So I am taking a survey in which I am trying to determine if we are falling deeper in love. Now you might expect me to come up with a list of clever questions and answers in which I alternately make your heart melt and you smile so broadly it hurts.
But I am not going to do that this time because I want to post several times here and in the other places I haunt.
And because I just don't feel like it.
Besides I'll answer it in my way--
Yes.
That is how it feels to me. Deeper and more mature.
We may be tired and worn out by bits and pieces of life but we genuinely like each other and that is important.
I read recently that the couples that last the longest and do the best are the ones who are friends and as you keep telling me, we are that.
When we are together I always feel a little electrical charge and I can't ever imagine that going away. We like touching each other and being connected. Our communication is fantastic and I know that we understand how to take each other.
We may disagree on some things but the fundamental stuff is solid and that my sweet girl is a big part of why it works so well. And it is also a big part of why our sex life won't ever get old.
You may think I am exaggerating but I love kissing you and I love feeling you melt against me and knowing that you want me to just take you. Not just that, but knowing that your whole body is mine to "play" with turns me on like you don't know.
You are just sexy to me and always will be.
I may not be a teenager any more but I want to learn with you all over again.
Visibility
I Am Back
Dear June,
I suppose your wondering if I stopped writing because "I got what I wanted" and that you won't see these posts because of it.
Nah, that is not why. Mostly it is because I have been really busy at work and when I haven't been there I have been hanging with you. And it is because I wanted to see how you would react. Wanted to make sure you would be good with things.
You seem to be and my guess is that if you feel comfortable you are going to find yourself looking up at me more frequently and that makes me smile.
I feel like I am being squeezed on every side and sometimes the pressure makes me feel a bit crazy. You are not the cause or reason but you need to remember I will react strongly to some things because they are the areas that bother me the most.
So if I feel like you poked me there I might snap at you or I might not. I might not tell you I am aggravated because I don't want to fight and I don't think you mean to piss me off. We have enough nonsense without that.
If I think it is important I'll tell you but I don't see an upside to always saying what irks us about the other. Don't over analyze that or go asking me to give you examples because I don't have a list to share with you, other than the 30 years of blow jobs and sexual favors I missed out on. ;)
Just sharing the thought because this is our strength, the ability to communicate about it all and it is a big part of why we trust each other so much. And I suspect that trust is also tied into why sometimes it hurts more when one of us does something.
Anyway, don't get caught up in the female nonsense that makes you wonder why you haven't seen anything here.
Tried to take a nap but couldn't sleep so I grabbed a big cup of coffee and here I am. Going to update the other places too, at least some of them.
I love you baby, even when you are a PITA. ;) Hee hee
I suppose your wondering if I stopped writing because "I got what I wanted" and that you won't see these posts because of it.
Nah, that is not why. Mostly it is because I have been really busy at work and when I haven't been there I have been hanging with you. And it is because I wanted to see how you would react. Wanted to make sure you would be good with things.
You seem to be and my guess is that if you feel comfortable you are going to find yourself looking up at me more frequently and that makes me smile.
I feel like I am being squeezed on every side and sometimes the pressure makes me feel a bit crazy. You are not the cause or reason but you need to remember I will react strongly to some things because they are the areas that bother me the most.
So if I feel like you poked me there I might snap at you or I might not. I might not tell you I am aggravated because I don't want to fight and I don't think you mean to piss me off. We have enough nonsense without that.
If I think it is important I'll tell you but I don't see an upside to always saying what irks us about the other. Don't over analyze that or go asking me to give you examples because I don't have a list to share with you, other than the 30 years of blow jobs and sexual favors I missed out on. ;)
Just sharing the thought because this is our strength, the ability to communicate about it all and it is a big part of why we trust each other so much. And I suspect that trust is also tied into why sometimes it hurts more when one of us does something.
Anyway, don't get caught up in the female nonsense that makes you wonder why you haven't seen anything here.
Tried to take a nap but couldn't sleep so I grabbed a big cup of coffee and here I am. Going to update the other places too, at least some of them.
