and get back to reality now and see where this road leads cuz life is nothing like I expected it to be.
Some of that is good and some of it is less good.
Love burns baby and sometimes love stinks.
But regardless of whether you tell me to walk away and go fuck myself, to come closer or anything else, know that you have been exceptionally important to another.
We Circle Each Other & Dance
Dear Juneleh,
Looks like we are doing our thing, the one where we circle each other and dance. I tease you about animal magnetism and do that thing where I pull your ponytail.
Sometimes you respond with anger and sometimes it is not real anger. Sometimes it is just sexual tension. Sometimes the thought of whether my hands should be on your hips or holding your head is the unspoken idea.
The tension of staring, thinking and wondering. Should we let our guard down and make love or just fuck.
Memories rise from the depths and I feel your mind, heart and body respond to mine. I think about what it would be like to take you. Think about reminding you how to submit and be dominated as well as to engage in real partnership.
Everything is different and nothing has changed. The great contradiction of knowing the potential we share and the question of whether we will ignore it and move on or follow it.
I know I saw a birthday greeting from you but it disappeared. I don't know what happened because I didn't touch it. I never got to say thank you or acknowledge it, but I do appreciate it.
Life's a hell of a ride, isn't it.
Looks like we are doing our thing, the one where we circle each other and dance. I tease you about animal magnetism and do that thing where I pull your ponytail.
Sometimes you respond with anger and sometimes it is not real anger. Sometimes it is just sexual tension. Sometimes the thought of whether my hands should be on your hips or holding your head is the unspoken idea.
The tension of staring, thinking and wondering. Should we let our guard down and make love or just fuck.
Memories rise from the depths and I feel your mind, heart and body respond to mine. I think about what it would be like to take you. Think about reminding you how to submit and be dominated as well as to engage in real partnership.
Everything is different and nothing has changed. The great contradiction of knowing the potential we share and the question of whether we will ignore it and move on or follow it.
I know I saw a birthday greeting from you but it disappeared. I don't know what happened because I didn't touch it. I never got to say thank you or acknowledge it, but I do appreciate it.
Life's a hell of a ride, isn't it.
Experiences
Dear June,
When we first moved from just 'talking' about our history into the things we wanted to do with and to each other you told me I would love your lips. "They'll feel like pillows."
You were right, they did...everywhere or so I recall.
It is possible I might have forgotten or become confused so if you want to show me I might consider letting you.
Or maybe I might say no because I have taken a vow of chastity and become a monk.
I could say more and maybe one day I will. I make no predictions here, but I will promise you have never had a better hug than mine.
There is a solid reason for that.
Anyway, I have a million miles to cover and some things can't be shared here...today.
When we first moved from just 'talking' about our history into the things we wanted to do with and to each other you told me I would love your lips. "They'll feel like pillows."
You were right, they did...everywhere or so I recall.
It is possible I might have forgotten or become confused so if you want to show me I might consider letting you.
Or maybe I might say no because I have taken a vow of chastity and become a monk.
I could say more and maybe one day I will. I make no predictions here, but I will promise you have never had a better hug than mine.
There is a solid reason for that.
Anyway, I have a million miles to cover and some things can't be shared here...today.
June, June, June
Dear June,
There is no snow upon the ground but I sometimes wonder if it lies upon our hearts.
Been so much going on in my life I wonder how I manage to lift my head and enjoy the warmth of the son upon my face.
And then I remember, I do it because I don't know any other way.
I can feel myself changing and I wonder where it leads and what it will lead to.
So many challenges overcome and so many still ahead.
Sometimes I swear I feel you thinking about walking into my arms and sometimes I think it is just the dreams of a crazy man.
Sometimes I think many things and say nothing because silence and I have become close friends.
This aging thing isn't easy. I work out twice as hard for half the gains and enjoy strange aches and pains.
But I feel and see progress.
I had to visit a hotel we once spent time in.
It made me smile, the memories.
The guy I was with asked me why I was smiling and I told him the memories were good. He said they must have been amazing because I had a Cheshire Cat grin.
I told him they got better as time went on.
He told me he hoped I could make new ones and I said that is a good toast for us all.
The future is bright, even if it is a little bit scary.
My eyes are wide open. I see possibility.
10,000 Letters
Someone must have received 10,000 letters from an old fool who knows not what he does or doesn't do. A guy who suspects that the right combination of words will be a catalyst for something he doesn't quite understand.
