Best Friends

Junebug,

I feel like hell right now, not sure why but I am going to power through it because it is what I do. Just writing you now, trying not to edit at all. It is sort of a writing exercise where I just type. Technically I am not supposed to correct typos but I am not good about ignoring them.
Listening to Johnny singing Hurt, has resonated with me for so many years. Just understood it in so many ways.
Has been a hard five years because I got stuck with what felt like so much to deal with and had no one to talk to about it in a way that made sense because no one could understand most of it.
No one could understand what it meant to lose you and to have the giant hole that materialized when you were gone. I hope that doesn't make you feel badly or guilty because it is not my intent or desire.

It just was what  was and it coincided with a bunch of things that I will tell you but am not going to write about now. I know that makes you crazy but I am not interested in writing about them because that gives them a kind of permanence that I won't give them.

I am the same guy in so many ways and yet so very different. But I think my core is the same and that had I not gone through it all I wouldn't be here today.

I wonder often about life because as a writer it is what I do. I watch some movies and television shows because I enjoy them but also because I start picking them apart, deconstructing them so that I can figure out how to tell a better story.

I do believe our story is not unique in many ways but entirely so because it is ours. I think people will fall in love with it and that some will hate it. I think if I told it exactly as it was/is that is the sort of thing that would happen.

Part of me wants to do it. Part of me wants to just let everyone know it all and say fuck the consequences because it fits you and I but I won't do that now, maybe not ever. That is because there are others who are involved and they don't deserve to be stuck with that without a choice.

I wonder if you like my writing because you hear my voice and see the inner workings that no one else does. I wonder if you feel like I do that we were never apart even though we clearly were. Essentially it took three weeks to go from nothing to this place now.

Don't worry about me. Don't wonder about it all. Don't get caught up with the chaos because that is nerves talking, it is fear and fear doesn't have to be a part of this, at least fear of hurting me.

We went from fighting for opportunities to see each other a couple of times to being able to do it every day if we wanted so why would I get upset with once a month. Could be more or could be less, not concerned, just not worried.

Please baby, don't read things into my words that aren't there. Don't fear what could happen if it is G, PG, PG-13, R or X-Rated.

The most important thing to me is support, to be there for each other and not worry about every little thing. If big things come about then there will be time to be concerned then but don't buy trouble. Don't fear the reaper, don't fear the crap that could fly if a shit storm that doesn't exist materialized and the tornado that isn't blowing showed up and brought a hurricane, earthquake and lightning storm too.

Just let us love each other and see what the journey brings about. One day we'll have one hell of a story to tell or not tell others. But during this time we don't need to do more than just enjoy and remember we haven't lost a thing, we gained something special, something amazing and valuable.

Maybe it is best that it has worked out as it has so far. Maybe we appreciate it more. Beats me.

Don't cry unless I am around to kiss the tears away, be happy.