I love you baby, even when you are a PITA. ;) Hee hee
Wonderful
It was wonderful June, simply wonderful and there is more good stuff to come. I loved spending time with you and I can't wait to do it again.
I am enjoying all of the time we have managed to find and will take whatever I can get. You never fail to make me smile.
You mean the world to me.
I am enjoying all of the time we have managed to find and will take whatever I can get. You never fail to make me smile.
You mean the world to me.
What If
Saturday morning and I am up much earlier than I normally would be, not particularly happy about it either but shit happens.
You are my girl whether you admit it or not, for no other reason than when you are excited or upset or just interested in company I am the person you come looking for. That means something.
Your challenge is to turn of the "what if" inside your head and try to deal with what is.It is not always easy and I am not always good at it either, but it makes life easier.
If had done a better job of it we might already be married and could have another two kids to love and have fun with.
But years ago I got scared and the what if factors had me wondering about every little thing. What if we had those two more kids. What if we had four. It wasn't completely ridiculous to think about.
What if there were six or eight between us. What if things didn't work. What then. How about this and how about that.
Well I am stopped worrying about most of the what ifs because they are whispers that suck the joy out of life and I have enough stress without that. Moving towards today I could get lost in the what ifs again. I could say that we are fools to do what we are doing. I could make a case for how silly and dangerous it is and I can do the exact opposite too.
Here is where I am coming from. I really do believe that we were put in this position but I can't tell you why or maybe I am afraid to try. Either way it doesn't matter because I know how I plan on handling everything.
One day at a time.
I am so very glad we found each other again. Not going to worry about whether it is right or wrong or complicated because things are better. Maybe that is selfish but sometimes we have to be. Sometimes we are entitled to be. Sometimes we need to be, for our own mental and emotional health.
I don't know if we are going to sleep together tomorrow. I truly don't have a plan to try and make it happen nor a promise to say it won't. My plan is to unwind from a ridiculously hard week and to do it with a woman who makes me very happy.
If you want my honest thoughts I'll say that even if you don't feel sexual you would still love to let me have you and here is why. You are kind, giving and nurturing and it would make you feel good to give yourself to me because I would be happy.
If you decide to do it you'll let me do whatever I want because if I am happy you are happy. It is one of the things I love about you. I love that nurturing side.
But I understand that there is a world of noise and chaos inside your head and why you might not do it. I can tell you that you should let it happen because it doesn't have to be an all or nothing proposition and that when you say sneaking around it doesn't have to mean every week or multiple times a week.
But I also understand that might not work for you or maybe it will.
And that line of thought is really why I am going to drop it because it doesn't line up with one day at a time. I want to focus on what we know and what is.
In its simplest form we know we love each other and that we make each other happy. I won't suggest what that should or should not lead to because we don't need to do that. Sometimes you just say I love you and life is better and leave it at that because our control is very limited.
Here we are in a place that you could say is completely unexpected and yet makes total sense too.
So come sit on my lap and we'll just hold each other for a few and be thankful for the gifts that come with that.
You are my girl whether you admit it or not, for no other reason than when you are excited or upset or just interested in company I am the person you come looking for. That means something.
Your challenge is to turn of the "what if" inside your head and try to deal with what is.It is not always easy and I am not always good at it either, but it makes life easier.
If had done a better job of it we might already be married and could have another two kids to love and have fun with.
But years ago I got scared and the what if factors had me wondering about every little thing. What if we had those two more kids. What if we had four. It wasn't completely ridiculous to think about.
What if there were six or eight between us. What if things didn't work. What then. How about this and how about that.
Well I am stopped worrying about most of the what ifs because they are whispers that suck the joy out of life and I have enough stress without that. Moving towards today I could get lost in the what ifs again. I could say that we are fools to do what we are doing. I could make a case for how silly and dangerous it is and I can do the exact opposite too.
Here is where I am coming from. I really do believe that we were put in this position but I can't tell you why or maybe I am afraid to try. Either way it doesn't matter because I know how I plan on handling everything.
One day at a time.