So he writes his words down upon the page and wonders if she hears them and if maybe she feels them too. He suspects he is right but anticipates he'll be told he is wrong. Maybe it is to protect himself or maybe it is because it is possible.
But every time he ever thinks he knows or understands something happens that makes him figure he doesn't understand a damn thing.
Will time provide answers or leave him with questions? He doesn't know.
All he knows is he wonders what would happen if lips met lips cuz it scares him a little bit to think about it in the all the right and wrong ways.
Cuz he is not sure there has ever been a bad kiss or that it ever felt awkward and that throws him a little bit. Do you leave that alone and let the moss grow upon it or do you engage in science and determine as Neal Degrasse Tyson would whether hypothesis meets reality.
Maybe letter writing is mental masturbation and maybe it is something far more. Who can say.
So he writes his words down upon the page and wonders if she hears them and if maybe she feels them too. He suspects he is right but anticipates he'll be told he is wrong. Maybe it is to protect himself or maybe it is because it is possible.
But every time he ever thinks he knows or understands something happens that makes him figure he doesn't understand a damn thing.
Will time provide answers or leave him with questions? He doesn't know.
All he knows is he wonders what would happen if lips met lips cuz it scares him a little bit to think about it in the all the right and wrong ways.
Cuz he is not sure there has ever been a bad kiss or that it ever felt awkward and that throws him a little bit. Do you leave that alone and let the moss grow upon it or do you engage in science and determine as Neal Degrasse Tyson would whether hypothesis meets reality.
Maybe letter writing is mental masturbation and maybe it is something far more. Who can say.
Dreams
Dearest June,
My dreams are vivid and sometimes when I wake it takes a moment for me to figure out where they start and where they stop because they feel so real.
I hear the echoes of the voices of those who were with me, smell their scent and feel their touch. I lie in bed, sometimes eyes open, sometimes eyes closed and take a moment to let it all settle inside my mind.
Occasionally I am certain what happened is a preface or prelude to other things that will be. You may think me crazy, but I have dreamt of being with you more than once and some of those times did come true.
You may see we love or loved each other so deeply and passionately there wasn't anything special about it and perhaps you are right. But perhaps I am too.
Maybe both can be true.
Had another one of those not so long ago, only remember pieces, fragments of images and mostly go off that crazy gut feeling of mine.
So here I sit staring out the window wondering whether what I see, feel and think is likely to go in particular and specific directions. At times I feel so much like it is just me against the world and then again I feel like I have a ton of support.
Maybe both can be true here too.
Something tells me it won't be long before I get some answers. Something tells me I am going to get to experience some serious highs and some serious lows. I'd prefer to be in the middle, but we don't always get that chance.
I'd tell you I want a hug and maybe something else but you already assume that so I'll just leave it unsaid and let you wonder if I am leaving it to your imagination or something else.
I need to stop fighting online with some of these Trump supporters, They are too fucking stupid to see reality, but I am too dumb to just leave it alone thinking that maybe I'll reach one or two fence sitters and push them back towards the light and away from the dark side.
-Johnny
My dreams are vivid and sometimes when I wake it takes a moment for me to figure out where they start and where they stop because they feel so real.
I hear the echoes of the voices of those who were with me, smell their scent and feel their touch. I lie in bed, sometimes eyes open, sometimes eyes closed and take a moment to let it all settle inside my mind.
Occasionally I am certain what happened is a preface or prelude to other things that will be. You may think me crazy, but I have dreamt of being with you more than once and some of those times did come true.
You may see we love or loved each other so deeply and passionately there wasn't anything special about it and perhaps you are right. But perhaps I am too.
Maybe both can be true.
Had another one of those not so long ago, only remember pieces, fragments of images and mostly go off that crazy gut feeling of mine.
So here I sit staring out the window wondering whether what I see, feel and think is likely to go in particular and specific directions. At times I feel so much like it is just me against the world and then again I feel like I have a ton of support.
Maybe both can be true here too.
Something tells me it won't be long before I get some answers. Something tells me I am going to get to experience some serious highs and some serious lows. I'd prefer to be in the middle, but we don't always get that chance.
I'd tell you I want a hug and maybe something else but you already assume that so I'll just leave it unsaid and let you wonder if I am leaving it to your imagination or something else.
