Frozen In Anger

Dear Juneleh,

I  hope you aren't trying to read this while I am writing because I want to surprise you with it, sort of.

You are not all that far away and I am wishing you were in my arms and that we could just talk because I would feel better and so would you.

I am really upset now, but you know that and you know that you have nothing to do with it. I just feel the frustration building and I decided I had to share it with you because your support means the world to me.

When I get like this I try to figure out what the root is so that I can find a way to fix things. It is like the whole dancing in the fire thing, I can do that when I need to. I can jump in the flames and burn but I have to know that there is an upside and when I did it for you I always knew there was.

But this situation is different because it ties into old feelings and shit that is out of my control and it infuriates me.

Sometimes I am so good about just letting go and taking it day by day and sometimes I am not. I told my dad a while back that my work experience made me feel like a general failure and he disagreed and told me I had bad luck.

That was awesome to hear and unexpected because the man I expected to show didn't appear. I expected him to tell me that sometimes life is hard and you have to suck it up and that is what I have always tried to do.

And I feel like I have paid such a severe price for trying to do the right thing, for trying to be a good dad. And I can fail in a million different ways and shrug it off, but not with them.

So I am writing you baby to vent and to try to release some of this because if I don't find a way to let some of this go it will go badly for me.

And though I know I can do this, there is still the small whisper that taunts me. It is such a contradiction. How can I be so confident and yet have this uncertainty.

Anyway, I am so very glad you are in my life because it makes such a difference.