I am so very glad we found each other again. Not going to worry about whether it is right or wrong or complicated because things are better. Maybe that is selfish but sometimes we have to be. Sometimes we are entitled to be. Sometimes we need to be, for our own mental and emotional health.
I don't know if we are going to sleep together tomorrow. I truly don't have a plan to try and make it happen nor a promise to say it won't. My plan is to unwind from a ridiculously hard week and to do it with a woman who makes me very happy.
If you want my honest thoughts I'll say that even if you don't feel sexual you would still love to let me have you and here is why. You are kind, giving and nurturing and it would make you feel good to give yourself to me because I would be happy.
If you decide to do it you'll let me do whatever I want because if I am happy you are happy. It is one of the things I love about you. I love that nurturing side.
But I understand that there is a world of noise and chaos inside your head and why you might not do it. I can tell you that you should let it happen because it doesn't have to be an all or nothing proposition and that when you say sneaking around it doesn't have to mean every week or multiple times a week.
But I also understand that might not work for you or maybe it will.
And that line of thought is really why I am going to drop it because it doesn't line up with one day at a time. I want to focus on what we know and what is.
In its simplest form we know we love each other and that we make each other happy. I won't suggest what that should or should not lead to because we don't need to do that. Sometimes you just say I love you and life is better and leave it at that because our control is very limited.
Here we are in a place that you could say is completely unexpected and yet makes total sense too.
So come sit on my lap and we'll just hold each other for a few and be thankful for the gifts that come with that.
Dreams
Well woman I had a dream earlier today that we slept together. Didn't mention it because I don't want you stressed out about it, believe it or not I don't only associate you with sex.
But for what it is worth it was amazing for both of us so there is that.
I think the secret if there is such a thing is tied into how close we are. I think when we let things flow and trust each other is when things feel the best between us.
If there is a strain it is when we hold back or maybe that is just me.
Intuition is a funny thing. I don't want to believe in it because I can't touch it. Can't verify that it exists yet I find that many times it just works.
Can't wait to sleep with you, talking real sleep. It is going to feel so good to just relax. I have never given so much trust to anyone besides you. Sometimes it makes me crazy to just let go like that, but it feels good.
It is part of why I just know that we can heal each other. That trust is central to us. It is part of our cores as individuals, people who don't just let go but I know we do with each other.
BTW, I stopped writing for a few because we were just texting each other so if this rambles more than usual...
The trust we feel and have for each other is huge. It is powerful and if we let it we can use it to really build more happiness. Because we can use it to let go some of the weight we carry around.
When I see you this weekend I am going to wrap you in my arms and walk you to the bed and give you one hell of a massage. And then I am going to climb in with you, wrap you up again and make you feel secure so that you can sleep.
I love you so much baby, I hate that you are upset like this.
But for what it is worth it was amazing for both of us so there is that.
I think the secret if there is such a thing is tied into how close we are. I think when we let things flow and trust each other is when things feel the best between us.
If there is a strain it is when we hold back or maybe that is just me.
Intuition is a funny thing. I don't want to believe in it because I can't touch it. Can't verify that it exists yet I find that many times it just works.
Can't wait to sleep with you, talking real sleep. It is going to feel so good to just relax. I have never given so much trust to anyone besides you. Sometimes it makes me crazy to just let go like that, but it feels good.
It is part of why I just know that we can heal each other. That trust is central to us. It is part of our cores as individuals, people who don't just let go but I know we do with each other.
BTW, I stopped writing for a few because we were just texting each other so if this rambles more than usual...
The trust we feel and have for each other is huge. It is powerful and if we let it we can use it to really build more happiness. Because we can use it to let go some of the weight we carry around.
When I see you this weekend I am going to wrap you in my arms and walk you to the bed and give you one hell of a massage. And then I am going to climb in with you, wrap you up again and make you feel secure so that you can sleep.
I love you so much baby, I hate that you are upset like this.
The Promises We Make
Dear June,
If you saw me writing this you might be overcome with emotion but I am not sure if would be the sort of passion that would make you pull me off of the chair to engage in your former favorite activity, but maybe.