I need to stop fighting online with some of these Trump supporters, They are too fucking stupid to see reality, but I am too dumb to just leave it alone thinking that maybe I'll reach one or two fence sitters and push them back towards the light and away from the dark side.
-Johnny
Face To Face
Should I tell you what I think would happen if we were alone and face-to-face or should I let you guess what you think I think will happen.
You probably think it is something about love or sex or sex and love.
Could be.
Could be something different.
I could surprise you. That might be how you ended up naked once.
Or maybe you surprised me and that is how I ended up naked.
Someone once said that they don't like getting naked as a middle aged person. It sort of bothers me because I know what I once looked like and how I want to look.
But getting naked on that deeper level is far more interesting and far more frightening to me. It is a flame that makes me run away and pulls me closer all at the same time.
I wonder if you remember my scent.
I wonder if scent drives people--not perfume/cologne but something like pheromones that we may not necessarily know we are smelling.
Depth is what I seek more than anything else.
That castle was deep and the residents were too.
Shallow is dull and mundane.
If you can't push to reach the deeper places you miss out. Stuck somewhere between Neruda, Marlowe and Kipling I hear a million echoes
My eyes close, memories flow through it, a raging river of thoughts and ideas asking for decisions to be made.
You probably think it is something about love or sex or sex and love.
Could be.
Could be something different.
I could surprise you. That might be how you ended up naked once.
Or maybe you surprised me and that is how I ended up naked.
Someone once said that they don't like getting naked as a middle aged person. It sort of bothers me because I know what I once looked like and how I want to look.
But getting naked on that deeper level is far more interesting and far more frightening to me. It is a flame that makes me run away and pulls me closer all at the same time.
I wonder if you remember my scent.
I wonder if scent drives people--not perfume/cologne but something like pheromones that we may not necessarily know we are smelling.
Depth is what I seek more than anything else.
That castle was deep and the residents were too.
Shallow is dull and mundane.
If you can't push to reach the deeper places you miss out. Stuck somewhere between Neruda, Marlowe and Kipling I hear a million echoes
“I love you only because it's you the one I love; I hate you deeply, and hating you Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.”
"And I will make thee beds of Roses And a thousand fragrant posies, A cap of flowers, and a kirtle Embroidered all with leaves of Myrtle;"
"NOW this is the law of the jungle, as old and as true as the sky, And the wolf that shall keep it may prosper, but the wolf that shall break it must die. As the creeper that girdles the tree trunk, the law runneth forward and back; For the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack."This and that floats through my head and I remember I could be a poet, the ability is within-all that remains is the choice to do so.
My eyes close, memories flow through it, a raging river of thoughts and ideas asking for decisions to be made.
June In Spring
Dear June,
I play around with texting or calling you and asking you out to just talk about life. There are moments when I miss you terribly and I can't help but believe you miss us too.
I don't ever question my ability to reach you via my online words because I know you will always appreciate my writing. I know if nothing else you'll be one of my biggest fans there.
But let's put all that aside and say I understand people change and that things change. I understand I could be off on lots of things and the fucking lunatic. But I also know you called me the love of your life and that you don't just say things.
So I am certain you love me, might not be in love but love me nonetheless. Hell, that won't ever change for me. I'll always love you, is it in love now? Hell if I know. I frankly keep that door mostly closed.
But I also know for me the fire could start pretty quickly and I suspect it could for you too. Maybe we'll find out and maybe we'll never know. You taught me more than a decade ago that I can't predict or control much. All I can do is walk my path and see where it leads.
So as much as I want to get the answer to whether kissing you will provide an immediate electric shock for both of us I will sit still and see how life unfolds.
*****
All that aside I know you understand what it is like to have a sick parent. Given the very bad situation I stare at now I wonder if I offered enough support when you were going through it with your dad. I hope you feel like I did because it is brutal.
So sometimes when I think of calling I think about prefacing it by saying I just want to talk about sick parents and how strange it is to see the strongest men we know deteriorate in ways we never believed possible.
It is probably why I have begun pushing myself harder to reclaim certain aspects of myself. I can't stomach the idea of being incapable of doing some things. I am so much less physically than I once was but that is a guy who had no responsibilities and spent two hours a day working out.
So I can give myself a break and say I don't have to be who I was at 20 but I can be close. I can put myself in a position where age won't take it all away. Or at least I think I can.