If you go back through the earliest posts here and look at the promises and thoughts you'll see that we have been consistent. You might take that to mean that I am stuck in the past and that I am trying to bring back the 36 year-old girl who promised to wear me out.
But I am really not.
We aren't those people any more and that is ok. It is ok because I have no ability to change that and I have to accept it just as you do. But that doesn't mean that I have to accept every little thing or worry that everything that could go wrong will.;
I don't buy trouble.
Sometimes I forget to follow my own advice and sometimes I act other than I want to, but hell I am just a man.
It means that I accept that there are things that are imperfect and situations that are not as I wish them to be. It means that I know that things can be complicated and awkward but that I am not willing to just ignore some things because the water gets rough.
It is one day at a time for me but it is also with my eyes open.
Do you not know how much joy I got from kissing you. Can you tell me that you didn't feel the charge or that there was this imperfect perfection there.
Tell me when you got your news today who did you run to. Who did you think of. Who did you look to share it with. Who made you feel better and why.
This is not me trying to manipulate you into agreeing to open your secret garden to me. This is not me trying to convince you to let me take you. I don't have to ask.
You mention it often because you want it and fear the consequences. I already know it is mine to take and I know you will talk about whether I am ignoring your wishes or not.
But I am not hear to debate that or not. I am hear to point out that when you love your best friend and know that they will be there you can rest more comfortably because you can hold their hand and know you will figure it out.
And you don't have to get lost, angry or upset because that is not specific or detailed. All you need to do is submit and accept that you are loved.
If you go back through the earliest posts here and look at the promises and thoughts you'll see that we have been consistent. You might take that to mean that I am stuck in the past and that I am trying to bring back the 36 year-old girl who promised to wear me out.
But I am really not.
We aren't those people any more and that is ok. It is ok because I have no ability to change that and I have to accept it just as you do. But that doesn't mean that I have to accept every little thing or worry that everything that could go wrong will.;
I don't buy trouble.
Sometimes I forget to follow my own advice and sometimes I act other than I want to, but hell I am just a man.
It means that I accept that there are things that are imperfect and situations that are not as I wish them to be. It means that I know that things can be complicated and awkward but that I am not willing to just ignore some things because the water gets rough.
It is one day at a time for me but it is also with my eyes open.
Do you not know how much joy I got from kissing you. Can you tell me that you didn't feel the charge or that there was this imperfect perfection there.
Tell me when you got your news today who did you run to. Who did you think of. Who did you look to share it with. Who made you feel better and why.
This is not me trying to manipulate you into agreeing to open your secret garden to me. This is not me trying to convince you to let me take you. I don't have to ask.
You mention it often because you want it and fear the consequences. I already know it is mine to take and I know you will talk about whether I am ignoring your wishes or not.
But I am not hear to debate that or not. I am hear to point out that when you love your best friend and know that they will be there you can rest more comfortably because you can hold their hand and know you will figure it out.
And you don't have to get lost, angry or upset because that is not specific or detailed. All you need to do is submit and accept that you are loved.
What Are Words
Dear Sweet June,
A few minutes after nine and I am finally at the computer. I think I must be exhausted and that is why I feel off, but that is not enough to keep me from writing you.
I was going to start with a quote from All I Ask Of You and then I thought I would go a different direction, maybe And So It Goes by Bill Joel or a line from Bruce.
"The screen door slams
Marys dress sways
Like a vision she dances across the porch
As the radio plays
Roy orbison singing for the lonely
Hey that's me and I want you only
Don't turn me home again
I just can't face myself alone again
Don't run back inside
Darling you know just what Im here for
So you're scared and you're thinking
That maybe we aint that young anymore
Show a little faith, there's magic in the night"
Thunder Road
We found that magic again now didn't we. We found it and now as much as you want to run to it part of you wants to run from it. It is that ring of fire we know so well, that one that burns, burns, burns and the pain is ever so sweet.
And then I thought about Silver Springs and how I watched a bunch of videos of Lindsey and Stevie singing together. And I remembered how in one of them they said Stevie stopped singing because she was crying and Lindsay had to finish.
And I thought about how that part killed me because I could picture us and I wondered if I was an idiot who had dreams of a life that never was and a love that was always better in my mind than in reality.
And then I kissed you yesterday and I remembered all that I had never forgotten all that I had always known. It has always been real. It is the real thing, never was anything but that.
And here we are dancing in and around the fire, burning, aching alone and apart and then together again.
And I thought about whether I should just let you be because I love you like I have never loved anyone and I said fuck no, I ain't walking. (See, I learned hick) and I was ok. I was good because this is just how it has to be for now.
And by that I mean I know I just have to let it unfold and see what happens, where it goes and all that other crap.
I know about being worn out and feeling like life has been a little bit more difficult than it could. I know about guilt and conflicted emotions but I know about more than that. I know about three weeks compressing five years of silence and turning it into something that feels like it never happened.
I know that it feels like no time has passed and that we are together as we have always been. I know that our experiences separate and together have made us stronger and better able to weather the storms.
I know more than just things.
And I come back to old familiar places and listen to them sing No Will Ever Love you and know that there is more than a little magic in the night. Know that one kiss set the world on fire and that I can kiss you and make you legs go weak.
I know that I can make love to you and unleash waves of passion that have been buried for millenia and that I want to because you deserve it. I want to help you feel what you have forgotten and to feel like you are floating because you deserve all that and though you may feel like you don't I don't care because I don't accept that.
Don't accept it because it doesn't make sense and I get that it may be misunderstood as being selfish in nature. I know you may try to make excuses and that you may think this is just me trying to find a way back inside, but understand woman, I don't have to try to find the way, the door is already open.
I want it because I want to take you the rest of the way into our special world. I want you to be there and to completely let go and let me carry you, if even for a moment because you do a fantastic job of taking care of everyone but yourself.
So I can keep going. I can write more about how beautiful you are and how sexy. I can say it, but I want you to see if reflected in my eyes and I want you to reach the point and place where you accept it.
Some relationships can't be stopped, they can only be slowed down.
I know things, lots of things and though I can't tell you everything that will happen I can tell you we are not going to just let go of each other now. Been through too much to just walk. Now we just enjoy and see what the days will bring.
There is no rush. Just enjoy babeleh and remember your Johnny never stopped loving you and never quite gave up.
A few minutes after nine and I am finally at the computer. I think I must be exhausted and that is why I feel off, but that is not enough to keep me from writing you.
I was going to start with a quote from All I Ask Of You and then I thought I would go a different direction, maybe And So It Goes by Bill Joel or a line from Bruce.
"The screen door slams
Marys dress sways
Like a vision she dances across the porch
As the radio plays
Roy orbison singing for the lonely
Hey that's me and I want you only
Don't turn me home again
I just can't face myself alone again
Don't run back inside
Darling you know just what Im here for
So you're scared and you're thinking
That maybe we aint that young anymore
Show a little faith, there's magic in the night"
Thunder Road
We found that magic again now didn't we. We found it and now as much as you want to run to it part of you wants to run from it. It is that ring of fire we know so well, that one that burns, burns, burns and the pain is ever so sweet.
And then I thought about Silver Springs and how I watched a bunch of videos of Lindsey and Stevie singing together. And I remembered how in one of them they said Stevie stopped singing because she was crying and Lindsay had to finish.
And I thought about how that part killed me because I could picture us and I wondered if I was an idiot who had dreams of a life that never was and a love that was always better in my mind than in reality.
And then I kissed you yesterday and I remembered all that I had never forgotten all that I had always known. It has always been real. It is the real thing, never was anything but that.
And here we are dancing in and around the fire, burning, aching alone and apart and then together again.
And I thought about whether I should just let you be because I love you like I have never loved anyone and I said fuck no, I ain't walking. (See, I learned hick) and I was ok. I was good because this is just how it has to be for now.
And by that I mean I know I just have to let it unfold and see what happens, where it goes and all that other crap.
I know about being worn out and feeling like life has been a little bit more difficult than it could. I know about guilt and conflicted emotions but I know about more than that. I know about three weeks compressing five years of silence and turning it into something that feels like it never happened.