I can't say for certain without experiencing it, guess I can do my best and hope it is enough.
That is all we have got.
*****
I play around with texting or calling you and asking you out to just talk about life. There are moments when I miss you terribly and I can't help but believe you miss us too.
I don't ever question my ability to reach you via my online words because I know you will always appreciate my writing. I know if nothing else you'll be one of my biggest fans there.
But let's put all that aside and say I understand people change and that things change. I understand I could be off on lots of things and the fucking lunatic. But I also know you called me the love of your life and that you don't just say things.
So I am certain you love me, might not be in love but love me nonetheless. Hell, that won't ever change for me. I'll always love you, is it in love now? Hell if I know. I frankly keep that door mostly closed.
But I also know for me the fire could start pretty quickly and I suspect it could for you too. Maybe we'll find out and maybe we'll never know. You taught me more than a decade ago that I can't predict or control much. All I can do is walk my path and see where it leads.
So as much as I want to get the answer to whether kissing you will provide an immediate electric shock for both of us I will sit still and see how life unfolds.
*****
All that aside I know you understand what it is like to have a sick parent. Given the very bad situation I stare at now I wonder if I offered enough support when you were going through it with your dad. I hope you feel like I did because it is brutal.
So sometimes when I think of calling I think about prefacing it by saying I just want to talk about sick parents and how strange it is to see the strongest men we know deteriorate in ways we never believed possible.
It is probably why I have begun pushing myself harder to reclaim certain aspects of myself. I can't stomach the idea of being incapable of doing some things. I am so much less physically than I once was but that is a guy who had no responsibilities and spent two hours a day working out.
So I can give myself a break and say I don't have to be who I was at 20 but I can be close. I can put myself in a position where age won't take it all away. Or at least I think I can.
I can't say for certain without experiencing it, guess I can do my best and hope it is enough.
That is all we have got.
*****
Can't believe how big our kids have gotten and how close we are to entering the next phase. Funny to think about how that is going to happen regardless of any choices we make. Funny to see these babies become real people who make choices about what and who they want to be.
It has gone so very fast and it is not going to slow down. Been a hell of a ride and who the fuck knows where it is going to lead. I sure don't. Got some ideas but all they are ideas.
Time for me to get back to some things. Life has been really fucking good and really fucking hard. Good thing I am stubborn enough to not just give up and smart enough to understand I know nothing. That combination seems to work.
And now I have been far more open than I ever planned or expected to be in this post. Shit, I was surprised again. Ain't life a hoot.
-Johnny
Who Needs Sleep
Hi June,
Think I got 3 hours of sleep last night, if that and it wasn't consecutive. To say I feel like hell isn't an understatement. I am sure I look like it too. If you propositioned me today I might even say no.
I don't know if anything would work down there, the headache I have now makes it hard to focus upon anything. But it does occur to me that we are looking at at around 15 or 16 years of 'knowing' each other. That is a trip, hard to believe.
Hoping my head clears up, got to get on a plane. Pancreatic cancer is a bitch and we're not sure what sort of treatment might be possible, if any. Sucks, but what can you do but hope the old man fools the docs again.
He did it before, maybe it will happen again. I am not real hopeful, but hopeful nonetheless. And regardless heading out to spend time with him. I don't want to join this club of people missing a parent or both.
Guess I have no choice, sooner or later...
Hope I can sleep tonight and that this is like a 24 hour bug or something. So irritated and angry.
Think I got 3 hours of sleep last night, if that and it wasn't consecutive. To say I feel like hell isn't an understatement. I am sure I look like it too. If you propositioned me today I might even say no.
I don't know if anything would work down there, the headache I have now makes it hard to focus upon anything. But it does occur to me that we are looking at at around 15 or 16 years of 'knowing' each other. That is a trip, hard to believe.
Hoping my head clears up, got to get on a plane. Pancreatic cancer is a bitch and we're not sure what sort of treatment might be possible, if any. Sucks, but what can you do but hope the old man fools the docs again.
He did it before, maybe it will happen again. I am not real hopeful, but hopeful nonetheless. And regardless heading out to spend time with him. I don't want to join this club of people missing a parent or both.
Guess I have no choice, sooner or later...
Hope I can sleep tonight and that this is like a 24 hour bug or something. So irritated and angry.