I know that it feels like no time has passed and that we are together as we have always been. I know that our experiences separate and together have made us stronger and better able to weather the storms.
I know more than just things.
And I come back to old familiar places and listen to them sing No Will Ever Love you and know that there is more than a little magic in the night. Know that one kiss set the world on fire and that I can kiss you and make you legs go weak.
I know that I can make love to you and unleash waves of passion that have been buried for millenia and that I want to because you deserve it. I want to help you feel what you have forgotten and to feel like you are floating because you deserve all that and though you may feel like you don't I don't care because I don't accept that.
Don't accept it because it doesn't make sense and I get that it may be misunderstood as being selfish in nature. I know you may try to make excuses and that you may think this is just me trying to find a way back inside, but understand woman, I don't have to try to find the way, the door is already open.
I want it because I want to take you the rest of the way into our special world. I want you to be there and to completely let go and let me carry you, if even for a moment because you do a fantastic job of taking care of everyone but yourself.
So I can keep going. I can write more about how beautiful you are and how sexy. I can say it, but I want you to see if reflected in my eyes and I want you to reach the point and place where you accept it.
Some relationships can't be stopped, they can only be slowed down.
I know things, lots of things and though I can't tell you everything that will happen I can tell you we are not going to just let go of each other now. Been through too much to just walk. Now we just enjoy and see what the days will bring.
There is no rush. Just enjoy babeleh and remember your Johnny never stopped loving you and never quite gave up.
Dinner
Dear June,
Well lover girl dinner was awesome and not just the food. ;)
It was one more mathematical proof that proved to me my theorem about us is accurate. I love having you in my arms and look forward to spending more time with you next week.
I can't wait to wrap you in my arms and feel you relax and just listen to you breathe. People don't get very many chances to be with someone they truly love and like and we just did..again.
I hope you enjoyed it all as much I do. I would be quite surprised if you didn't.
I am going to encourage you again to just go with things. Think of this as being on a raft or in a kayak and we are just floating down a river.There are no storms on the horizon nor submerged objects to worry about overturning our vessel.
Might happen at some point, but not today, tomorrow or next week. Now is the time for two people who love each other to just let go and love.
Can't wait to massage you more and to put you to sleep for a bit. Your Johnny loves you.
Well lover girl dinner was awesome and not just the food. ;)
It was one more mathematical proof that proved to me my theorem about us is accurate. I love having you in my arms and look forward to spending more time with you next week.
I can't wait to wrap you in my arms and feel you relax and just listen to you breathe. People don't get very many chances to be with someone they truly love and like and we just did..again.
I hope you enjoyed it all as much I do. I would be quite surprised if you didn't.
I am going to encourage you again to just go with things. Think of this as being on a raft or in a kayak and we are just floating down a river.There are no storms on the horizon nor submerged objects to worry about overturning our vessel.
Might happen at some point, but not today, tomorrow or next week. Now is the time for two people who love each other to just let go and love.
Can't wait to massage you more and to put you to sleep for a bit. Your Johnny loves you.
Best Friends
Junebug,
I feel like hell right now, not sure why but I am going to power through it because it is what I do. Just writing you now, trying not to edit at all. It is sort of a writing exercise where I just type. Technically I am not supposed to correct typos but I am not good about ignoring them.
Listening to Johnny singing Hurt, has resonated with me for so many years. Just understood it in so many ways.
Has been a hard five years because I got stuck with what felt like so much to deal with and had no one to talk to about it in a way that made sense because no one could understand most of it.
No one could understand what it meant to lose you and to have the giant hole that materialized when you were gone. I hope that doesn't make you feel badly or guilty because it is not my intent or desire.
It just was what was and it coincided with a bunch of things that I will tell you but am not going to write about now. I know that makes you crazy but I am not interested in writing about them because that gives them a kind of permanence that I won't give them.
I am the same guy in so many ways and yet so very different. But I think my core is the same and that had I not gone through it all I wouldn't be here today.
I wonder often about life because as a writer it is what I do. I watch some movies and television shows because I enjoy them but also because I start picking them apart, deconstructing them so that I can figure out how to tell a better story.
I do believe our story is not unique in many ways but entirely so because it is ours. I think people will fall in love with it and that some will hate it. I think if I told it exactly as it was/is that is the sort of thing that would happen.
Part of me wants to do it. Part of me wants to just let everyone know it all and say fuck the consequences because it fits you and I but I won't do that now, maybe not ever. That is because there are others who are involved and they don't deserve to be stuck with that without a choice.
I wonder if you like my writing because you hear my voice and see the inner workings that no one else does. I wonder if you feel like I do that we were never apart even though we clearly were. Essentially it took three weeks to go from nothing to this place now.
Don't worry about me. Don't wonder about it all. Don't get caught up with the chaos because that is nerves talking, it is fear and fear doesn't have to be a part of this, at least fear of hurting me.
We went from fighting for opportunities to see each other a couple of times to being able to do it every day if we wanted so why would I get upset with once a month. Could be more or could be less, not concerned, just not worried.
Please baby, don't read things into my words that aren't there. Don't fear what could happen if it is G, PG, PG-13, R or X-Rated.
The most important thing to me is support, to be there for each other and not worry about every little thing. If big things come about then there will be time to be concerned then but don't buy trouble. Don't fear the reaper, don't fear the crap that could fly if a shit storm that doesn't exist materialized and the tornado that isn't blowing showed up and brought a hurricane, earthquake and lightning storm too.
Just let us love each other and see what the journey brings about. One day we'll have one hell of a story to tell or not tell others. But during this time we don't need to do more than just enjoy and remember we haven't lost a thing, we gained something special, something amazing and valuable.
Maybe it is best that it has worked out as it has so far. Maybe we appreciate it more. Beats me.
Don't cry unless I am around to kiss the tears away, be happy.
I feel like hell right now, not sure why but I am going to power through it because it is what I do. Just writing you now, trying not to edit at all. It is sort of a writing exercise where I just type. Technically I am not supposed to correct typos but I am not good about ignoring them.
Listening to Johnny singing Hurt, has resonated with me for so many years. Just understood it in so many ways.
Has been a hard five years because I got stuck with what felt like so much to deal with and had no one to talk to about it in a way that made sense because no one could understand most of it.
No one could understand what it meant to lose you and to have the giant hole that materialized when you were gone. I hope that doesn't make you feel badly or guilty because it is not my intent or desire.
It just was what was and it coincided with a bunch of things that I will tell you but am not going to write about now. I know that makes you crazy but I am not interested in writing about them because that gives them a kind of permanence that I won't give them.
I am the same guy in so many ways and yet so very different. But I think my core is the same and that had I not gone through it all I wouldn't be here today.
I wonder often about life because as a writer it is what I do. I watch some movies and television shows because I enjoy them but also because I start picking them apart, deconstructing them so that I can figure out how to tell a better story.
I do believe our story is not unique in many ways but entirely so because it is ours. I think people will fall in love with it and that some will hate it. I think if I told it exactly as it was/is that is the sort of thing that would happen.
Part of me wants to do it. Part of me wants to just let everyone know it all and say fuck the consequences because it fits you and I but I won't do that now, maybe not ever. That is because there are others who are involved and they don't deserve to be stuck with that without a choice.
I wonder if you like my writing because you hear my voice and see the inner workings that no one else does. I wonder if you feel like I do that we were never apart even though we clearly were. Essentially it took three weeks to go from nothing to this place now.
Don't worry about me. Don't wonder about it all. Don't get caught up with the chaos because that is nerves talking, it is fear and fear doesn't have to be a part of this, at least fear of hurting me.
We went from fighting for opportunities to see each other a couple of times to being able to do it every day if we wanted so why would I get upset with once a month. Could be more or could be less, not concerned, just not worried.
Please baby, don't read things into my words that aren't there. Don't fear what could happen if it is G, PG, PG-13, R or X-Rated.
The most important thing to me is support, to be there for each other and not worry about every little thing. If big things come about then there will be time to be concerned then but don't buy trouble. Don't fear the reaper, don't fear the crap that could fly if a shit storm that doesn't exist materialized and the tornado that isn't blowing showed up and brought a hurricane, earthquake and lightning storm too.
Just let us love each other and see what the journey brings about. One day we'll have one hell of a story to tell or not tell others. But during this time we don't need to do more than just enjoy and remember we haven't lost a thing, we gained something special, something amazing and valuable.
Maybe it is best that it has worked out as it has so far. Maybe we appreciate it more. Beats me.
Don't cry unless I am around to kiss the tears away, be happy.
Erotic Thoughts
Dear June,
Sometimes I want to write you the most erotic letter you have ever gotten. Sometimes I want to tell you about how one day I am going to have you again and again and again. Sometimes I want to tell you that I fantisize about cumming in your mouth and inside of you. Sometimes I want to tell you about how you do things to me that no one else has and that I know I can say the same for you.
Sometimes I think about about how all I want to do is make you feel waves of pleasure and joy.
Sometimes I think about it and I can't imagine it won't happen because it just feels like fate.
Sometimes I think about it and the most erotic thing isn't what you think I'll say. It is you in my arms and me listening to you breathe and the knowledge that you feel safe and secure.
But that is all I am willing to say now because
Sometimes I want to write you the most erotic letter you have ever gotten. Sometimes I want to tell you about how one day I am going to have you again and again and again. Sometimes I want to tell you that I fantisize about cumming in your mouth and inside of you. Sometimes I want to tell you about how you do things to me that no one else has and that I know I can say the same for you.
Sometimes I think about about how all I want to do is make you feel waves of pleasure and joy.
Sometimes I think about it and I can't imagine it won't happen because it just feels like fate.
Sometimes I think about it and the most erotic thing isn't what you think I'll say. It is you in my arms and me listening to you breathe and the knowledge that you feel safe and secure.
But that is all I am willing to say now because
Rambling Man
Dear June,
By the time you get to read this I might be relatively drunk or maybe not. Been a long time since I drank like this. Had three cups of coffee and all sorts of Scotch. I don't do this often because the bill that comes with it is usually more than I wish to pay.
But sometimes I feel the need to let go or to try to let go more than I normally do and I suppose this is one of those moments. I keep myself buttoned up so damn tightly I am just not good at releasing things the way I might wish or want to.
My place is a wreck right now. I don't like it. Brought back lots of stuff and haven't made time to deal with it but that is ok because my plan was always to use tomorrow to unpack and organize and I will.
Four or five years ago I told one of the guys that I felt trapped and that I was furious about it. He told me that I wasn't and that it was just a question of perspective and he was right.
I look at it all and ask why I was so damn stupid.
But then I take a deep breath and think about all of the good things that have come from it all. I think about all that I have accomplished and I feel better because I have moved mountains and done some incredible things.
And I am still doing them.
So where do you fit into all of this and why am I telling you this.
Well it is because somewhere along this path we call life we met became friends, fell in love and then got lost. And somehow we found each other again and in less than a month have reached a place where we are both scared and excited in the best ways.
Maybe it is too much, too soon to say we are best friends again but we are damn close and I am ok with that.
Maybe I shouldn't tell you how badly I want to make love to you and how badly I want to kiss you. Maybe you'll be scared that the fire that burns inside me will burn you but I don't think you are really afraid of that or of me.
I don't really think you are afraid of us either. I think you are just afraid and that is ok, I get it.
Do you still believe that people get someone who is the love of their life or is that just a dream/myth that someone made up and people want to believe in.
Sometimes I think it is true and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I hope it is and sometimes I don't.
There is so much I want to show you but I figure there is still time for that and no need to rush anything.
I know I keep saying that, but it makes sense to me. If after a decade here we are then who am I to worry. It is why I am calm.
Of course knowing you love me and I am not crazy helps. That was really important to me. I figured that the one thing I had to know, regardless of what happened or didn't happen was that what I felt wasn't a myth. it is why I wrote about intuition and desire.
Anyway,I am going to stop this here and write more later.
